Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Things I learned this long weekend

1. Having The Best Player On The Planet® is no detriment to the awesome cosmic power wielded by Cleveland's Black Hole of Athletics that on a molecular level simply strips electrons from their orbits but on a B-movie level (except for The Black Hole where those fuckers inexplicably survived, not so tough now, are you, Maximilian Schell) tears skin and muscle and tendons off of disintegrating bone, a flash of red that vanishes in a third-quarter olé-defense nanosecond, inaudible screams, the most violent of ends over before you can say Jack Robinson vacuum cleaner. Kudos, miserable town of nightmare and deceit, you have no peer in this space-time continuum.

2. Completely disconnecting from flesh world in order to connect with pulp world is refreshing. Except when you have to call the cops four times over the course of three days on your redneck grease monkey neighbor who refuses to graduate adolescence and won't shut the hell up at 11pm. Do you really want me to blare my stuff? You listen to Toby Keith and play-by-play NASCAR. I listen to Slayer and Mayhem. My money's on me, but unlike you, I'm not a complete dick. Too bad pouring the contents of an oil pan on someone and then setting said person on fire before dousing said person with water then repeating the process until they're nice n' crispy is illegal. Damn oligarchy with your "laws."

3. North Korea is threatening the nukyuler option on Queen of the Reconquista (or whatever Lou Dobbs is calling that shit -- look! A mexcan!) Sotomayer? Wow, they're more hardcore than the wingnuts except for Spray-On 'cause he'll drown you in his briny tears.

4. Aside from probably being necessary, I think another Black Death would be funny. The last one gave us Ring Around the Rosie. (hey, just go with it) Who knows what catchy rhymes a fresh catastrophe would bring!

Ring around the cadaver!
Look at what I discover!
Rotting flesh!
Rotting flesh!
We stink in the sun!

Now you try!


sunshine said...

I think my brother might actually be your neighbour. It kind of looks like him. (no, I'm not proud to admit that...)
I skipped over the basketball part that you wrote. Sorry, I know it means a lot to you but I just don't get it so.... :)
Have a lovely, lovely day!!!

Übermilf said...

Randal's sports blogging or black death? I'll take "Hillbilly Sets Me on Fire" for 800, Alex.

Mary Ellen said... mean setting my neighbor on fire is illegal? Damn, better stash that body a little further from home. Thanks for the tip.

Hmmm, writing song ditties about rotting flesh disease. That's a challenge. I'll think about it while I'm eating lunch.

themom said...

At first I was thinking, that's some funky nail polish. then I put on my glasses. Egads...hope it doesn't hit here!! :)

La Belette Rouge said...

Gross!!! What were you thinking? I feel sick! And, that rotting flesh eating disease was gross too.;-)

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, if it is him, tell him to keep it down! And don't worry, the way we're playing defense, I won't be writing too much more on the sporting life.

übermilf, if it wasn't so much work, a Jeopardy post would be an excellent idea, but then I'd have to come up with answers and questions and fuck that.

nunly, I saw nothing.

Try the soylent green with mayo. It's delicious.

themom, if I was a supervillian, I'd have it selectively liquidate fuckers, but alas, I am not.

LBR, be happy my Google-Fu is crap because I was looking for something far more disgusting!

Tom Harper said...

I can sure relate to your second paragraph. We used to have these next door neighbors, a couple in their early 20s I'd guess. They always had tons of friends and people's children hanging out there, and they always had music playing. Mostly they played sixties music -- the stuff I used to listen to back in the sixties.

Usually they were just loud enough to be mildly irritating, but sometimes they really got carried away. I like loud music too, so I didn't want to look like some finicky old lady and go over there and ask them to turn it down. But one night they were really pushing it, so I took my CD player out to our terrace, faced it toward them (they were all sitting out in their yard) and put on the cussingest Pantera CD I could find (Far Beyond Driven) at full volume. They had little kids over there and everything. After a few minutes of Phil Anselmo bellowing out "We're fuckin' you back! We're fuckin' you back!" -- they all went inside and closed their door.


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know Graves
How much I'll miss you
When the county takes you away.



S.W. anderson said...

In light of items 2 and 4, you think I'm more of a sicko than you are, just because I proffered some creative uses for breakfast sausages and colorful characters on a bus ride? Whew.

Seriously, you're in splendid form. And you'll probably be in even finer form after reading Tengrain's comment. ;)

Beach Bum said...

Can relate on the neighbor issue, but with me it’s the entire subdivision and the pod people I live around.

As for another round of Black Death, I'm all for it. Not only might it open up some choice beach front property but rid us of fat political radio talk show hosts.

Bee said...

The question is, if there is another plague, which house would one commandeer?

Anonymous said...

Hey Graves.... you think Lebron will sing "you can do magic" after the Cavs lose the series? Well, you can always fall back on the joy of watching the Tribe erase a 10-run Rays lead.

susan said...

Hello, good-bye, a smoochy kiss;
This trip's been lotsa fun;
Devils prod me with their pikes;
Hair and flesh undone;
Lumps of gore drip putrid stink;
Adieu, I have to run.

Hill said...

I once had a neighbor who had a "W" sticker on his fucking riding lawn mower. He was so fat and disgusting his ass cheeks damn near covered the wheel wells.


He was a dick.

And not the fun kind, either.


Randal Graves said...

tom, HA! That story should be an animated teevee special.

tengrain, you bastard, that's the nicest thing anyone has written me in the last 27 minutes.

SWA, tengrain wins this round! ;-)

BB, pod people? You haven't noticed Donald Sutherland strolling about your neighborhood belching monolithic noises, have you?

The problem with my scenario is that the Limbaughs and Hannitys will end up being the survivors.

bee, the one well-stocked with canned goods of course! Not too many survivalist types in the burbs though.

spartacus, I'd be willing to consider giving up on sports if I didn't know it was an impossible task.

susan, hey, that's pretty good. And since you're the artsy type, any chance you could accompany your verse with a spooky woodcut?

hill, I hope you're happy. You just made everyone throw up.

Dean Wormer said...

Ring around the finger!
A marriage does linger!
Life is gone!
Life is gone!
Wedded ain't bliss!

(Not in reference to my own marital happiness.)

Utah Savage said...

Oh my bleeding eyes! Are you trying to kill me with scary shit? Sports carefully woven into all forms of torture and madness? You are one dastardly bastard!

Randal Graves said...

dean, I know a Freudian slip when I see one!

utah, gotta go with what you know. Well, not really, but anything to annoy you weirdos that stop by.

Dr. Zaius said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Zaius said...

Ring-a-ring o'neutrons,
A pocketful of positrons,
A fission! A fission!
We all fall down.

The Fellowship of the Holy Fallout