Saturday, May 9, 2009

Don't you know this is the private library of the Satan's Helpers?

Wherein I'm reduced to bitching about work.
Satan's Book Depository, can I help you?
"I need two books pulled."
I'm the only one here ma'am --
"You're the only one there?"
Yes, ma'am, and therefore cannot leave the desk, but I'd be more than happy to place holds on them, preventing anyone else on the Lord's Good Earth from interrupting your fascinating intellectual journey, tra la la la la.
"Why can't you pull them nooooow?"
I'm the only one here ma'am.
"But I don't have time to go looking for them. I need the books right now."
I'm sorry, but as I said, I can place holds on them for you --
"Are you telling me that you're the only one there?"
I'm the only one here ma'am.
"Exaggerated, melodramatic sigh. When will someone else be there?"
At 10 am.
"Fine. I'll call back then, subterranean breath muttering. I need the books right now. I don't have time. Click."
Quite alright ma'am. Continue your self-flagellation, I'll be busy myself.
Fire hot.


Liberality said...

you mean you can't drop everything just to take care of this lady's needs? for shame. moving along now...:~)

Bubs said...

I'm always entertained by people who devote a great deal of time to telling you how they don't have any time.

By the way, have you ever visited this blog:

The Society for Librarians Who Say Motherf*cker

sunshine said...

First of all ... you called me Susan in your last post. Makes me feel all rebound girlfriendish.
Secondly, I'm going to see Heart this Thursday! I hope that lifts my cool factor up a notch!
Thirdly ... Muwahahahahah! You fell right into my trap dear boy! The old don't come to my blog (but I really want you to come) trick.
Boys are so dumb. :)

Satan's helpers huh? For a moment there I thought it was a picture of one of the Mormon Temples. You know how they have the angel Moroni on top! Kind of reminded me of that.
LAURA (notice I yelled my name?) mmmhmmm

Anonymous said...

Geesh, you sit on your warm behind, while that lady stressed out. I mean would it have been too hard put down the phone and do her bidding? You're used to doing the bidding of women, no? Or did you just want to use SATAN again for your perverse delight? You're sick, and while you're up, bid me this riddle! Or riddle me biddle, whichever comes first.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, hell, it wasn't even a matter of dropping or picking up, but a matter of me not having a rubber arm that can stretch three floors up. ;-)

bubs, I don't have time to read your comment. I do have time to say thanks for that link, that's some motherfucking goodness.


It's all those damn S, like that bad flick SSSSS with Dirk Benedict and Strother Martin.

I'm the last person who should be judging what is and isn't cool, unless we're talking temperatures. For example, ice is cool.

Satan's Helpers! Don't tell me you haven't seen Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. If I had photoshop I would've slapped a shot of the man in front of some books, but alas, I am a techno chump.

Well, I have to get back to being dumb. ;-)

afd, I live with three chicks, so yeah, I'm used to being low man on the Satan pole. Riddle your biddle? Pornliness is next to godliness?

sunshine said...

I did see Pee Wee's Big Adventure. It's been so many years now though .. I've forgotten. Sorry man. Looks like I'm the dumb one!

You still fell into my trap though so... Muwhahahahahahahah!!!
There. Now I can at least walk out of here with a tiny bit of dignity!
P.S. Hope you didn't notice me trip on the way out..... ;D

Utah Savage said...

That was me on the phone Randal, you lazy assed motherfucker. You have a three story library and only one person on duty? WTF? Isn't funny that she needed those books RIGHT NOW! and DOESN'T HAVE TIME, but can wait till ten for some other librarian slave to arrive to pull her fucking books. I'm betting she has someone wipe her ass at home because SHE DOESN'T HAVE TIME!

susan said...

I hope when she came in she was told the other person was on they're break so there was still only ONE person there. Lazy bitch. Put another shrimp on the barby of hell.

Übermilf said...

Were they books on how to apply a tourniquet? Maybe she really DIDN'T have time.

sunshine said...

What's that old Genesis song?
Follow me I will follow you.... or vice versa in our case! :)
14 Followers! Global domination is within my reach!!!!

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I'm surprised at you. So, you didn't have time to pull the books that woman wanted. About the third time you had to assure her you were the only one there, you were entitled to grab three books at random, attach a note with her name on it and set them aside for her to pick up in the morning.

Could've been worse. Imagine if you were a 911 operator, with people calling to complain about going through the drive-up at McDonald's and only getting 6 chicken nuggets when they were supposed to get 8, or whatever. There's real evil for you.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you Swine!

Don't you know you exist only for the satisfaction of the great unwashed masses? Get over yourself, dude!

That said, I dedicated a post to you.

Take that, you swine!



Chef Cthulhu said...

You're NOT the only one there!!! That call came from INSIDE THE LIBRARY!!! Get out!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

Beach Bum said...

Thank God someone has had something similar happen to them. I thought it was just me who gets bothered with some insane person wanting the impossible right away. I had started to think that I was somehow slipping into speaking another language. But it really is other people who are crazy.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Who the fuck decided to leave you alone and in charge of the library?

Blame him and/or her.

(And, since the library is empty, I'll be waiting in the french poetry aisle in my uniform with duster in hand. Announce a blue light special on vintage Playboys and get your lazy ass up here, please.)

Tom Harper said...

Those 2 books were on what to do NOW if you accidentally ingest poison.

Oh well...

Will "take no prisoners" Hart said...

At least it was an actual voice.

Dr. Zaius said...

Let me see if I understand this correctly. Are you the only one here?

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, but you tripped with the grace of a drunken ballerina.

utah, you don't know what lazy is. I waited until today to respond.

susan, it's like when chumps come in and all but refuse to be shown how to look up a book. "Can't you just get it for me?" Sure, when we all have personal flying robots.

übermilf, you're assuming we can keep such a hot item from being stolen. We stopped buying copies of The Lord of the Tourniquet years ago.

sunshine, with our combined strength, we could rule this galaxy as, well, not father and son, but with bad dialogue!

SWA, I can't imagine the psychotic calls those poor 911 suckers get. I wonder if they got any when some KFCs ran out of chicken and didn't honor Oprah®.

tengrain, you bastard, I feel honored! Take that, unwashed masses!

chef, ha! Wait, doesn't that situation only happen to teenage babysitter babes?

BB, but you're employed by a hospital, I'm sure you get many more loons than I, or at least ones that could turn out to be dangerous.

FB, you doubt my vast administrative abilities? I won my fantasy basketball league this season!

Oh, now you tell me. The place is crowded now.

We used to have Playboy on microfilm years ago, but no longer. B&W airbrushed goodness!

tom, hey, one has to be careful since they got rid of the poison control hotline.

will, the automated calls are the best. "You qualify for a free trip to the Caribbean! Please hold!"

dr. zaius, until the clones come in, yes, but that's FedEx for you.

La Belette Rouge said...

I bet you can say "Ma'am" in such away that it is so loaded with meaning that it could reduce a person capable of reading subtext into fits of rage and, perhaps, self loathing.