Monday, December 22, 2008

Blogger® Post Construction Template: Slacker, 3rd Edition

1. Commence with pleasantries

Greetings and salutations, fellow travelers,
2. State reason for your extended absence
please excuse my extended absence as I was [sicker than a dog/copulating with the spouse/watching eXtenze infomercials] which completely threw a wrench into my plans to [read/further expand world domination goals/stare into space] so I decided to [lay on the couch all weekend and watch Millennium/dabble in Satanism/practice paper football accuracy].
3. State how you will rectify the situation
In the future, I promise to [do nothing/log on and engage in deep research for a hard-hitting political post/log on and praise your greatness]. [insert deity here] bless you all.
I'm still feeling a bit under the weather, as opposed to over it, which would be kind of cool because then you wouldn't have cloud cover and the artificial light of human civilization blocking stargazing, if one is so astronomically-inclined. Anyway, it's a special moment here chez Randal as I'd like to present to you gentle creatures the first ever guest blogger at this woefully unimpressive site, so put your hands together and pray, no, clap, for Captain Obvious!

Thank you, Randal!
Pie is good!
Ice cream is delicious!
The Browns suck!
Up, up and off to some other location!


Anonymous said...

Captain Obvious will be an instant hit. I'm sure of it.

Feel better, Randal. How can you jump up and click your heels for the holidays if you're all icky?

La Belette Rouge said...

Ppor Randal. Actaully, again He-weasel chanted that mantra about five times yesterday. "Poor Randal."So the Browns lost and your sick? Feel better.

Bubs said...

Sounds a lot like my weekend, only I care enough about my readers to still come up with crappy material even when I'm sick.

Hope you're feeling better soon, and this Captain guy works out ok.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

I like your templates, but you always cross out the true stuff...honesty is freedom, my man.

(glad you are feeling better)

susan said...

I can relate to liking the idea of being over the weather. There's never been so much snow out here in more than 40 years with more coming. It would be nice being up there enjoying the sunshine with Captain Obvious.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Bull said...

Drink a warm tonic of lemon juice, vodka and bacon grease and you'll be fine.

Captain Obvious was the tech in my office this morning, looking at the heater as it shot cold air into the room. "Your heater isn't working".

Wish I had that pic on a stamp to pound into the fucker's forehead.

Freida of the Bees said...

Captain Obvious says, "Get well soon!"

pissed off patricia said...

Oh shit! If I had known you were carrying sick germs I would have wore a surgical mask or something. Damn, where's the Lysol?

Randal Graves said...

dcup, I didn't even know such a creature existed, but lo and behold in The Google, there it was.

If I jump and click my heels, can I make the holidays disappear?

LBR, I think watching those jokers helped because then I knew there was a group sicker than I.

bubs, caring is for chumps and communists. Though I might have the Captain post more often so I don't have to.

JNRR, that's not true. Do you honestly think I would do research for a post? Or copulate with my wife? She hates me. And I haven't dabbled in Satanism in since the Great Anton LaVey scare of '86.

susan, it's about 15° and windy here (was blowing like crazy yesterday) but it'll be in the mid-40°s by Xmas. I'm telling you, the weather patterns are crazier with each passing season.

bull, mmm, bacon grease. I hope you at least threw something at that yokel.

F of the Bs, Captain Obvious also says soon is sooner than later!. Isn't he the bestest?

Randal Graves said...

POP, come closer, I feel a cough coming on.

Übermilf said...

You don't owe any of us an explanation.

We're a bunch of jerks anyway.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, shhhh! I know that, and you know that, but I got a post out of the illusion of giving a rat's ass. Hmm, now there's an Xmas gift for the wingnut relative that has everything.

dguzman said...

Yeah, that Cowboys game made me sick as a dog too.

Frederick said...

Is it hump day yet? I'll have to notify the wife if so...

Randal Graves said...

dguzman, wasn't that lovely to watch, especially LeRon McClain galloping for an 800-yard touchdown?

Actually, I hate both teams, so it was lose-lose. Or vomit-vomit.

frederick, Dr. Ruth says every day should be hump day!

okjimm said...

sick? like, virus-thingee sick, or the usual sick&twisted?

hEY, Don't know but there is a train-o-thought that most sickness is caused by cheap beer. (or adherence to an effette-French-wineness diet).

Blame the lack of beer. Or being a loyal fan and watching the browns all season.

Dusty said...

They got beat by Cinncy? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...oops, I shouldn't laugh..oh fuck it, I did laugh when I heard the score yesterday. ;p

Utah Savage said...

Glad to hear you're enjoying your illness. Captain Obvious is... I can't think of a thing to say. Did Captain Obvious steal my thoughts?

Beach Bum said...

Get well soon! The only thing worse for me than being sick is it being Christmas, having my in-laws in the house, and feeling like crap.

Obvious sound like a member of my family.

anita said...

randal, i think you have some kind of guilt-complex-thingy going on here. which doesn't particularly bother me, because, well, as a result of that guilt-complex-thingy you are (almost) the most reliable blogger around!!!


but rest your weary soul and (hmmmm ... body? does randal have a body or is he a figment of my blogimagination???) take your time in getting better. because, as i am sure you know, we will all be here waiting, with baited (bated??? (sp??? ... i hate spelling!!!) breath for your next installment.


Mauigirl said...

Randal, I hope you feel totally better very soon. There's a lot of that going around I'm afraid. I've been pouring Purell on my hands for weeks now - people around me are dropping like flies with various viruses.

Anonymous said...

Feel better pal. Football season's almost over.

S.W. Anderson said...

RG, it's almost Christmas. This is no time to be sick. Do you have any idea how hard it is to work "convalescence" into a Christmas song or even a card greeting?

Plus, things you might take to relieve your symptoms require a period of sterile teetotaling — and it will be New Year's Even in no time. So get well fast.

BTW, you're dangerously close to encroaching on Capt. Oblivious' out-to-lunch image.

MRMacrum said...

I guess being sick is an okay excuse. I like mine better. Mine has the ring of originality while also leaving the impression it is just an excuse.

The Browns do seem to have found their niche for the season. Unfortunately the Pats have found theirs it appears too late. So both of us seem to be relegated to watching the playoffs with disinterested interest. I almost envy you. At least the Browns are leaving you no doubt. The damn Pats are teasing us with "the possibility" if the stars line up and the Jets and Miami both somehow get lost on their way to the next game.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, hmm, despite your frog-bashing, Captain America, you might be onto something with that Browns = vomit thing.

dusty, hey, the Bungles were on their second string QB whereas we were on our third. Fourth if you count Gradkowski. Cut us some slack!

utah, it's quite enjoyable. Isn't that Obvious?

BB, I think we've all got a Captain in the family. I'm kind of hoping I remain sick, thereby I can be rude and obnoxious and no one can really say a thing.

anita, I'm so glad you're around because you might be odder than I. Should I feel guilty for saying that?

Do you remember Max Headroom? I think that's what I am, minus the electro-stuttering and rugged Matt Frewer good looks. Big Time TV!

Thanks for the not-so-subtle demands for more posting. Do I have to on Xmas? ;-)

mauigirl, that's certainly not surprising. I think the Purell is more popular than our books!

spartacus, oh, I'll find someone to root against in the playoffs. Just don't win a second straight bowl, then you Noo Yawkers will become even more insufferable. ;-)

SWA, in this season of Democratic acquiescence
and American obsolescence
enjoy your convalescence
and the luminescence
of the Xmas Lite Brite,
O, what a garish sight
is that suburban blight -
happy holidays already, alright?

Okay, that was horrible. Obviously.

mrmacrum, yours is a bit more legitimate, with all the thundering snowstorms and mountains of ice.

It is comforting in an odd way knowing that your team is a piece of crap, until you realize that one playoff appearance in ten years is the result of said crap.

I cannot imagine rooting for your evil Pats otherwise, but out of all the teams in the East, they've got the best shot at knocking off the likely #6 seed, Baltimore. And rooting for THOSE guys is like a Christian rooting for Satan. I think the Ravens would easily shut down Miami or the Jets. So, grumble, go Pats.

anita said...

"you might be odder than I"

it probably won't surprise in the least that (many) other people have said that same thing to me.

i'm trying to come to terms with my "oddbirdism" ... sometimes when people remind me of it, however, it hurts my feelings. but i don't think you meant to be mean. i'm odd, but for the most part harmless. sometimes it makes me feel better to tell myself that i'm an "acquired taste."

so, therefore, i've decided to take your saying that as a compliment.

Randal Graves said...

Don't be silly, of course it's a compliment. Oddbirdism could be the title of an album. It's a good thing you can play piano, otherwise all I've got is spoken word.

S.W. Anderson said...

That was quite a poetic riposte, RG. A tip of my snow-crusted cap to you. (We're being quick frozen and buried alive in my neck of the woods.)

KELSO'S NUTS said...

GRAVES: "Hello, fellow guilty White liberals. It's been a while, but I can hardly wait until January 20th when Bush The Less is gone and Obama The Perfect is ready to lead Big Sammy to the milk-and-honey land.

I've been grinding at cards with my guys here and celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah, with my family, now that one of the boyz has gone to Barcelona and the other to the Buckle Of The Bible Belt in preparation for opening of World Poker Tour in Australia.

I'll be a more dedicated fan and better Obama advocate come the new year when "we're" winning the Afghanistan "surge," when "we're" winning the Iraq Project For Enduring Freedom, and "we're" winning the Great War Against The Twin Enemies Of Freedom Justice And The American Way: Russia and Venezuela.

All I need are the inspiring words of Rick Warren and Chauncey Gardener to get me locked and loaded!