Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I hate Christmas

If you know me even a little, and my condolences if you do, you are well aware of my venomous disdain for Christmas. All holidays save Halloween, really, and even that with all those sugared rugrats can get annoying at times. That's why I like to keep all the lights off and let those bastards assume a serial killer lives here, biding his time through sharpening knives and painting clowns. Maybe it's a burnt out parenting thing; everyone either wants to see the mutants or they won't leave me alone. You with kids know exactly what I'm talking about. Or maybe the antisocialism (patriotism!) is simply increasing geometrically with each passing year. It's certainly not a novel sentiment --

"I see Captain Obvious has returned."

-- as I'm merely one of millions who engage in such officially frowned-upon aversion to banality, but for those of you that enjoy such pointless comings and goings draped in tinsel and turtlenecks splattered with egg nog, don't waste your valuable time nor mine trying to convince me, religiously or atheistically, as to why Xmas is numero primo supérieure and I won't do the same, except in reverse. Have you ever tried driving in reverse like a faux Steve McQueen in an over-the-top action movie? Me neither.

I imagine that once upon a time, many a lady and a few dudes would have liked a Steve McQueen for Xmas. I know my wife, one among many a lady and a few dudes, would like one of these:

I wouldn't mind his bank account and house in France, I can tell you that, the fucking bastard.

"Oh, that's fair. Just because he's talented and handsome and you're untalented and ugly is no reason to cast aspersions at the man."

True, as he's starred in many of my favorite movies.

Where was I?

"About to post a scantily-clad picture of what you want for Xmas, no doubt."

Well, yeah, but I'm also well aware of the impossibility of her ever appearing under my tree. I'm thinking something far more plausible: the elimination of Xmas itself. Which is proving more difficult than I had imagined, as my campaign to replace it with what it replaced isn't going too well. No one wants to subvert The Man even if just for a week? Quel dilemme.

A new tack; let's try The Reason For The Season®.

Everyone loves Santa Claus, right? Especially if it's Lightly Painted®, all jolly and drunken as he passes out cheap Chinese trinkets soon lost in a crumpled avalanche of glossy wrapping paper strewn at the feet of wingnut relatives, the ribbons hastily torn off by miniature candy cane fiends as they, in unquiet desperation, try keeping them on their heads while sprinting around the house like coked-up Larry Kudlows chasing after the last hooker but fail miserably because the glue has worn off.


On the flip side, no one loves monsters, and that's where the krampus enters the picture. Whether you were good or bad, it doesn't matter to this vile beast. And don't concern yourself about the receipt of lumpy coal either. You're getting a good birching.

Okay, given our cynical, postmodern age, perhaps a monster is too melodramatic. Those folks don't look too scared, do they. Plus there's that inconvenient notion about monsters not being real.

"Yeah, there's that."

Au contraire, mon esprit, unholy creatures do exist.

Wait, I simply want Xmas to go away, not set in motion a wave of unfettered cannibalism.

Back to the drawing board.


Do I get to choose who gets eaten?


anita said...

Well, since I do *know* you (but obviously not in the Biblical sense), it comes as no surprise that you wish to engage in an Saturnalian event (I was going to say *orgy* but hey, I know your blog is not of the NSFW-type, for the most part).

But on the Johnny Depp, thing, you forgot one of my favorite Depp-O-Films: What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Although, I guess one could argue that it's a "Leo vehicle" not a "Depp vehicle." But seriously, I'd take Depp and Leo in one room at the same time any day of the week!!

I don't know, but will be presumptuous and say that I think Mrs. Graves would agree.

susan said...

As you've already labeled a number of posts 'humans are insane', I'll just say I agree and leave it at that.

Christopher said...

Christmas is for children.

Halloween is for the grown ups.

But I do have a few Christmas wishes for selected people:

1. Barack Obama: I someone gives you a pair, you asshole and then you can stand up to the religious right. These Bible thumpers aren't your friend and they're never going to be your friend.

2. Rick Warren: A real job. Stop draping your ham arms around "the Gay" for photo-ops and a year's subscription to Jenny Craig so you can lose 50lbs.

Randal Graves said...

anita, I figure why post porn when there are supposedly so many good sites already in the tubes? That said, orgy, orgy, orgy. Take that, FCC.

I believe that's why I left that out; great flick, but I generally think of it as mainly a DiCaprio movie, as well.

Mrs. Graves would certainly agree. She's probably calculating just how much cash my organs can get on the black market in order to make something like that happen. ;-)

susan, that's one thing people can never quibble with me on, the fact that we are indeed insane. Which isn't always a bad thing.

christopher, exactly. I love when the words "idealist" and "pragmatist" get tossed around, yet Obama doing that is some grand strategy that isn't idealist? Haven't we been paying attention for, hell, pick any time frame, the decades since Goldwater?

Let them have a seat at the table - AFTER they've wandered as pariahs for awhile. You want to be pragmatic? There's nothing more pragmatic than assuming they're putting on a nice face only because their governmental mouthpiece isn't in the Oval Office past Inauguration Day.

Übermilf said...

You're going to visited by three ghosts tonight.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

If you get to pick who gets eaten, I get to pick who does the eating. And pair them up - Deal?

Example: I would like Sarah Palin to eat Cheney. Then Bay Buchanan to eat him. You get the picture.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, oh, I know how to ward off ghosts.

UC, that is a wonderful idea! Anyone else have any further suggestions?

Dean Wormer said...

I want McQueen's Bullett Mustang.

Also- I find that people who knock cannibalism have never tried it. Suffice it to say that we taste like chicken.

Another cannibalism plus- think of the great naming conventions it opens up for the chefs of the world. "Today on cook with Rachel Ray we're going to be working with my late friend Robert as I introduce you to a scrumptious recipe for Bob ka bobs."

Merry Christmas just the same you mean ol' grinch. :-)

Tom Harper said...

Is that a picture from "The Ninth Gate" -- that Johnny Depp photo? Cool flick.

Mauigirl said...

A brilliant diatribe, Randal. Whatever pagan holiday you may want to celebrate tomorrow in Christmas's stead, I hope you have a great December 25!

La Belette Rouge said...

I am not a fan of any holiday or event that requires happiness, family gatherings and sweaters with appliqués. Don't worry it will be over soon. Hope you have plenty of hooch and Johnny Depp to get you through the night.

Randal Graves said...

dean, and there are so many ways to cook chicken. And regarding your second point, it's environmentally sound. No more embalming and such. I'd also imagine that the leftover body parts could be turned into compost.

Bah humbug. ;-)

tom, good eye. That's a great flick, criminally underrated IMO.

mauigirl, someone has to counterbalance you hopeful types. ;-)

LBR, I'd rather have plenty of hooch and Alessandra, I mean, my wife, instead, but I'd take a slew of Depp flicks (yes, even The Astronaut's Wife) over the annual Xmas debacle you outlined.

susan said...

and then there's my favorite Depp movie - always worth another viewing.

Bubs said...

"Have you ever tried driving in reverse like a faux Steve McQueen in an over-the-top action movie?"

Actually, yes. Yes I have, several times. It generally works out pretty well for me, and MizBubs digs it.

Good luck making it through the next few days.

Utah Savage said...

I can say ditto to what Anita said and a loud YES! to what UC said. And I share your hatred of xmas and the xbox, whatever that is. But we do have a few things to be happy about. We won. Take that however you want. A football game, or the implausibility of an African American President. Holy shit man, things can only get better eventually.

Anonymous said...

Well if you don't want to be convinced that Christmas time if the best time of the year, I guess I'll just put Donny and Marie away. They had their white Christmas tree turtle necks on and they were all warmed up and ready to sing, but who am I to mess with your bah-humbuggery?

Please, don't enjoy the season of forced family functions. And you're right. I wouldn't dare trade my lot for yours. At least I can tell my tormentors to shut the hell up or be grounded.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

I'm having a wonderful non-forced Holiday. My parents and son are with me and La Srta Zapata Gomez de Kelso and we're celebrating being together and family and what's good about being alive and together. We're doing Christmas and Hanukkah so the presents are flying around as is the great Colombian food.

I'd trade it all to fulfill Christopher's Christmas wish to give President Obama a pair of huevo and a pair of oidos to listen to his brilliant wife Michelle about all of this.

He's got to feel confident that he won a big election and he has the power to do some good now. Forget about 2012. He'll be in a better position if he spends some time with his basic economics textbooks and follows it up with some Galbraith and Krugman and maybe takes another cursory glance at his donor list and pays special attention to certain out-of-the-closet gay Jewish men who made his shit possible.

Big Sammy never lets me down, though. I know by 2013, there will be a Republican in the White House whom Obama will have endorsed against Russ Feingold having dusted selfsame Obama off in the primary.

Such is life.

Suzan said...

Brrr, Kelso,

I don't like that scenario - too fn realistic! It would work though, and I'm sure the new Rovers are figuring out the logistics as we type. A plane crash here, a plane crash there . . . .

UU (and Randal) - my vote is for Cheney eating Bush who then gets eaten by Rummy who is finished off by Hillary. Humans are insane. Agreed.


Thanks for playing!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

SUZAN: President Obama is too smart to believe all the bullshit he's saying and too good a student not to be studying basic macro-economics. He's resting on his laurels, though, and doing another of his myriad skills -- PLAYING POLITICIAN, which to be fair is his real job. Leader, follower, or thinker are not. He's following the path of least resistance on the tough stuff knowing how weak the Republican party and Congressional Black and Progressive Caucuses are. Plus, homophobia is so acceptable in Big Sammy that Obama actually made the right call choosing Rick Warren to make his prayer at the inaugural because this morning's poll gave him the highest favorability rating for an incoming president in US polling history -- 85%.

He has all the freedom in the world to lead his country to hell in Aunt Tilly's handbag.

I've been convinced by Ray McGovern, former Soviet analysis chief for CIA and staunch anti-Bush, pro-peace advocate, that Donald Rumsfeld was the least worst of them and that his Iraqi withdrawal plan presented in the early fall of 2006 would have had every US soldier home by now. Until convinced otherwise, I believe Rumsfeld just fucked-up badly by trying to do an old friend, Cheney, a favor.

Seriously, how soon before Rumsfeld realized what an idiot he'd been leaving a plum situation as CEO of Searle to do the the shit he did? Two months max. That's why his press conferences made no sense. He didn't believe what he was saying. He was reading Rove's words.

He was a good soldier in the US Armed forces.

He was an honorable public servant in the US congress.

He was Chief Of Staff to a very liberal Jerry Ford administration

He was a fine CEO at Searle.

Nobody turns from a basically honorable Country Club Republican into Satan and likes it.

I'm waiting for his side of the story before passing judgement that he was anything more than a fool who was set up as a fall-guy.

Dusty said...

I do love you Randal...because I too hate this silly fucking season!

But try to enjoy the day and the sports extravaganza we will get w/it, ok?

Hugs sweet man. ;)

Betty C. said...

I'd like him too, but at least I get the living in France part.

What do I wish to you -- do the best for the holidays?

Non, Je ne regrette rien said... much material, so much self-censorship. so little left to say.

Suzan said...

Kelso, I did agree with you (and Ray) once about Rummy. I also thought he was a smart guy but like McNamara got captured by his own good press which led to his downfall at the hands of the tightyrighties. He and the Chenegangleader were unindicted co-conspirators under Nixon's very guilty henchmen, and I think he's been compromised ever since. I'm sure you know about his history along with Cheney's during the buildup to the planned war with Iraq (and Afghanistan - possessor of the land linking the coveted energy resources). But that's history.

Today we deal with their bloody aftermath. With someone prolly well-chosen to continue down their path of American Empire that takes no prisoners.

Other than those sobering thoughts, Merry Christmas!

Liberality said...

of course we all hate the season but we endure it anyway. I hate it because it's a depressing time of year (hardly any light) and because you are forced to buy shit you don't want to give to others who don't want it either. only the kids enjoy xmas, and that's only if they get what they want.

Beach Bum said... Chinese trinkets soon lost in a crumpled avalanche of glossy wrapping paper strewn at the feet of wingnut relatives..

Damn, if you were that close to my house you should have stopped by for a beer. That one phrase was a prefect description of today.

As for cannibalism observing those around me and how they look more like unhealthy pigs as the swill down countless calories of junk food I think I'll skip the stuffed homo sapien. And you read my post on Christmas so I'll just wish you a Happy Festivus day.

FranIAm said...

Oh you - I hate it when you are right.

And I'm not saying that you are. Just that I hate it when you are.

Right that is.

Swinebread said...

I hate christmas too...

oh and have a merry Christmas!

Snave said...

To Randal, thou fellow soldier in the War on Christmas... I agree with you. What you said! I'd likely never be able to get one of those damsels (like the one pictured... or just about any damsel, for that matter) under my tree either. IF it happened, it might be enough to make me into a true believer... Nah. Nothing would do that, but such a gift would be splendid.

Anonymous said...

And a Merry "friggin" Christmas to you, too, Randal. It looks to me like you also have quite the crush on Mr. Depp, and his house in France.