Saturday, May 2, 2009


Why is there a picture of Salma Hayek?
Because she played Serendipity in Dogma. Duh.

The last couple of days I've had a mild cough that makes its presence known only rarely, yet when it does, it becomes an event, for there's a quiet, yet evident, raspy quality as if my throat, without my knowledge or blessing, has been subsisting on a diet of whiskey and cigarettes. Thanks to the paranoia generated by everyone's favorite military/industrial/entertainment apparatus, I get a gleeful kick out of those slightly askew glances whenever I force out an extra exhalation snug with the sound of gravel, a visage one sees whenever there is an unfamiliar person in their midst and they don't have the requisite information to navigate the waters of interaction, for even if said person was known to be an asshole, there are certain mechanisms at one's disposal to deal with such a dubious character. But the omnipresent fear of the unknown receiving the concrete projection of an newly existing dread, fueled by print media and television and grandmotherly concern? The inherent strength found in this primordial pit of despair is amplified into something beyond paralyzing. And I smile because they're in much more of a hurry to go away.

Of course, the cosmos, unconcerned as it is with our planet of dung-producing creatures, must cast a pall over my fun, such as this morning when I was crossing Chester Ave. and caught in the corner of my eye a white blob. From a distance, it appeared to be an exceedingly large package of mozzarella but turned out to be cotton, seemingly in the form of the innards of a stuffed animal. Lo and behold, a few paces further on there was the creature, sprawled out on the rain-dampened sidewalk next to a parked car, brutally sliced open, still smiling in its striped shirt, its tail still a curly fry, a poor, defenseless pig.

See what paranoia can do?

Between this scene and that of last Saturday where I passed, on the way to catch the bus home, St. John's Cathedral where, resting on the curb in front of the entrance was a bus plastered with beautiful ladies and ample cleavage not unlike the lovely and talented Miss Hayek above, a vehicle in the employ of Christie's Cabaret, ostensibly to shuffle patrons to and from their establishment and an air or carport. The parking lights were flashing, so I wasn't sure if it was pickup or delivery of a religious experience. What I am sure of is that I wish I had had a camera in order to document all this comedy.


Liberality said...

At the library we now have wipes to use on the doors and computer keyboards. Also we have bottles of hand sanitizer to chap our hands with. We also offer this hand chapping crap to the patrons for them to use. Crazy isn't it?

I sort of look like Selma if you turn down the lights to really dim and you didn't expect full breast feeding breasts there on the chest wall. I guess that last part would take all the fun right out of the dim light experience though. ;~)

Übermilf said...

Perhaps the van was delivering people to/fro the confessional?

Also, the stuffed pig may not have been a victim of swine flu hysteria; maybe he simply had been used as a heroin mule.

S.W. anderson said...

That scene in front of the cathedral would've made a terrific photo. Wish you had been toting a camera. There's little if any good street photography being done any more.

As for the juxtaposition of the cabaret bus in front of the house of worship, perhaps it was payback for some of the faithful flock having at some point posted themselves in front of the cabaret, in an effort to lure sinners away from tawdry and sinful pastimes.

Either that or maybe a group from the church had figured out a cover story for hanging out in and near the cabaret. :)

Utah Savage said...

I too think that pig was a heroin mule, but thats they way my mind works. My cigarette and whiskey cough can clear a path for me, so I'm liking the paranoia of my fellow assholes. If oinkly I could work up a good sneeze in line at the grocery store where, by the way, there is a hell of a sell on pork chops, I could really get to the head of the line fast.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, oh yeah, we've got the Death to Virus squeeze bottles.

And you can self-deprecate all you wish, you're still a babe. ;-)

übermilf, forgive me father, for I saw the greatest shower show ever!

The heroin mule is an interesting theory, but since the War on Drugs has been an unmitigated success, it's an erroneous one.

SWA, I've been telling myself for years to get a digital camera, but that was the clincher since I'll never see anything that good again.

"Why yes dear, I'm not going to a strip joint, I'm going to worship the Lord, amen."

utah, have you thought about carrying some pepper or other nostril irritant? You can use it at the deli counter as well in case the yokel in front of you is about to get the last of the oven-roasted turkey, just bring up a sneeze et voilà, dead bird is yours.

susan said...

One of my favorite moments when I didn't have a camera handy was the day I passed a litter strewn razor-wired parking lot in an old industrial area that had a big sign that said 'Parking For Fantasies Only'.. There was a strip joint around the corner.

I'm having a great time working up a few extra coughs every time I go out. It does work like a charm at the Deli.

Christopher said...

We encountered a cough today at the supermarket.

Naturally, we backed our cart up and ran the other way.

Any illness, whether it's a spring cold, the H1N1 Swine Flu, or Christianity, is best avoided.

Hill said...

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!Randal, if you went to Spencer's Gifts (do those still even exist?!?) and got one of those pink pig noses with a big rubber band to hold it in place around your head and then went out and coughed, even slightly, well, let's just say you could cause a riot.

BTW, get that digital camera! They're getting cheaper and better all the time, and you just never know when you'll see something that is begging to be photographed...


Tom Harper said...

Oh My God, Damn You Salma Hayek! She's responsible for this unprecedented global flu pandemic. She and all those other dark skinned swarthy cretins whose only purpose in life is to spread a plague among decent successful white Americans.

I was just listening to Glen Beck. He was telling us the truth, wasn't he??

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

one good thing about living in rural france is there isn't fear and panic about the H1N1 (i think that's the formal name) virus. I also hate how they named it Swine Flu - poor pigs. And the media, oh how they have made it so much worse. Poor pig without his stuffing!

Sounds like you had a pretty fun week.

Distributorcap said...

someone coughed at trader joe's today -- it was the only way to clear out the place

Anonymous said...

I've been coughing all week Randal. It started when the news of swine flu in Mexico broke. There were no shortage of people asking me if I felt okay, since I had been in Mexico two weeks before the outbreak was reported. My response? "I dunno. But I used your phone a few moments ago."

Scarlet W. Blue said...

You're making that up about the pig, right?

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

As reported to me a few hours after it happened some well dressed white guy is reported to have come screeching to a stop in front of the main entrance to the emergency room at the hospital where I work.
The lady working the reception desk said the car was a Lexus and the guy jumped out and since the main entrance doors of the Emergency are the huge revolving type that take a second to start spinning the guy started beating on the huge panes of glass in a panic.

Once in, he rushed the desk claiming that he needed to see a doctor right away. Supposedly, Mr. High-and-Mighty was sneezed on by some Hispanic kid while in line at Wal-Mart. The guy was convinced he was infected with Swine Flu and wanted attention right away. All he got, in the end, after being lectured that he would have to wait in line was security escorting him all the building.

Really gave me a nice warm fuzzy for humanity.

Randal Graves said...

susan, I'm pro-fantasy, but I think I'd have to pass on the razor-wire.

You didn't just cough, did you?

christopher, the power of cough compels you!

hill, that's a good idea. There just aren't enough riots anymore.

tom, Glenn IS truth. Amen.

NVJ, oh don't worry, coughing and heaving and chicken soup is coming your way! Muahahahaha, etc.

dcap, you've been practicing your crowd-clearing cough, haven't you.

spartacus, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

SWB, lo and behold, you aren't a zombified corpse, after all. Nope, everything is true, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

BB, nice. I too now loathe humanity just a little bit more than yesterday.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Zombified, yes. Corpse, not so much.

Agi said...

Thank you for that pic of Salma. It made my morning.

Randal Graves said...

SWB, as long as you don't try to eat my brain, we'll get along just fine.

agi, no problemo, anything to help alleviate the pain of 7am.

Dean Wormer said...

I just noticed you wrote some stuff under that picture of Salma.

Dr. Zaius said...

IF you are not feeling well, then you probably have swine flu. (I'm a doctor, I should know.) Don't eat any pork! And watch out for the Golgothan. P-U! He's not much of a "courtesy flush" kind of guy, I hear.

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