Thursday, May 28, 2009

There once was a man named Enis

Distraught to the point of even more thee ole boozeroony over my latest month-long inability -- man, this is getting fucking wrinkly and decrepit with a side of walker and cataracts -- to pen a single line of worthwhile verse and shut up brain because I know exactly what you were going to say, I was heartened by an omen, a portent, a message from the gods themselves:

Barcelona 2, Manchester United 0.

What does the Champions League final have to do with my writer's block? Simple.

The loser,

unfettered capitalistic hubris, contra the victor,

always thinking of the children.

Isn't that beautiful? Sniff.

I won't give up, Zombie Jesus, I won't ever give up!


Anonymous said...

Oh man.. you had to go there with the Enis thing didn't you. Believe it or not, my oldest son watched this... ummm match* after school yesterday with his friends. I immediately took him to an Emergency Room to have him checked for hallucinogenic drug use.

* - because only ugly Americans would dare call it a game...

Übermilf said...

My heart goes out to Manchester United. Isn't there some way to convince our government that we want our tax dollars to sponsor a team in a foreign country that plays a sport only a handful of us care about?

It's the right thing to do, really.

Liberality said...

Again with the sports! Gee wiz dude, I know nothing about sports and I don't want to be enlightened. OTOH, I did work with a guy once whose name was Enis. Poor guy, the jokes he had to put up with. His parents must have hated him or something.

Mary Ellen said...

The only good thing about watching these matches is the dramatics that occur when a player barely brushes by an opponent and said opponent drops to the ground and holding some part of his body as he supposedly writhes in pain. Suddenly, a team doctor and half the team gather round this actor and fains horror as they drag him off the field to the side lines. It is at that point that the team doctor hovers over him, speaking softly, rubbing his sore body part, and then....A MIRACLE! The player pops up off the ground as if he was just hit in the forehead by Benny Hinn, as he brings the Holy Spirit upon him so he can resume play.

All very dramatic, and campy.

I'm all for kid soccer teams, it's healthy exercise. But when they grow up, they should join a REAL football team, 'murikan style, where they play with broken bones and dislocated shoulders. ;-)

Mary Ellen said...

Damn...should proof-read before I hit publish. That was supposed to be "feigns" not "fains", damned Catholic schooling!

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, once I called the pitch a field and some hulking limey bastard turned me into bangers and mash.

übermilf, bailouts for everyone! What about you, Bundesliga?

liberality, sports, sports, sports. I haven't written about sports since this morning. I think tomorrow's post will be about sports. And just wait until next year, World Cup live blogging!

Enis? You've got to be joking.

nunly, Benny's power lies in that wacky do of his.

Oh, you mean that sport where you look at a receiver funny and they call you for pass interference? At least you didn't choose baseball, a sport where Cecil Fielder and John Kruk were actually paid. ;-)

That said, I'm all for yellow and red carding divers. Just fucking play the game.

Dean Wormer said...

What sport is that? I don't recognize it.

Are there gasoline-powered vehicles involved?

sunshine said...

When Italy won the World cup back in 06 we IMMEDIATLY grabbed out Italian flags, jumped into the "Family Mobile" and drove around town, honking our horn, shouting out the window!!!
For awhile we were the lead van in what ended up being a small parade around our small town. Every Italian family was out making fools of themselves just like us!
Good times, good times...
Aren't you happy you have a really cool friend like me???? :)

Moxie said...

There are humans such as these who play ball in my park. They are mean, selfish humans who do NOT allow me to participate in their fetching game!

They also choose to propel the ball with their feet, instead of using their hands as the other humans do.

Even so, I still want to play. Why won't they let me play?

S.W. anderson said...

Soccer? The team sport less engaging, even, than basketball, IMO? You can't be serious.

May Al Bundy's ghost come around to straighten you out before this goes any farther.

Randal Graves said...

dean, no, but the dude in yellow just got leveled by buckshot.

sunshine, thus proving that I-talians are nuts. I'd be happier if you volunteered to pay my bills. ;-)

moxie, don't worry, us humans will kill each other off sooner rather than later.

SWA, spoken like a true Murkan who's never played soccer. Remember, our so-called "American pastime" is nothing but a collection of individual selfish acts. Vive le football! (of course, Yankee football is still the king of all sportage)

Anonymous said...

ahem....there is but one sport on the docket---The FREAKIN REDWINGS are in the Finals again! Ha! So there, wimpy soccer dude!

sunshine said...

Oh no.... tell me you did~int do the "Eye-talian" thing.....
You probably call Iraq "Eye-raq" too.
*sigh*.... I need to go lie down on my fainting couch for a bit. You Bastard you...... ;)

Beach Bum said...

Soccer is boring but the riots they have in the stadium and field are fascinating.

MRMacrum said...

Well now. If you ever get commenter's block like me, then we are all in trouble. Writer's Block is just your brain insinuating it needs a break. Shit happens.

Lisa said...

Has anyone screamed "nice shorts!!!!" yet?

susan said...

Are all the English fans still banned from games in Europe? It was a really sick (in a good way) experience hearing the Tottenam Hotspurs screaming 'Up Your Arsenals!'

S.W. anderson said...

Au contraire, Randal. FYI I had to play soccer a few times in high school. It comes closer to being fun to play than to watch, IMO, but that's not saying a lot. I know much of the rest of the world is ga-ga over the game; to each his/her own.

Agi said...

Poor wittle pouty Cristiano Ronaldo and his AIG/US taxpayer money. Boo hoo!


You've been tagged!

Randal Graves said...

afd, I like hockey! Man, you provincial suckers need to broaden your horizons!

sunshine, eye-rack, ay-rab, crack-er, I'm a Murkan, it's a law that we talk like this. I'm sorry, but I'm a patriot! Tell Freud I say hey. ;-)

BB, I like to stew a bit in the rage and depression after a loss, and I may have thoughts of setting cars on fire, but those hooligans are goddamn nuts.

mrmacrum, I've gotten commenters block before, usually when people are posting serious crap. Stop being serious, you bastards!

lisa, no, but I keep on wearing 'em.

susan, I would imagine not - can't let all those precious pounds be spent in jolly ole - but that's a good question. And that's funny!

SWA, the rioting hooligan thing I don't get, but it's funny that for all of the wingnuts taunts about effeminate Old Europe, they fuck shit up after sporting events much more than we do.

agi, at least they weren't sponsored by Halliburton. No, Cheney, I didn't say anything.

Tom Harper said...

"fucking wrinkly and decrepit with a side of walker and cataracts" -- LOL.

I bet Tom Waits couldn't even come up with a line like that.

La Belette Rouge said...

Whiny wankers? Now I know why you get the couch with such great frequency.;-) I might describe us as "Patient, long-suffering and ever hopeful that your ESPN will go off so you will write poetry or something else that doesn't involve sweaty men with balls." Yep, I set that one up so you can hit out of the park. Am I still a whiny wanker?;-)

Randal Graves said...

tom, but he, unlike me, could sing the hell out of it.

LBR, I'm trying to write, and it isn't working. Probably because I'm watching too much sweaty men with balls. I think I just struck out. ;-)

Dr. Zaius said...

Zombie Jesus wants to eat brain, but only when you don't talk about sports!

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