Sunday, December 6, 2009

A fistful of flashers

They say some have a puncher's chance. Some do.

She was always threatening to punch someone in the face, but this time she meant it. Only one problem: she was stuck.

Gleaming sparks of light reflecting off of firework canines and molars, scattering shards of jaw still partially coated in torn, gummy flesh, all highlighted by eerily fluorescent flashes of red spattering on her cocktail dress, these bits and sticky pieces, these memories quickly faded

-- was she dreaming?

-- freak adrenaline?

-- PCP slipped in her drink?

--when she realized that her fist was actually lodged beyond the obliterated mandible of her enemy, cut knuckles resting on the back of the cranial cavity. Over and over she tried to budge, the two-carat diamond of her engagement ring rubbing against the interior of the skull, screeching like a crow.

Oh well, at least the bitch was dead. Disposal of the body would be a snap, then it was the simple matter of conjuring up a little white alibi for the authorities, she was a maestro at that, then nothing ahead but smooth sailing directly to the Caymans. As soon as she managed to pull her fist out of the still-quivering head.


Übermilf said...

This was really unpleasant.

Mary Ellen said...

Wow, I wasn't expecting that on a Sunday morning...Hell hath no fury, and all that, eh?

sunshine said...

Ugggh. I think I feel my grilled cheese sandwich coming back up.

Let me see..
Something positive Laura.. something positive.....

At least she has a nice engagement ring. :)
It was very well written. :D
Good job Randal.


Christopher said...

Tiger's up to six bimbo eruptions.

Now, what's amazing to me is, Elin Woods, isn't a dishrag by any measure. Why would he cheat?

I would think most het men would give their left testicle for a wife who looks like Elin. But, it's never enough for them.

Let's look at Billy Joel.

Joel, who looks like a hairball the cat puked up, was married to supermodel stunner, Christie Brinkley, and what did this putz do? He cheated on her with a younger woman. Brinkley promptly (and rightly) served Billy with divorce papers.

I don't blame Elin for whooping Tiger's ass. If I found out Jim had cheated on me I would kick his ass across three time zones, then hire a lawyer.

Holte Ender said...

She was always threatening to punch someone in the face, but this time she meant it. She walked straight into Jim's Gym and signed up for a 3 month intensive course in the ancient art of boxing, Marquis of Queensberry style. In the first month she was taught the power of the upper-cut, devastation of the hook and the effectiveness of the jab, she did bag work, skipping and road work. After 3 months she rippled with menace. Now all she has to do is find the bastard who cut in line at Starbucks.

sunshine said...

Hmmm... I've been wondering all afternoon what the heck happened to cause all of this.
I'm betting it was pms.
Been there. Done that. :P


Tom Harper said...

You Go Elin.

I think what Christopher is talking about happens a lot. Take Jane Fonda and Tom Hayden. From what I understand they got divorced because he was cheating on her. WTF?

Demeur said...

Graves you swine! What no cigars or bikini clad round keepers?

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You just gave away Cleveland's own Ray's Sausages secret recipe with 11 Herbs and spices.



MRMacrum said...

Talk about some punch. Well, that's what happens when Randal gets his mandibles wrapped around a fist clenching a diamond ring.

Suzi Riot said...

Hmmm.... I like it.

S.W. Anderson said...

I'm guessing you've been mightily impressed by the old admonition to write about people and things you know, Randal. So, I'm thinking you had one hell of an ornery girlfriend at some point. Eww.

Beach Bum said...

Everyone keeps picking on Tiger. Come on now, it ain't easy being worshipped by all those country club golf pros who are slacker white guys making a living teaching suburban brats and middle-aged men playing Rush Limbaugh how to hit a little white ball into a hole hundreds of yards downrange.

They live vicariously through Tiger making ten of thousands times less knowing that unless they score a rich widow one day they will have to get a real job.

Tiger probably feels its his duty to live "la Vida loca" even though a small white woman beat the shit out him with one of the things he makes a living with and will now financially rip him a new one.

Tiger's father was Special Forces and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a high speed spinning sound coming from his grave.

Great story by the way Randal!

susan said...

Is this the complete definition of the phrase 'punch drunk'?

Christopher said...

Hey, I'm all for guys (and girls) spreading the love and their legs when they are single but as soon as you tie the knot or make a commitment then all bets are off.

Especially, when kids are involved.

Derek Jeter get this. He isn't married and dates a woman for a while, then moves on to the next one.

He's smart.

Cormac Brown said...


Vivid to say the least, and the Devil apparently is not only in the details.


"Now, what's amazing to me is, Elin Woods, isn't a dishrag by any measure. Why would he cheat?"

Because Tiger's role models were Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan. He spent more than a few hours, picking up some of their bad habits.

Because the other stage of marriage that men cheat on women the most besides the middle-life crisis, is when the woman is spending all her time with the children and has no time or attention for him. Compound that with him being on the road.

Because athletes have flinging themselves at them in every town. I imagine that while golf groupies won't number as high as baseball and basketball ones, that doesn't mean that they don't exist.

I'm not condoning, or condemning. You marry someone in the public eye, ya takes yer chances.

sunshine said...

Regarding Tiger Woods...

I believe Kanye West said it best in song...

"It's hard to stay faithful in a room full of ho's"

With the exception of Mistress #1 who is nice looking, these other chicks are nasty! What the hell Tiger??
I guess if someone is sucking your dick it really doesn't matter what they look like.

Sorry Randal. I know this is a "Family Blog". :D


Randal Graves said...

übermilf, hey, it was your sentence.

nunly, see? And she was probably a Catholic chick, too.

sunshine, I wanted the ring a nice size in order for it to effectively scratch.

christopher, the worst part about this is that people will still label golf a sport, when it's about as much as one as darts in a bar.

holte, yikes, the coffee at Starbucks is wretched. She was done a favor by that line-cutting jerk.

sunshine, I had PMS last week.

tom, hey now, I'm sure Hayden is in demand in the land of the blind or something.

demeur, I wanted to shock everyone by not including a scantily-clad chick.

tengrain, 'tis the season, and I'm in a charitable mood. Enjoy the human flesh, everyone!

mrmacrum, does that mean I'm a bitch? I'd like to think of myself as a jerk.

suzi, that's 'cause you're the violentest person around.

SWA, honestly, no. My wife's a crabby nut, but so am I.

BB, given that people will inexplicably watch golf forever, I'm sure he's in no danger of starving, regardless of his trophy wife/mistress status.

susan, and they call me punchy.

cormac, people like to get their respective freak on, been like that since day one. This was about as surprising as the discovery that ice cream is delicious. But, gotta fill up the news hour with something. Damn devils.

sunshine, yes, would you please watch your fucking mouth? We don't need any pornographic titillation here. Boobies boobies boobies!

PipeTobacco said...


What I appreciated the most was how you were able to convey raw violence so successfully in such a small space of writing. I think I was going for something similar (to emphasize the violence) but you did a far better job than I did.


Paul D. Brazill said...

Grabbed me by the throat, that did. Well done.

Dr. Zaius said...

I saw that movie! I think Hilary Swank was in it. ;o)

David Barber said...

Sorry I'm late. Nice piece with a nice bit of gore.
Best wishes, David.