Saturday, May 23, 2009

Hitler's Brain-In-A-Jar Ate My Zombie Circulatory System!

Jawohl mein comrades, as you'll see -- if you're stupid enough to read through to the end, yeah I called you stupid but relax beacuse I'm stupid for writing this is a match made in a one-star hotel bar with the you're stupid for reading this so we're all stupid let's have a drink, no it's not on me I'm cheap like floozy -- the title is unquestionably the finest part of this post (except for the miraculous finish) which is admittedly not saying much because I've mastered the art of bar lowering to new heights (speaking of heights, how about that miraculous finish?) which is nearly an antithèse worthy of the strung out drunk in the corner, I did say let's have a drink, this rambling statement also proving that I'd be either a bad retail minion or industrial capitalist or both.

"But you'd make one hell of a zombie."


Huh. Um. Sure.

To demonstrate how out of touch I am with flesh world, upon having the late Dr. Marvin Monroe's bit about sexaholism pop into my brain in between the unyielding cavalcade, nay, flood, of filthy perversion during this morning's Magic Bus trip, I figured why not fire up The Google and and type that in.

Apparently, it's a real disorder, at least among the filthy pervert crowd.

Thankfully, sexlexia is not. Or sadly, because there are two Xs and since they're spaced apart, nay, spread, unlike in sexx or xxx, there's a whiff of the sultry yet naughty as opposed to overt, body thumping porn fucking.

Forgive me, Cheesus.

Jesus as Cheeto? Jonah Goldberg just had an orgasm, you betcha.

Personally, I think he -- sorry, He. I've had my fill of smiting by lightning bolt. Static cling sure does mute the sexlexia -- looks like these guys:

The Ghostest, nay, Hostest with the Mostest. The RCC should hire me.

Since we're already on the subject of the implausible, both natural and phantasmal, did the spectre of the secretly dead 1980 Browns possess the collective soul of the 2009 Cavs?

Stop with the miraculous finishes, gents.

Ow, my ticker!


FranIAm said...

Having nothing to do with anything, in a manner of speaking, I am at a wedding in NC and two of the guests are professors at a certain Ohio academic institution.

They say they never heard of Randal Graves, but then again, they are not really the clerks type in any event.

Just sayin'...

TF said...

I'd make a sexlexic zombie.
Or, if you prefer, I'd make a zombie sexlexic.

Mauigirl said...

Another wonderful ramble from Randal. Love the Jesus Cheeto and the sexlexia.

Utah Savage said...

You perv perverted bastard! I thought we'd get through this delightful trip through your overheated bus tripped out brain we'd escape the god damned sports post, but nooooo! You suckered us again. Have you now shame?

Randal Graves said...

fran, snoochie boochies little noochies, the power of Ohio is everywhere! Hope the reception food is good.

TF, now that would be wondrous. I'm guessing the former would be a bit more rotted out than the latter.

mauigirl, I've never had any of my foodstuffs look like anyone famous which is disappointing because I'd love to sucker some ebay yokel into buying it.

utah, short answer: no.

long answer: nope.


sunshine said...

I'm stealing your Cheesus picture. (turn around please while I take it... it makes me nervous when you watch!)
I bet even God thinks that picture is funny..
Did you ever see the one with Jesus hanging on the cross with the other two guys? Someone wrote in Jesus saying.."brb" and one of the guys hanging with him goes.."lol". Hahaha.... ha.. haa.. okay well,I guess you have to see it to appreciate how funny it REALLY is.
K. I'm tired. I'm leaving... with my picture... turn around... Thanks!

Chef Cthulhu said...

Dude...ever hear the song "They Saved Hitler's Brain" by Unnatural Axe?

Fuck man, Castlevania...I missed out on so much sleep playing that game...

Anonymous said...

Hey RG... I'll try to keep my comment germaine to the post. The King's shot was a very ... um.... Jordan-esque moment. I'm sure it was Cheesus's will that it happened.

susan said...

I loved the part about the 'host-ess with the mostest' and sexalia is a worthy addition to the public lexicon.

Mary Ellen said...

I'll have to be more careful while digging into the next bag of Cheeto's. Yikes!

Übermilf said...

Clerks II was on TV this weekend.


Beach Bum said...

The Cheesus is just another example of how close we are to the end of days. I really got worried after the grill cheese sandwich Jesus was found here in South Carolina.

S.W. anderson said...

You've given me whiplash of the mind again, RG. Let me associate myself with what Utah Savage said about the sneaky sports windup.

And here, I was expecting something lewd and freaky involving, say, a band of "little people" and a couple of sexually frustrated motel maids anxious for a way to liven up their long, dull commute. Perhaps with some novel uses for Hormel Little Sizzlers thrown in. Plus, you could've been really creative by linking (ahem) the sausages with the midgets — metaphorically, of course.

Think about it!

Mary Ellen said...

Hey, the long weekend is over, get to work on this blog, slacker. :-D

steve said...

this reads fast like listening to a punk song. really nice and tight chaotic flow to it.

Dean Wormer said...

I can't tell if I'm hungover from all the wine I drank yesterday or from reading your post.

We're having a zombie fest in Portland this weekend. You're invited, randal. The zombie ball is going to be especially jamming.

Liberality said...

Randal, you dirty, perverted library clerk you!

Naw, just kidding :~)

So did your guys win? See, I just don't follow that sports news too much. You are the only one who has managed to slip it in on me :D

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, but I like to watch! And hey, I find all religious humor comical, except for jokes about Confucius. They leave me so confuciused.

chef, I have not, and man, what a fucker of game that was until one discovered the joy that was triple-shot boomerang.

spartacus, hell man, comment on whatever you want. Like the fucking Cavs fucking up every fucking third quarter so fucking far.

susan, I was hoping someone would dig that. ;-)

nunly, the closest I've ever come to anything was a Dorito that possibly looked like some Greek philosopher with a giant beard.

übermilf, the dub couldn't have been as bad as when ABC showed Mallrats. The voices didn't even come close to matching.

BB, the power of Velveeta compels you!

SWA, I have thought about it, and think that you might be more disturbed than I!

nunly, you know I'm off on Mondays, so my holiday is Tuesday!

steve, thanks, but I hope it didn't make too much sense.

dean, you know, I'm getting the sneaky suspicion that Portland is a bit cooler than Cleveland.

liberality, I don't want to talk about the Cavs. Except that I did. Damn you sports! They need a pill for this crap.

Dr. Zaius said...

I think that I have chocolate cakeaholism.