Saturday, December 12, 2009

Always practice safe flashing

Do you really want to get a sexually-transmitted text? Those ointments ain't cheap and they ain't covered by your insurance.

As the rumble receded westward, a fine layer of dust settled on the tall stack of vintage condom boxes. Sally squinted. Whomever, or whatever, had laid these eggs was now a squiggle on the horizon. Sally wiggled. Then giggled.

"Aw shucks, how're we gonna finagle some loot outta this," opined Opie.

"Who's going to buy these? Bull of Heaven condoms are even more ancient than Trojans. If only Old Man Gilgamesh was still around."

"Now, Sally, ya'll know he had that baby. Lon n' he moved years ago."

"That's what I mea --"

"Hee hee, ya'll 'member th'old sayin', whatcha enkidu, winky nudgy."

"Is that your not-so-suave smoothie?"

"Eys willin' if you's willin'."

Sally rolled her eyes, speaking in controversial French. Opie rolled one, his dumbfounded tongue rolling, unable to keep up. So he puffed and puffed then huffed and huffed, because he was tired of being three steps behind.

"Always thinking with your willin'."

"Ya'll jus' call me a villain?" Show's ya ma --"

"If you make that stupid lightsaber joke again, the whole town will be crying 'bye, son.'"


Übermilf said...

Gilgamesh reminds me of how may parents gave me "The Royal Game of Sumer" when I was a kid, and makes me wonder how they thought this wouldn't alienate me from my peers.

Other games found at my house while growing up: Class Struggle and Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective.

Übermilf said...

I think I might've mentioned all this before. But if you didn't keep mentioning Gilgamesh, I wouldn't keep reliving my childhood weirdness.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

These touching moments from your childhood always brings a tear to my eye. But as Jimmy Durante used to say, Rink-a-Dink, Enkidu, Gilgamesh loves you...



Holte Ender said...

As the rumble receded westward, a fine layer of dust settled on the tall stack of vintage condom boxes. Johnny was hungry, his stomach always behaved that way inbetween meals, but that one shook the rafters. The empty vintage condom boxes were his pride and joy and he smiled as he cleaned the dust off them and he also checked out his Lou Gehrig and Babe Zaharias Wheaties boxes, also empty. Wheaties and condoms should never be allowed to be vintage, only the boxes.

sunshine said...

Is it just me or .. are those the biggest condom packages EVER??
Like seriously ... they are the size of the bed!!!


Randal Graves said...

übermilf, holy shit, I remember Ur, the Royal Game of Sumer!

Class Struggle? Now that's something I'd buy if only the capitalist swine hadn't taken all of my money.

Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh!

Did he appear?

tengrain, good night, Mrs. Tiamat, wherever you are.

holte, today-ay-ay, I consider myself-elf-elf, the luckiest blogger-er-er on the face of the earth-th-th.

sunshine, hey, when you're ready for some serious fucking, you need colossal prophylactics.

Christopher said...


sexting: the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photos electronically, primarily between cell phones.

Well, I don't think you can catch an STD from sexting.

But, you could blow your monthly minutes allotment and shoot through a lot of batteries.

I guess I'm old school. I prefer the real thing -- adult-on-adult action, in a bedroom, on clean sheets, with my husband.

Lisa said...

I'm using Controversial French, because what I've been speaking lately can't be Real French.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Bull of Heaven condoms. HA!

It's all about the little details, as you once again prove. Nice.

S.W. Anderson said...

Hmm, a melange of The Simpsons and "Tobacco Road"?

"Mayberry, WTF"?

Or, Randal, maybe you've become one of those bloggers being paid to plug certain products. Say, Trojans or Bull of Heaven condoms. Hmmm.

sunshine said...

Serious fucking?
If my guys dick was the size of our bed I'd be running for the hills.
Yeah. I've had 4 kids but still... ouch! :D
Give me average any day of the week thank you very much. (or slightly above.. ;p )


Randal Graves said...

christopher, of course, there's always the chance of catching a CTD.

lisa, I tell myself that Real French doesn't exist, then I feel better.

FB, sounds even Manly Men Of Manlinessier than Trojan.

SWA, in this economy, one must be willing to try new revenue streams.

sunshine, tune in next week for another episode of Naughty Canadian Biologist.

Demeur said...

Graves you swine! Now my fingers are starting to itch. You have some of that ointment or maybe some finger condoms so I don't spread this around?

Tom Harper said...

Controversial French? I couldn't find that one on Google Translate.

susan said...

Was he blowing them up into giant balloon form for the purpose of entertaining her? They do both look a bit stiff.

Beach Bum said...

Do they make them that huge with ribbing?

sunshine said...

Well. Since you're off for the next couple of days .. I guess you will have to wait until next weeks edition!
*sticking my tongue out and leaving*


MRMacrum said...

Readin that was like playing sink the battle ship with the cigaret butt in the toilet.

Dr. Zaius said...

Ba! "Winky nudgy" indeed.

Mary Ellen said...

Today I get to watch the Bears lose to Green Bay because they suck even worse than the sucky Packers.

I've found myself watching the Blackhawks play lately, that's how desperate I am to see a winning team for a change.

Übermilf said...

You should've written something by now.

I'm going to Target. I expect to see something by the time I get back. I don't expect it to be any good, necessarily. This is YOUR blog we're talking about, after all.

Randal Graves said...


Cormac Brown said...

He's a hot Gilga-mess?

David Barber said...

Randal, you've got me there...

Is tha photo the scene out of Naked Gun, or is it you?? ;-)

All the best, David.