Friday, May 15, 2009

Inhale 'em if you got 'em

Get used to the smell, kid, you'll be running on fumes someday, I gar-on-tee, cayonne, on-yon, bowtie haw haw. Did we fix Afghan Land yet?

But before I go away for the weekend to my couch sandwiched around the experience of the always tingly Art of Grass Cutting and something even more archaic, that deepest of mysteries hidden beyond the shadows of existence, obtainable only by climbing the most profound heights on the very roof of the world to speak with beings able to warp time and space itself for purposes we dare not know, the ancient practice of -- shhh! -- Weed Pull-Fu, the time has come to talk of many things, not of sneakers, nor ships, nor Turtle Wax, rutabagas or the Los Angeles Kings, but these skating chumps:

Pittsburgh vs. Carolina: Oh, I get it, pencil in the fucking Hurricanes for the playoffs year after year since they won the whole fucking chalupa in 2006, give up on them at last, then they decide to not lose 89,364 man-games to injury? Won't matter. Crosby is a fucking lunatic. Penguins in six.

Detroit vs. Chicago: Alright, so Robbie the Robot had circuit failure at the worst possible time. I'm still going to play the better odds and declare the country of old men (and a few key young dudes; how about Helm on that breakaway, huh?) stave off the still-teething drunkards from Chi-cah-go. Red Wings in seven bloody games.

As a parting gift, I offer you, gentle reader, a veritable cornucopia of musical joy for your weekend listening pleasure caressing your newest batch of cheap Chinese trinkets while we all wait for one of those Association scrubs to emerge, ready for their sacrifice on the altar of The Mighty Cavs. Please, select from the following bouncy tunes:

Just for you, Tengrain, I know how much you adore the death metal.

For those contemplative moments sans the banging of heads.


Agi said...

Nice selection with the Fauré.

Utah Savage said...

Faure gets my vote. And what's up with luring us in with something almost sadly poetic and then dragging us alone with the goddamed sports and sports and sports. I don't even know what kind of sports you're talking about, I just know it's now time to skip to the end and bypass teh headbangers, and whew! Faure at last.

Übermilf said...

If the Blackhawks win, I want you to write a poem extolling my many virtues.

Anonymous said...

Hope you enjoy the yardwork. It will make a man of ya I promise. And didn't I tell ya the Wings would win? Listen to me next time.

Chef Cthulhu said...

Fucking Canes...I don't care who wins now, as long as someone knocks Scott Walker's fucking teeth down his fucking throat.

The Celtics have already over-achieved without Garnett, but let's hope they get to be the next victims of King James and the Cavs.

Cuz it's the only way the Cavs are gonna' get by 'em...

Fucking Bruins...


Randal Graves said...

agi, a beautiful piece, isn't it?

utah, you should know what my modus operasingeri is by now. Just think how insufferable I'll be if the Cavs win the whole cabbage patch.

übermilf, can I make stuff up?

afd, I've picked the Red Wings three straight times, I'm ahead of the curve!

chef, oh yawn. KG is out, so let the whining begin before you goobers even get past the weirdos from Orlando. You know damn well that The Best Player On Planet Earth® would lead The Mighty Cavs past Mr. Histrionic and his merry band of chowdah-heads.


Übermilf said...

I'm counting on it.

La Belette Rouge said...

I didn't know you spoke Cajun. Impressive.

Utah Savage said...

LBR, my first guffaw of the day. Thanks ever so much. And Randal just because we come back to talk to your other readers doesn't mean we aren't also sneaking around to see what smart alecky thing you've said to us.

Agi said...

I hope the Lakers lose Sunday so all these idiots will take those yellow flags off their cars.

S.W. anderson said...

Morbid Angel, Faure, sports and yard work. Randal is thy name, eclecticism is thy game.

Except, nothing lately about breakfast? You're slipping. Think pancakes with pecans and bananas before you go out pulling weeds. :)

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

I tried banging my head once. it hurt.

Distributorcap said...

there is something wrong with hockey while it is 80 degrees

Dr. Zaius said...

**hrumph** I'm not going to watch your videos because you didn't watch Germaine Gregarious' latest Corporate Training Video. ;o)

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

I agree with DCap, hockey never should have been allowed below the Mason-Dixon Line.

...always tingly Art of Grass Cutting
So you drink beer while cutting grass? I have twin cup holders rigged to the lawn mower and when I have to cut the grass I at least can get a really nice buzz going.

Tom Harper said...

OK, I've done my Sunday headbanging listening.

Snave said...

Whose fumes will the kid be running on, his own? I think they need to develop a car that runs on human waste as produced by the driver. It wouldn't require catheterization or anything too invasive like that, just toilets built into the car's seats, with collecting devices and a below-the-car processor of some kind.

I'm not enough of a hockey fan to pay attention to who is ahead or even how far along the playoffs are. Are the Blackhawks doing well? I only list them as a favorite because Mrs. Snave is from Chicago (although she is not a hockey fan either).

And since the TrailBlazers made their exit from the NBA playoffs, I admit I didn't even know at what stages the various matchups were.

Guess I've been too busy pondering the future of the American automotive industry.

Dusty said...

All I know is this:

The Cav's better win it all or I am gonna be pissed! ;p

Dean Wormer said...

Did you catch "King of the Hill" last night? One of the guys was going to Canada to visit and Hank told him "you better not come back a hockey fan."

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Everyone knows that the definitive Op.78 was performed by the BoomTown Rats.

Thanks for the mention, sorry I got here so late.



themom said...

Reading the comments here is ALMOST as good as your post - operative word ALMOST. I am such a die-hard Steeler fan and the (losing) Pirates - everyone tells me I have to be a Pens fan also. So - I am. Enjoy the fleas and jiggers in the grass.

susan said...

Is that how all the future Indy 500 fans are made?

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, a load off my shoulders!

LBR, I'm a many of many hats!

utah, I think you secretly love sports.

agi, do many of the autos have both yellow Laker flags and yellow ribbons, or are the latter passé now that Hussein X is lording over all?

SWA, well, we did have pancakes on my first Saturday off in ages. ;-)

JNRR, you best stick to shaking your groove thang.

dcap, I'm not particularly inclined to disagree. Cut the season back to 70 games.

dr. zaius, you never watch my metal videos anyway. ;-)

BB, you know, that's an excellent idea. I've never tried cutting the grass while blotto.

tom, God Bless You.

snave, you ponder important issues far too much. ;-)

Given that illwill is the only thing humans create more than waste, we really should get on that Back to the Future-style engine.

dusty, how do you think we in Cleveland will feel!!!! + an extra !

dean, I'm guessing Hank wasn't thrilled with the '99 Stars?

tengrain, I suppose Beethoven's 24th piano sonata doesn't count? You communist!

themom, bah, the comments far surpass my half-assed posts. I hate The Fucking Steelers. Goddamn Kurt Warner tossin' picks.

susan, as good an explanation as any.

Dr. Zaius said...

Yeah, but NOBODY watches you metal videos. That's a given.