Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hand of Doom

Semester after semester of the final nail hammered into le cercueil français being the big ole Dissertation of Workmanlike Bullshittery, I wasn't prepared for writing for nearly two straight hours for the first time in ages. No, writing offline for creative purposes doesn't count. Academia is a less rewarding mistress.

Kind of like a wife.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week or until my sometimes-better-half assassinates me, whichever comes first, the chicken egg smushed by the stiletto.

Anyway, the hand certainly cramps up faster when proseifying instead of masturbating, let me tell you. Hairy palms I can live with, but this, this....noooooo! NOOOOOOO!

Hey, if you get killed, don't say I didn't warn you.


La Belette Rouge said...

If your wife still wears stilettos I would say you have very little to worry about.

Thanks, you have given me my new favorite word, "proseifying". I like it better even than "therapasizing", which I like a lot.

Dean Wormer said...

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week or until my sometimes-better-half assassinates me, whichever comes first, the chicken egg smushed by the stiletto.The Japanese would pay big money for video of that stiletto/ egg thing. It's a little known porn market over there.

Christopher said...
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Christopher said...

"Kind of like a wife."

I'll have to take your word for it, Randal.

So many things about how st8 men view women that I don't understand and yet I find fascinating. I'm just a curious kinda' guy.

Like stilettos, the preference for huge, plastic implants, and what the hell is up with st8 men who fantasize about being crushed under giant Amazon women?

But I'm a libertarian at heart. As long as its between consenting adults and no one hurts a child or an animal, I say go for it.

Übermilf said...

She'll more likely poison you or inject an air bubble into your bloodstream while you sleep, just so you won't enjoy that last bit of erotic enjoyment that being crushed by a stilleto might bring you.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, usually only when role playing. And I think my word rolls off the tongue better than your word. Poetry's the name of the game.

dean, that's it, I'm going to start marketing Stiletto/Egg Combo Pack vending machines in Tokyo.

christopher, despite being a dude of a hetero nature, I can only speak for me on these subjects:

stilettos: see above. Plus they're good stock imagery for a blog post.

implants: a hell no of silicone proportions. Egads. And a woman on top is a lovely thing, whether sporting stilettos or not, but I've never fantasized about being crushed by a giant Amazon woman. Is that common? Do women fantasize about being crushed by the Colossus of Rhodes? That sounds like a Japanese thing.

übermilf, those are far too nice. I expect her to nail gun me to a chair while she dances around a fire fueled by my books as she sledgehammers all of my CDs in a fine dust.

La Belette Rouge said...

But my word sounds like on part therapy and one part Jazzercising. Yours just sounds like prose making, not that that is a bad thing.;-)

Dusty said...


She lets you live Randal..for a reason. Far be it for moi or you to try to figure out what exactly IS that reason. ;)

Christopher said...
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Christopher said...


I'm endlessly fascinated by human behavior. It's the best show in town.

Here's the Amazon thing. It's a fetish and they even have a name for it:

Macrophilia: refers to a sexual fantasy involving domination by giants, primarily giant women. Variants include metamorphic fantasies; the shrinking of men/women so that average-sized people appear relatively huge, or more commonly, ordinary humans growing to giant size. Macrophile's often most commonly achieve arousal from the crushing of small people beneath feet.

Gee, and I thought the 'Land of the Giants' was just a cheesy sci-fi TV show from the 60's????

Stew said...

J'en ai rien à branlé, moi.

Chef Cthulhu said...

I think you should worry more about blindness than hairy palms...

Randal Graves said...

LBR, let's be post-modernist and eliminate the boundaries between genres by proseifying while engaging in Jazzercize therapy!

dusty, I figure the three or four laughs I draw out of her per year are the only thing keeping me alive. ;-)

christopher, I'm not surprised that any fetish exists, but now I know that particular one's name. So, if Phidias fell in love with one of his creations and secretly wished it to fall on him, he would be a macrophiliastic pygmalionist?

I hope there isn't a fetish associated with Land of the Lost. ;-)

stew, je souhaite que j'aie compris le français.

chef, if I get any more blind I'm going to need bifocals.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Is that egg fetish like the thing Drudge allegedly enjoys?

You are one sick bastard,



Liberality said...

Academia is a less rewarding mistress.
amen you honkey you

Utah Savage said...

If your wife role plays with you in her old stilleto heels, and you are still alive, you are one very lucky fellow.

susan said...

I work in an interventional radiology department and one morning a couple of years ago the video monitors in one of our procedure rooms had pictures of a guy with 12 nails gunned into his head. The docs were removing them VERY carefully while joking about an angry wife.

Watch your back.

Tom Harper said...

"The Crawling Hand." Uh oh, there was also "The Crawling Eye" sometime back in the '50s. Somebody's missing some body parts.

Beach Bum said...

Dusty said: She lets you live Randal..for a reason. Far be it for moi or you to try to figure out what exactly IS that reason. ;)

Sometimes, from my own observations about wives in general, that is a punishment in itself.

S.W. anderson said...

Writing for two hours. Your hand cramps. Sexual imagery involving a stilletto and egg, and reference to masturbating.


Are you using a quill pen again? One you've used for erotic purposes at other times?

If not, I suggest you grab a quill pen, your missus, and see what you can come up with. Then, describe what happened and how the two of you feel about it in 800 words or less. (If it's good, maybe we can get you on Oprah to talk about it. If it's bad, perhaps a visit with Dr. Phil.)

Oh, and be sure to use a keyboard in completing this assignment. Much easier on the hands.

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, I'm a sick bastard? I'm not the one who put up a hillbilly KLo shot!

liberality, shoulda been a corporate huckster.

utah, or one big liar. You should know by now that 37.2% of this blog is completely fabricated.

But CHUDs are real.

susan, ouch really doesn't cover that entertaining story.

tom, know what would've been truly scary? The Crawling Nose.

BB, I ain't sayin' a word. ;-)

SWA, I think you crazy bastards read far more into my posts than I do. Damn heathens. Gotta go. Have an appointment with Dr. Phil.

Anonymous said...

You really are a masochist. After beating her up the way you do, she has to be hurting from the bruising her knuckles after striking your head. She may need some brass implants soon.

Randal Graves said...

Hey man, don't be giving her any ideas.

Lisa said...

Did I hear you say you need a Blue Book with which to protect yourself?

Dr. Zaius said...

Disembodied brains are WAY cooler than disembodied hands.