Thursday, December 10, 2009

Third cousin, twice removed of Splotchy's Viral Theatre













Yes, it's that time again when The Great and Powerful Tyrant of All Internetual Fictionry splits this island earth with a thunderbolt from on high and bellows, BEHOLD MORTAL VERMIN! THOU SHALT TREMBLE BEFORE MY DIVINE INSPIRATION, AND THOU SHALT WRITETH A CHRONICLE CHRONICLING THESE CHRONICLES! And it was good, I guess. Amen.

The mall was crowded. There were happy people, angry people, people in a hurry, even a few people sleeping on benches. To the security guard, they were a blur of coats, hats and scarves. He was just beginning his second eight hour shift. He yawned, leaning against a pillar in the food court, the aftertaste of terrible mall cookies lingering on his tongue. His eyes abruptly snapped open with the loud sound of glass shattering behind him. (Splotchy)

"BEHOLD MORTAL VERMIN! THOU SHALT TREMBLE BEFORE MY DIVINE ELECTRON STRIP-O-GRAM, AND THOU SHALT STEPPETH UPON THESE SHARDS AS A TEST OF THY FAITH!"

"'twas th'ight 'fore sugarplum, oh shish, Meta Beass...," drooled a drunken Santa as he stumbled his way through an freshly expanding puddle of stale urine.

"Dude, it's the fuckin' Meta Beast," interjected the hipster masquerading as a laptop in the shadow of the Orange Julius, rebelliously not drinking an Orange Julius.

"Meta Beast? Oh, Lord Jesus, save us, Lord Jesus! Jesus," bawled the frumpy, bespectacled frau that ran the Fear God, Filthy Heathen! Christian bookstore.

The sweaty fingers of the exhausted security guard fumbled their way around the holster and the screaming crowd streaming in the opposite direction. He had never fired his gun before.

"YOU HAVE NEVER FIRED YOUR GUN BEFORE BUT KNOW THAT IT SHALT NOT HARMETH ME! BUT ALL THOSE CORN DOGS WILL!"

He pointed his crooked finger at the jungfrau.

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO SMITE MYSELF FOR HAWKING JOHN TESH! AND SURFING FOR PORN!"

Cowering, she hid behind a column as the dread Meta Beast turned his iron alloy gaze upon the once-typing hipster.

"NO ONE SHALT EVER READ THINE SCREENPLAY BUT THEY SHALT LAUGH AT IT AND I SHALT MOVE BACK IN WITH MOM AND DAD!"

Feigning self-conscious cool, the hipster soon crumpled as the wretched Meta Beast flashed his grinning tooth towards a two-sheets-to-the-wind St. Nick.

"AND YOU, MISRULING LORD, YOU SHALT DIE IN A DITCH BECAUSE, UNLIKE DAN AYKROYD, I SHALT BE UNABLE TO PULL THE FOOD OUT OF MY BEARD!"

The security guard, the hipster and the frau all huddled together, trembling before such a fearsome display of meta but obviously far away from the smelly, passed out Santa, awaiting some kind of fate. (Randal Graves)

Beach, sunshine, America's Foremost Performance Artist®, Freida Bee, David Barber, get cracking.

23 comments:

sunshine said...

You're fucking kidding me ... right?
You want ME!!!! to continue on with a written story... ???? that people might actually read????
Oh. And thanks for lumping me in with people that are actually WRITERS!!!
Sigh (LONG DRAWN OUT SIGH) ...........................
I'll see what I can do.

((Hugs))
Laura
P.S. I got so flustered when I read my name at the bottom I forget what you wrote in your continuation of the story!

sunshine said...

Oh yeah. And Glen Beck of course.

SIGH!!!!!!!

MRMacrum said...

Okay, okay. I blame it on Splotchy. He hogged all the bloggers with his shotgun approach. I also tagged David and Beach. Looks like they will have to play now.

Meta beast huh? I had him as the Tron Android, but couldn't seem to get past the Ghost of Kreesmas Dis-appointed.

But all things being equal, had I been forced to follow your story, I would have certainly ended up in the ditch alongside St. Nick.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, no backing out either or I'll hunt you down and steal all of your treats that you tease us with on your blog. No, I'll just send Beck to your house.

mrmacrum, I certainly blame Splotchy. He tagged 99% of you folks that I know actually dabble in the writerly arts.

I originally had the antagonist being the killer machine from Robotron, but then I thought, everyone loves meta!

Dr. Zaius said...

If you are going to go to Orange Julius, I'll have two of their delicious corndogs and a side of cole slaw, please.

Holte Ender said...

Sounds a lot more interesting than the Mall I went to last week.

Demeur said...

Graves you swine! I'm too old and out of touch to know anything except Chia pets and Clappers or the latest cheap Chinese motorized pet that you can take home today for just $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

Übermilf said...

Can you invoke the Meta Beast somehow? Like how the Kool Aid guy would come crashing through the wall whenever someone shouted "Hey, Kool Aid?" I know some people who need his brand of no-holds-barred honesty.

Tom Harper said...

I'm with Holte. I've gotta check out that mall.

Randal Graves said...

dr.zaius, I can't recall (sorry, Gonzo) but does OG (the gangsta food court!) actually peddle corn dogs, one of natures finest foods?

holte, clipping toenails is usually more interesting than the mall. C'mon monsters, where are you.

übermilf, I'm going to find out if such a summoning ritual exists. This could be a boon for mankind.

tom, the Hot Topic salesfuckers would drown in a sea of black emo t-shirts.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, clap on, clap off, the Rhoomba! Ch-ch-ch-ch-chia! Back in high school, the drafting teacher looked like a cadaver, so we always pictured his skull as Chia Corpse.

David Barber said...

Sorry Randal, MRM got me so I've posted one up that coincides with erm......haven't got a clue whose it will coincide with.
It may upset some fans of super heroes fans though.
All the best, David.

susan said...

I was thinking about going to one but now I remember why I avoid malls. Thanks :-)

sunshine said...

OMG... does this all mean that if I don't continue this story it will die with me????
Did someone else tag Freida? Am I the ONLY ONE that wasn't already tagged???

I'm going to go to bed and think about all of this.

((Hugs))
Laura

S.W. Anderson said...

Overall, there's a certain lack of the old Christmas spirit to this story fragment, Randal. There's neither a hero nor an antihero. It needs a nice daddy type and a Tiny Tin type (not to be confused with the old photographic medium, BTW).

Or failing that, a photo of a mind-blowing babe in abbreviated Santa's helper togs would help a lot.

Beach Bum said...

My trip to the coast got canceled this weekend, damn my wife and her taking the credit card, so I will tackle both your tag and Crum's. Alway wanted to write a tsory dealing with parallel universes, I just hope I remember not to set one in an anti-matter universe.

sunshine said...

Phew! Okay. Beach is going to do it.
I was up all night thinking and mine kind of turned into a romance/porno.
Perfectly unacceptable for the holiday season.
The young "hipster" was turned into a Meta Beast fighting (somewhat middle aged) Mom. Things turned a little passionate between them as the two fought for control of the universe.
Bodies became entwined etc.....

((Hugs))
Laura

Randal Graves said...

david, I saw that after I tagged you. As long as some strain of the virus lives to destroy us all, and superheros, that's the real meaning of Christmas.

susan, see, unbridled consumerism is deadlier than you had assumed!

sunshine, don't churn too many brain cells. After all, it's only the internets.

SWA, are you kidding? This is the very essence of the Christmas spirit. But you're certainly correct about the scantily-clad Santa babe. A terrible oversight on my part. I beg forgiveness.

BB, two tags, parallel universes? Will there be scantily-clad babes?

sunshine, you were going to do something bordering on porno and you decided against it? There's already a distinct lack of porno on the internets as is!

I'm very disappointed. Sniff.

Freida Bee, MD said...

It's that time of the year.

(You have officially set the precedent for double tagging. Just sayin'.)

Randal Graves said...

Is that your not-that-subtle way of warning me that I shall soon be tagged?

Dr. Zaius said...

As I recall, Orange Julius does/did in fact serve corn dogs. ;o)

Splotchy said...

Orange Julius! This is the heart and soul of the story, I'm sure of it!

Thanks a lot for being infected, man.

Cormac Brown said...

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO SMITE MYSELF FOR HAWKING JOHN TESH! AND SURFING FOR PORN!"

Damn it, why couldn't you have saved that for this week's FFF???