Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Sexy Fran the Catholic Wizardess (yeah, I know it's not a word, but if you don't get the reference to one of my finest acting jobs ever, that's your goddamn loss) expressed her anxiousness at He Who Shall Not Be Named actually following through with my tag and filling out this meme.

After coming to grips with the fact that I'm still running on fumes post-wise, a sentiment wonderfully encapsulated here -- thank you sir, you're forgiven for being a fan of all things Bah-ston -- I used every last one of my connections to locate the location of the The Undisclosed Location®, managing, through much gnashing of teeth, not to mention sticky, coagulating pools of hours-old blood and putrefying flesh which is more difficult to scrape off the bottom of one's sneakers than you might think, to convince the most effective, fearless and patriotically patriotic vice president Murka has ever had to do just that for posterity, Red Dawn enthusiasts, Wayne Lapierre and the corpses of Ronald Reagan, Charlton Heston and Augusto Pinochet.

You're welcome, oh ye of little faith.

"Get on with it, young man. I'm very hungry."

Er, yes sir.

1. Five names you go by: "The Angler, Unka Dick, Darth Cheney, The Lord of All Fevers and Plagues, Honeybunch. If you tell anyone about that last one, well, I'm sure you've heard of extraordinary rendition."

2. Three things you are wearing right now: "The skin of the last person I ate and a Salvatore Ferragamo Lynne got me last year for Christmas."

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment: "A steaming hot cup of coffee and George to get out of my hair so I can finally jack off to last week's batch of torture porn tapes from Syria. I know how I'm portrayed by you bastards in the liberal blogsophere, but I don't think I'm being too demanding, do you?"

4. Three people who will probably fill this out: "Hmm, three people with a lot of free time. McCain, Senator Tubes (I've got to hand it to you hippies, that's pretty funny. Sorry, Teddy) and George, if he gets some help."

5. Two things you did last night: "Continued coming up with strategies to fuck with Barack the Magic Negro -- thanks, Rush! Surprised we're leaving without a fuss? Don't be. First, we know you pansies won't dare prosecute us and second, think he'll be able to fix our carefully calculated misdeeds in four short years? With the media in our back pocket, you'll be clamoring for us soon enough. Oh, and listened to my man Manilow."

6. Two things you ate today: "A nice, piquant but slightly stringy third world refugee child and a Supersize Big Mac, fries and a Coke. Go fuck yourself, Lynne, you lesbian cunt, my ticker is just fine."

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone: "George and Chemical Ali. Sorry, old friend, we tried to get you off, but you know how the game is played.

As the Frenchies say, je voudrais manger maintenant."

I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow: "Watch the new batch of torture porn tapes from abroad then take Lynne out to The Ground Round to celebrate the incredibly flimsy indictment against me being dropped."

9. Two longest car rides: "To the hospital after I shot Harry in the face. All he did was whine, whine, whine. Be glad it was buckshot, you candy ass. Now that I think about it, that was so annoying, it counts as two rides."

10. Two of your favorite beverages: "Human blood and prune juice. Keeps me regular."

A regular guy you are, sir. Joe the Vice President, one could say. Why are you looking at me like that? Er, thank you for helping contribute to the storied history of this great land, a beacon of freedom and justice to people of all races, creeds and beliefs on God's good earth. Of course except the Muslims, sir. Um, why won't this door open?

Oh, shit.


Sherry Peyton said...

Randal, you use any excuse under the sun to include semi-nudie pics of college age girls. You rogue salatious wag! Beyond that the cheney meme answers were chillingly real and more than likely accurate.

Dusty said...

Holy-friggin-shit this is good.

And it bothers the shit outta me that you could knock this out so realistically Randal. ;p

Liberality said...

dusty--this is the first time I've noticed that your kitty there blinks it's eyes and taps a paw--crap, that scared me almost as much as this post did!

Dusty said...

Yes, she is animated m'dear, but its a small graphic so most folks probably miss it as well.

Hill said...



MRMacrum said...

Ever sit in front of a comment box and not have anything to say? No?Me neither. Excellent. Barack the magic Negro indeed.

FranIAm said...

I am sick, sick, sick with laughter here.

What the fuck is that red and gold thing sticking out of Dick's head? Oh, it's a flag! Snort.

Sexy Catholic Wizardess indeed!!!

susan said...

Absofuckinglutely letter perfect.. but it had to be you because the real cheney monster would never be so forthright.

Border Explorer said...

Sometimes my eyes glaze over here on L'ennui melodieux. Yeah, like today. Over the top good. wow.

Tom Harper said...

Since Cheney keeps talking about how hungry he is, those 2 pictures of him ought to segue into a South Park episode about Mr. Hanky.

Alisa said...

That was excellent! Love it.

pissed off patricia said...

Feed the fucker a ton of bacon dipped in butter and let's see what happens.

If there is such a thing as Karma, this SOB better hope there isn't.

Übermilf said...

I thought he got indicted.

Randal Graves said...

sherry, only because college-age is easy to find. Believe me, I searched high and low for Diane Lane in such threads but to no avail. Sniff.

As for the Cheney answers, I edited out a lot of growling.

dusty, I hope you're not thinking that I also have the mind of a megalomaniacal psychopath. ;-)

liberality, I think it's a guard cat, just in case Cheney shows up at dusty's house!

hill, merci. Then I realize he was veep for 8 years and I weep. Figuratively. ;-)

mrmacrum, oh I do that all the time, especially when someone posts something poignant. There's nothing poignant about Unka Dick. Pointy, maybe, if we count his fangs.

fran, since you didn't know what that was, it's obvious you hate America!

I take it you won't be wearing duds like that at your new job? Muah.

susan, you're certainly correct. I wouldn't want to be his next meal. Maybe if could interview him from the safety of the Popemobile.

BE, a glazed ham! Groan.

tom, I think I'm the only person between the ages of 18-60 who's actually never seen that show, so I have no clue who Mr. Hanky is. I assume he's a cannibal?

alisa, merci!

POP, karma, like hell, is one of those things I wish existed for precisely these reasons.

übermilf, sucker got tossed out, so the 0.000000000000001% chance of him serving any time is now back to a negative number.

Kvatch said...

Two of your favorite beverages: "Human blood and prune juice. Keeps me regular.

Which one? ;-)

Randal Graves said...

Ancient Cheney Secret!

Dean Wormer said...

Wow, you really got him to fill that out. I know you had pull but that's damned impressive.

Anonymous said...

Riotously funny! Now shut him back up in his undisclosed location. Thank you.

Sal Kilmister said...

If you are still on fumes you could just post pics of that model, right?

Randal Graves said...

dean, I think I spent all my political capital, though, so I can't fix the economy like I had planned which means you all have to spend like drunken sailors!

dcup, can I waterboard him first?

sal, I'm stuck at work until close again, so I just might. Either that or go look for a new brain.

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