Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Empty as a really empty thing

For you fellow creative types, whether skilled or unskilled like your host, you're no doubt intimately familiar with that numbing sensation that comes long after having temporarily halted whatever project you were working on and now that you've waited too many days, weeks, months, the word stuck doesn't do anyone justice, certainly not the blindfolded lady with the exposed rack. Sorry, John. Look! Even more boobies! Boobies! Boobies!

Yes, the above paragraph was a flimsy excuse to put that picture of a scantily-clad naked Greek babe over there. You should know by now just how much of a predictably predictable monolith of duh I can be.

Anyway, that sensational numb has crawled its way into my blog the way a Lovecraftian beast from beyond the stars would shamble out of Old Whatley's decrepit, rotting abode, over the rolling hills creeping hither and yon, through the gnarled, ancient backwoods concealing evidence of the darkest arts and, after gnawing on the flesh-and-blood world and getting its fill, into the computer itself to murder the creative impulse through some heretofore unknown electrochemical cosmic, yet invisible, death ray.
















"It's the hair, isn't it. Jealous?"

I was actually leading towards something else but now I can't remember what it was, though I can say with much confidence that it wasn't political. Nevertheless, I will admit to getting a chuckle out of Rod the Helmet -- best porn name ever? It's close, but it's no Schnapps Monticello -- getting so much Dem grief while Bush --

"Really? You're going to write political gobbledygook?"

Fine, sports, it is.

Just perhaps, Yankees manager Joe Girardi suggests, Sabathia is warming up to New York, after all.
I'm sure the $140 million over six years $160 million over seven years had nothing to do with it. Fuck The Fucking Yankees, the Dick Cheney of Murkan sporting life. Oh, and Apu's favorite squadron, good luck with K-Fed. And I mean that facetiously and sincerely, simultaneously.

More incoherent ruminations on a bunch of other crap should probably go here, but I can't come up with anything thanks to frogtastic brain drain and other, arcane, offlinery, so I'll let you all get back to joining my sometimes-better-half in blaming me for everything.

Oh, and don't ask to buy one of these --























-- no, not that kind, you didn't see anything, this kind --
















-- or I'll cut your fucking head off, carve all the flesh away and dance a minuet around the skull while screaming at the top of my lungs. And then I'll sell your seat, motherf***er.

24 comments:

anita said...

GOD, I hated those "Blue Books." I'd see them being handed out and then I'd start sweating and the palms of my hands got cold, and my fingers froze and my brain went ablank (is that a word?). And I certainly won't even go into, here, what happened to my 'penwomanship' at those times!!

Dusty said...

Goodness Randal...cut my fucking head off.

Bring it brotha! ;p I eat sumbitches like you for a snack dude.

Isn't it K-Rod? K-Fed is Britney friggin Spears ex right?

Utah Savage said...

You didn't read my two or three excellent sports posts, so now I refuse to read yours. Take that motherfucker. And I loved those bluebook tests. I could fail any class that didn't have the bluebook test, but hand me a bluebook and I was golden. I had such shitty penmanship that my poor spelling was almost never noticed, but the passion with which I wrote as fast as I could, convinced many a teacher that I had that information down pat and could pour it out so fast it was illegible, but in there somewhere. A's I got for all that gobbledygook.

Randal Graves said...

anita, they seemed to be more common when I was an undergrad, but believe me, plenty of profs still use the damn things. After after two pages, my penwomanship went all to hell.

dusty, tough talk, chump! I'll see you in the tubes!

It is indeed K-Rod, but I was simply making a funny. ;-)

utah, now that's not true, I read all about Rosie Grier's baby factory! So what you're saying is write sloppily, and a lot of it, and you'll get the big A. Too bad I had to type up my paper.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

GRAVES: I don't know what "Yankees" you're on about. The only "Yankees" I know fought in the US Civil War in blue unis or are an old fashioned Spanish word for the more common "Gringo".

There are two MLB teams in NYC: The New York Metropolitan Baseball Club (or "Mets") which play in Queens and a very Dick Cheney-esque team called Rudy Giuliani's Girls which play in The Bronx.

As for K-Feh! and to Omar Minaya I say "way to close the barn door after you let all the horses out...you get credit for Johan but you figured out the one way to fuck up a series-likely team in 2008: LEAVE A BAD BULLPEN IN PLACE"

Freida of the Bees said...

Did you just half-ass blog propose to me?

What took you so long?

IDK, a picture of ol' helmut hair kinda made my day just there.

Tom Harper said...

New York Yankees as the Dick Cheney of sports -- LOL.

Liberality said...

That is some talent you have there Randall. Why can't I write like you when I have nothing to say? Throw in some Lovecraft references, talk about sports, put a picture of a dick on my blog and presto: a blog post. I must study this more carefully I do believe...

Randal Graves said...

kelso, I wonder if I'd be considered a Yankee. It's funny, the NYMets don't bother me at all. Hell, even the Jets and Giants don't, though they truly belong to Jersey. But those other fuckers? Fuck them.

I think K-Fed might be a year too late, but we'll see. As again, is there really a favorite in the NL? Well sure, the Cubs were statistically the best, but hey, it's the Cubs.

F of the Bs, I always do everything half-assed. A warning: I usually don't fall asleep after blog sex. Be wary of strange Randals bearing gifts.

tom, hey, when I think of evil... ;-)

liberality, see, the formula isn't that hard, and it's easily adjustable. Plus, lowered expectations compound and are thus further lowered and so on, etc.

Beach Bum said...

Sabathia has agreed in principle to a seven-year, $161 million...

Shit, anymore and he will have some near bankrupt industry knocking on his door for a bailout.

As for Blagojevich, what scares me is more than likely his is the tip of the iceberg as far as wacko politicians are concerned.

And the Greek statue? Awesome boobies, those are perfect.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

GRAVES: We'll see what happens with the moves, but I like the Mets, Phils, Brewers, (even without Sabathia and Sheets) and Cubs as the best teams. And only 3of them can make it. Brewers probably the ones who'll fail because in the rotation both Villanueva and Gallardo MUST be as good as they look because after that, it's a mess: Bush, Suppan, Parra, and McCarthy.

The West is a total puzzle except that the Holliday trade was so bad and unnecessary for the Rox that they look dead, ditto San Diego if no Peavy. So, you'll have what you had last year, a three-way scramble among average teams for the division: ARZ, LAD, and SF instead of ROX.

When did Shapiro become the stupidest Jew in America? Sabathia is a guy you sign to exactly the same deal in-season that Rudy's Girls gave him. If you have to a pitcher you trade Cliff Lee anyway but besides all that look at the garbage they got back for CC. And wtf is he doing signing Wood? That's just flushing money down the toilet. How's Wood going to make it out of spring training let alone make an impact? What's Shapiro's next move, trading Grady Sizemore for Ken Griffey Jr???

Angie said...

Even numb, you're a better read than most Randal. Can't wait 'til the "feeling" returns.

Border Explorer said...

Yep, also I'm waiting for them to lead Bush out of the White House in handcuffs at 6 AM. Christmas is coming and I've asked Santa real nicely.

susan said...

"In his house at R'lyeh dead Cheney oops, Cthulhu waits dreaming." That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die.

Only two of the prisoners were found sane enough to be hanged, and the rest were committed to various institutions.

Bull said...

Boobies good...even the stone ones.

Sabathia, Schmabathia...the Sox ate his lunch in the '07 ALCS, they'll eat it again. Still...fuckin' Yankees.

Much better porn name than mine woulda' been...Snowball Huard

Mathman6293 said...

Randal, Thanks for the link. Clearly, I get more play from my porn name. No surprise.

I am saying here for the record that I did not vote for the last two corrupt Illinois governors even though I lived in the Land O Lincoln for the greater part of my life.

S.W. Anderson said...

RG, a suggestion for at least one of 12 impossible things to believe before breakfast: coherence is a virtue.

OK, I'll admit experiencing a vertigo-like sensation two-thirds of the way down a post I'm reading can be exhilarating at times, even given the whiplash risk to the sensibilities. However. . .

Let me balance that with a compliment on the accompanying art. You've got impeccable taste in ancient Greeks.

Übermilf said...

Maybe you're numb because you're not talking about politics.

Also, I am happy to see you post a naked woman who is shaped like me. Even if she is made of stone.

pissed off patricia said...

Blogo missed his calling. He should have been one of those tv ministers who begs for money 24/7. He surely has the hair for it and his bend toward corruption fits nicely too.

Randal Graves said...

BB, Sabathia saves AIG! Film at 11!

The Greeks sure knew how to make 'em, didn't they? No wonder the Romans took them over.

kelso, the Mets adding Putz helps. Give me a deep, effective bullpen over an ace closer any day of the week, but that's a nice 8th/9th inning setup.

I'm with you on the West. Another playoff sacrificial lamb, but don't ask me about Shapiro. If I'm going to pay an arm macho bucks, I'm certainly paying CC and not Lee.
And hey, Lawton might turn into a 25-HR guy and those are far more rare than a strikeout-tossing innings eater control freak. Blah.

I've got no problem taking a flyer on Wood, but at 2 years, $20 million? Hasn't he had about 752 DL trips in the last three seasons? You're a gambler, see if you can find the odds on when Kerry's first DL stint will be. I've got ten bucks. ;-)

angie, merci, but it's still out in the ether somewhere.

BE, Santa's probably employed by the RNC.

susan, on the great plateau of Leng, beyond the frozen mountains, beyond even the flutes of Azathoth, lies The Undisclosed Location.

bull, I'm just mad that this'll likely lead to The Fucking Yankees playing in October again. It was nice knowing they had zero shot last year.

Yeah, you lose the porn name game. :)

mathman, well, I heard a rumor that some people like pornography. Like Mitt Romney and his hotel chain.

SWA, the way I figure, unless one is writing a textbook, coherence is overrated. Well, okay, it's probably important in cooking.

übermilf, politics? You want me to make even less sense?

I knew there was a reason that you're the übermilf.

POP, you don't think Benny Hinn's hair would fatally attack, thereby ending his televangelism before it had a chance to save a single soul?

Dean Wormer said...

Are we sure his last name isn't Osmond?

S.W. Anderson said...

P.O.P. has a great idea for Blago — maybe his next gig? — but there are a couple of problems he'd have to overcome.

First, his language needs a major overhaul. Granny Cratchitt's willingness to cash in a CD or two to send a donation Blago's way would explode at the Rev. B's first MoFo reference.

Second, Blago lacks the obligatory southern or Ozarks accent.

Spartacus said...

Mets get Putz. There are lots of Yiddish speakers here in NY that are laughing their asses now. They're also gawking at statues of nekked Greek goddesses, but that's just because they've been banned from seeing the real thing in Astoria, NY

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