Thursday, May 7, 2009

Whole Lotta Nothin'

It was a dark and stormy midday. The windows were spattered with the patter of an inebriated, sickly sound, a R&B/pop pap smeared on the glass via the entrails of a Now That's What I Call Vomit 37 disc except it was in French so I guess its title would be Maintenant qu'est ce que j'appelle vomi trente-sept but I'm not sure because I'm terrible at French which is why I couldn't tell whether the singer was praising or castigating me. Everybody sing! Castigation station, what's your obfuscation! Hooking up hookahs with lungs and nearby roads and thoroughfares where plying her trade might be a hooker! I know, where's the hook.

Anyway, the other day, my sometimes-better-half and I --

"Dumbass, turn the self-filter on!"


Last week the trees on a stretch of sidewalk near work sprouted their leaves, their shed buds a hard, bright yellow-green carpet laid upon the mute grey of the stone. After being trampled under foot while talkin' about love, they now radiate the distinct hue of vomit. No, that's not the theme but mere coincidence. I suppose one could infer that this is the theme of this apparent brain dump, but this isn't a brain dump proper -- should I be saying "time for a number two?" -- but more of a brain fizzle like when a garden hose nuzzles a bunch of gunk and the water doesn't come out full 3-2-1 blast off, the nozzle exhaling nothing but a trifling piffle. Ever see that shot of young Jimmy Page doing skiffle on Limey teevee?

Don't tell Crowley's ghost or there'll be a Whole Lotta Hex.

Perhaps starting with you, "private property owners." In the War On Islamojihadfascistocommiepinkoism®, or, The Convenient Other -- that sounds like the title of a bad postmodern novel just dying to be praised by 386 MFA critics and read by the 12 of them that aren't out bohoing in Soho until 3am or whatever it is those fuckers do. Damn you, self, if only I enjoyed metal ironically and owned multiple pairs of skinny jeans -- there's no such thing as private. Unless it's for national security purposes. Jesus says so. Look it up. Hubris, ostentatious extremism, three-piece suits, holy books, large beards, people blowed up real good which we, unlike those nihilists, are deeply, deeply sorry for, colossal imperialist displays of concrete and steel, cette guerre has it all. No quarter!

"It's not a brain dump if you pull something out of the newsies."

The gallows pole for you, socialist. I for one cannot wait for the Flight 93 Memorial Supersize Play Set, available only at Wal-Mart. Just look at these features!

  • President Bush with removable codpiece and kung-fu grip!
  • pull the string and hear the authentic "Let's Roll®!"
  • large and larger American flag decals!
  • complete set of boxcutters!
  • not for children under 4!
  • made in China!
  • papier-mâché Congress sold separately!
Gonna be a sweet Xmas chez Randal this year. Dancing days!


Anonymous said...

Your forgot to add the scaled down model of the Boeing 757 with detachable wings, made of sturdy stainless steel.

Also, add an authentic 911 operator's headset and tape recorder which captures hours of recorded conversation.

Both items are also sold separately, but will be thrown in as a deluxe package if Billy Mays sells it.

Dean Wormer said...

Perfect, except congress won't be made out of paper mache. Something more bendable with authentic lack of spine.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, Billy Mays? Did you really have to go there?

dean, how about the stuff the old Gumby and Pokey toys were made out of? No, Stretch Armstrong 'cause the goo was toxic.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Randal. I did. He's the new king of the crap hawks as far as I'm concerned.

sunshine said...

I almost spit out my pop when I read "pull the string and hear the authentic "Let's Roll®!"
Now that is funny....

Tom Harper said...

Ah, that Jimmy Page, what an endearing lad. It isn't true, is it, that he fell in with the wrong crowd and started playing that horrible Devil's Music? I heard that he became famous with some loud awful band, that all he did was make a bunch of terrible screeching noises with an electric guitar.

Bet you didn't know that Phil Anselmo (Pantera, Superjoint Ritual) used to be a member of the Kingston Trio. (True or False)

Utah Savage said...

Tom Harper, you're talking about Randals favorite music, earsplitting screeching death metal. That is what you're talking about isn't it? It's not nice to insult the host. Now that Kingston Trio was good. Remember Scotch and Soda?

Übermilf said...

I thought I commented here.

I guess I didn't.

I don't feel like it now.

Dusty said...

That last paragraph made me shiver.

They would do it if they could get away with know they would.

Liberality said...

But first they have to come out with the movie and then they'll sell the play action sets.

Beach Bum said...

The freakiest things that a few years ago I saw two versions of a President Bush "action figure". One had him in a suit and the other was in a flight suit from his "Mission Accomplished" visit to an aircraft carrier.

I walked out the store before I said something that would have gotten me in trouble.

susan said...

Were you talking about that place with the bizarre debris field? I'm looking forward to a visit there right after I check out the Creation Museum.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Debris sold separately, I'm thinking.

Agi said...

Don't be talking shit about Billy Mays. That man is my personal lord and savior. He has gotten me through many late nights when there's nothing good on teevee.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, and no doubt the MC in hell.

sunshine, as long as your drink went on someone else and not on something as vital as your keyboard.

tom, it's funny you pointing out the connection between Mr. Page and Satan, given this story of righteousness. Onward Christian soldiers!

utah, since when is Zeppelin death metal? And actually, Beethoven is The Man.

The Kingston Trio will fuck your shit up.

übermilf, that's alright, I thought I didn't post, then saw that I did.

dusty, if they did, hell, I might actually buy the thing.

liberality, good point. And a tie-in with Burger King or McDonald's.

BB, I wonder if they still make those. The perfect present!

susan, the place was condemned by the feds and it just isn't like them to feed our nationalist blood sacrifice jones.

SWB, I think some Legos could do in a pinch, though.

agi, I was thrilled when I saw the commercial for the Jupiter Jack. He hasn't hawked a new product in a while.

Dr. Zaius said...

It is my understanding that President Bush's removable codpiece is largely ornamental. His Kung-Fu grip is awesome, however!