"Verily, good squire, did we not fucketh their shit up?"
"Tis true, m'lord, fucketh up their shit we did."
L.A. Lakers vs. Houston: Time to dig up the bones of Charles Nelson Reilly for this edition of Match Game. The Lakers have problems with Portland who got slapped around like a Sunni stepchild in a house of Shiites by Houston who routinely gets waxed by the aforementioned squadron from Los Angeles so you know who I'm picking, sorry China our corporate overlords. Charles, since you're broke, you being a corpse and all, the next round is on me. Can you pass me that bowl of pretzels? The Fucking Lakers in five.
Denver vs. Dallas: Either the Mavericks have greater depth than even they had previously assumed, thereby making an ass of themselves (or they're some kind of weird space void) or San Antonio really is two all-world talents surrounded by steaming piles of feces. Like all good politicians, I'm playing the cop out card and saying a little bit of both. What does that mean against Denver? Too thin air + bench not as thin as Nawlins = thicker chances of victory, but I prefer the vaguely lunatic intensity of Chauncey and Co. Nuggets in seven. (Yeah, I know this series started yesterday. Even with a Dallas win, I'd still pick Denver.)
Boston vs. Orlando: Gee, these two teams sure were impressively mediocre against mediocrity, weren't they. Boston is a sieve and Orlando is a steaming bowl of noodles. Who has home court? Boston? Fine, it's like buttah. Celtics in seven "epic" games. Let me know when someone plays defense, Boston, or can score out of a half-court set, Orlando. The winner is going to get waxed by The Mighty Cavs anyway.
Cleveland vs. Atlanta: It continues, with time out for a short nap along the way. Hey, even William the Conqueror took a siesta now and then. Cavs in five.