Friday, December 12, 2008

Dear Mr. Miss Fantasy

Like I want to discuss fantasies with a dude.

"That's what Mrs. Graves says."

Hey, that's only with me. And surprisingly, this isn't that kind of fantasy.

"You're right, it is surprising."

Normally, I'm not a fan of burning things, though kindling is okay. And despite the overt misogyny displayed up top, I can actually cook and generally don't burn things on or in the oven, even if the result is nowhere near Michelin quality.

"I bet some of it tastes like tire."

But when it comes to blue books, pass that gas can.

"Hey you kids, get off my lawn outta my library!"

Of course, the sexiest part is when I have all you millennials too fucking spaced out to carry not even one pen or pencil even though you're ostensibly college students but I wonder about that because you cannot tell me what the name of your class is or who's your professor despite the fact that classes ended last week but lo and behold, listen to that hark! you've got a dozen credit cards and iPods and iPhones and Blackberries and Borg earpieces and wires linking all of them with the subcutaneous entryways of your central nervous system topped by Luke Skywalker haircuts and naughty punk pixie bobs clean up the smouldering, ashen mess.

Lysol is over there. Oh no, please, let me get it, for I want to pass by the television which is tuned to CNN yet thankfully muted -- praise Cthulhu -- so I can watch some talking hairpiece engage in pointless blabbery with The Esteemed and Honorable 87-star General Colin Powell, A Very Serious and Credentialed Person just look at those Medals none of which are for Typing, and wonder why that freaky gaff of a motherfucker, along with the rest of the Traveling Brigade of Freaks, Gaffs, Motherfuckers and Associated Blockheads, will never see a nanosecond behind bars for being war criminals but some lower class pothead will.

Oh, and $14 billion is far too much, but $700 billion plus another trillion for overseas romantic adventuring, graft and fully-vetted and approved chicanery is just peachy, raspberry and mango. If only the Army were unionized.

And this shit? I hope every single one of you who gets a fuzzy feeling in your special area at the thought of laws like this dies a horribly painful and agonizingly slow death by a minion of nature such as perhaps getting a leg ripped off by a bear but you've seen enough bad made-for-TV movies -- but I repeat myself -- to know you have to stop the blood flow and you do but you're stranded out in the middle of nowhere and after getting sick and tired of the taste of frozen earth and the occasional worm you are barely able to dig out of the ground, you resort to eating yourself alive, finally expiring from the fright of having bitten off a chunk of your own flesh and then some poor kid from a nearby reservation steals the money in your wallet that was destined for a high-class call girl after your impassioned pro-family speech on the House floor.

Come on black death, we need you to put the fear of the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in the world. Start with all the politicians, the Nazi stooges on the right -- yeah, I said Nazi, fuck you, Nazi Nazi Nazi Gestapo achtung sieben lieben fascist assholes -- and their spineless candyass pussy cunting enablers on the cough cough left. Then you can move on to the rest of us.

One more sexalicious thing: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!


"Don't feel better?"

No. Got any booze?


La Belette Rouge said...

I only drank cocoa this a.m. I need coffee, Aderall, palm pilots, blue tooths, and all the high tech stuff I can buy to keep up with your brilliant mind.

susan said...

We're sad about Bettie too and the damn obits forgot to mention Irving Claw. Idiots.

I agree with all the rest and you say it so well. Nazi fuckers.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, either they don't make brilliant minds like they used to or they lowered the entry requirements. Whew!

susan, yeah, I can't recall seeing him mentioned in any of the stories. I thought American supported the naughty industry? Bloody puritans.

Sherry Peyton said...

There are times Randal, when I have not the fuckingest clue what you are talking about. I'll walk quietly away with my subpar mind, unable to grasp the brillance of your tirade. See ya!

Tom Harper said...

I second what you said about this new EPA law and anybody who gets a warm fuzzy feeling about it.

We can't get that shitstain out of the White House soon enough.

Liberality said...

I've been pissed off all day about those "all the politicians, the Nazi stooges on the right -- yeah, I said Nazi, fuck you, Nazi Nazi Nazi Gestapo achtung sieben lieben fascist assholes -- and their spineless candyass pussy cunting enablers on the cough cough left. I agree completely with your assessment, which is too bad.

Freida of the Bees said...

Randal. Remember when we were kissing when we were drunk at the office Christmas party? Remember how it tingled? Remember how you thought I could do no wrong? Keep remembering that.

(I re-infected you with the Splotchy Story Virus. I got it from Bubs. Don't be like that. I love you. I think I'm in the delirium stage. Will you take pictures so I remember?)

Border Explorer said...


Beach Bum said...

Fucking awesome dude. And yeah, as an army veteran who pukes every time some rat ass chickenhawk talks about going to war for some glorious cause that he and his kinfolk nicely sit out on the sidelines and cheer on, hell yeah I wish the army was unionized.

In a bad mood from a bad week and need to get seriously drunk.

Utah Savage said...

Motherfucking union busting rethuglican bastards! Did you mention them? I couldn't quite figure it out and then you threw in a little football bullshit just to make it more difficult. Hey, I'm a college dropout and have no fancy things hanging from my head. And you cook? No way dude! You watch way too much sports to have time to cook.

But screaming Nazi, nazi, nazi bastards! That I get. But candyass pussy cunting... ? Why not flaccid dicked, cocksucking, tiny pricked... Don't mess with us pussies man or you'll live to regret it.

Randal Graves said...

sherry, I'm not sure rants are supposed to make sense. If they do, are they really rants?

tom, these guys remind of a complete prick at a party who, after finally getting booted out by the host, spills as many bowls of chips and glasses of beer as he can on the way out.

liberality, it certainly is too bad. And I doubt it'll change all that much.

No, give-him-a-chancers, shut up. The system itself is design to fuck things up, I don't care what lunatic is in the White House.

freidalicious bee lady, is that when I was wearing that clown suit? You know, a suit?

Reinfection is always fine, postpones the Brown Fucker recap. Wait. I get to take pictures?

BE, I can't help but think of that catch phrase they use to sell Pokemon: gotta hate 'em all!

BB, one of the great lies of Murka is "support the troops" when they're nothing but a tool to advance the nefarious agendas of exactly those fuckers you mentioned. Oh, and when you get back from combat, good luck reintegrating into society! Bootstraps!

I heartily endorse much drinking, good sir.

utah, I think their anti-union stance was certainly implied. And hey, I said I CAN cook. My sometimes-better-half is usually the chef because she's better at it. I'm cleanup.

And that's a good point about my choice of language given how cowardly those fucks are hiding behind their facade of stereotypical masculinity, so any chance to emasculate them should be undertaken, you hear that, Corker, you limp dick? Probably as big as a wine cork, you fuck.

C'mon unions, give Corker the Giants stadium treatment.

Dusty said...

Dude, TO is SUCH a DOUCHE!!!

I have been waiting for himn to fall from grace for years now..and the bastard keeps catching those fucking footballs. argh!

Bubs said...

Actually, I do feel better, thank you. After observing a moment of silence for Ms. Page at the top of your post I found your righteous anger to be well-stated and very entertaining.

Randal Graves said...

dusty, I have no problems with a WR wanting the ball, hell, Michael Irvin did, but the difference between those two is, for whatever faults Irvin had off the field, he was a warrior on it AND kept all that shit from fracturing the team.

bubs, thanks and since I often fail at being informative, I might as well try and be entertaining. Now, for a little soft shoe!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

GRAVES: Two points.

1)Do you realize how long it's been since I've seen a woman who looks like this "'ve got a dozen credit cards and iPods and iPhones and Blackberries and Borg earpieces and wires linking all of them with the subcutaneous entryways of your central nervous system topped by Luke Skywalker haircuts and naughty punk pixie bobs clean up the smouldering, ashen mess..."

2) I am very proud of you and your regulars for your strong stands in favor of collective-bargaining.

I've often wondered which provokes the most disgust in Big Sammy of these categories: "THE gay," "THE union," or "THE criminal defense lawyer." What do you reckon?

Mauigirl said...

Randal, this was brilliant and right on the money.

Randal Graves said...

kelso, my man, I don't hate the technology nor the retro shit, but fucking hell, know at least something and fuck, CARRY A PEN OR PENCIL IF YOU'RE A COLLEGE STUDENT. It would be kind of evil for a union member like myself to be anti-collective bargaining. hey, no typos!

Hmm. I think THE gay is exciting in a ratings kinda way, everyone in Big Sammy hates lawyers except Bill Shatner's toupee (tort reform!) so I'd wager unions because they're all lazy teamsters milking honest CEOs.

mauigirl, thank ye very much!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

GRAVES: I really don't understand the anti-union bias in America. Think of how many people died to give these ungrateful fuckers the right to bargain collectively. It's kind of gruesome when you think about the numbers and what kind of shit happened especially in the mines before the UMWU.

The USA already has the one of the lowest rates of private sector unionization in the world.

I pay union wages to my employees here. It's much easier and cleaner that way. I know what my costs are in advance and I know that to get in the "sindicato" they've had to pass various tests of competency in a number of apprentice-journeyperson situations. All of the various contingencies are spelled out in the contract. It ends up being more cost-effective anyway because if you run into problems and you don't have a union rep to discuss them with they never get resolved or they go sideways real bad. So, the wage and benefit package is maybe 3c or 4c in the Balboa disadvantage to me to start. The advantages more than make up for it.

Pigs get fat. Hogs get slaughtered.

Anonymous said...

Ah..c'mon Randal. Are those kids really that bad?

Distributorcap said...

i think i missed the point

Dean Wormer said...

The Bush adminstration has long treated the EPA as if it were a recipe book.

Randal Graves said...

kelso, I think because an extremely common view, and not just among the wingnuts, is that unions exist solely to be a cushion for lazy workers whereas anyone not in a union has to work that much harder because if they fuck up, they get canned or their business fails.

Sounds great in the Washington Times, but the real world is a wee bit more complex.

spartacus, perhaps not to most, but they were annoying when I was a kid and now that I'm not, I hate 'em even more.

dcap, I'm not sure I had one.

dean, does this call for one cup of mercury, or two?

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