Thursday, December 17, 2009

Flashy Van Flash

Our so-called Lord has has laid down the law. Magna Carta means nothing to you? I'm a loner, Cormac, a rebel. But I've gotta go look for my bike, so no time to compose anything of quality. Sorry.

Well, how did I get here? Can't blame it on that bastard, Byrne. Fucker's been ivory towering at that existentialist convention for days. Fucking geek. Benny the Mechanic, jerk's been in the joint ever since Vinny the Rat ratted him out as rats are wont to do when not toting disease from burg to rusted-out burg. I told him moving product between fed bioweapons labs wouldn't pay for his liposuction.

Look at this shit, not a goddamn soul around, like some fucking Hollywood ghost town set with the fake storefronts and plastic tumbleweeds and wires strewn everywhere and incompetent PAs tripping over 'em. Hell of a storm last night to scare everyone off, I reckon.

Still don't know where these chaps and this Colt came from. I don't own a gun and never will. And it ain't Halloween. My head isn't splitting in half so no, not hungover. Oh, I know what she'd say, what a shock, blah blah blah.

Go fuck yourself. Wherever you are.

Where the hell am I?


Ha, ha, ha.

Shucks, everyone knows Lee Van was the coolest one of 'em all.

"Sure about that, pilgrim?"

Fucking hell?

"You see in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig."

The first man turned to the second.

"You talking to me, pilgrim?"

What the fucking hell is going on?

No fucking way. Looks pretty spry for a man of nearly 80. I better duck outta sight or I'll get shot, really fucking shot.


Jesus fucking Christ!

"Where d'you think you're going, pilgrim?"

My boots, and my spurs, are glued to the spot. I know I'm not hungover. We covered that. Or drunk. And I know I ain't dreaming. This is far too fucking real.

"Are all ghosts stereotypes?"

He shot me the blackest glance. "The man told you to dig, pilgrim."

"He was talking to you, Marion." Big mistake.



The much-too-young Clint Eastwood just threw a shovel in the reddened dust kicked up by the much-too-dead John Wayne's bullet and my feet, bleeding wound and all, suddenly find that moving isn't much of a problem. Digging my own grave, I guess. Maybe. Again, what the fucking hell is going on?


I shudder before realizing that I'm not being shot at again, but that the blade has struck something metal.

Goddamn, getting shot really fucking hurts.

A few more shovelfuls and I've got it, whatever it is.

"Is this what you're lo --"


"I'll take that."

His gun pointed directly at my racing heart, Lee Van Cleef takes the box, confirms its contents, and walks off into the sunset.

Told you he was the coolest.

Cheapskate, too. Couldn't have spared one gold coin? Bastard.


MRMacrum said...

Just wanted to stop in to say I did not read your post. I never read anyone else's flash until I have finished mine. Why? Shit I don't know. Made sense when I thought it up. I'll be back with some snarky comment later.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

It is really bad form to not offer whatever you are on to your guests. Have you learned nothing from Dr. Thompson?



Mary Ellen said...

Looks like you got drunk and fell asleep while watching the Turner Classic Movie station...a little bit of lingo from every bad western and mob movie on that station.

I agree with should share that stuff you're on, it's the Christmas season, ya know...a time of sharing and caring and stuff. ;-)

okjimm said...

"Fucker's been .."
"Fucking geek"
"Look at this shit, not a goddamn soul around, like some fucking Hollywood"
"Go fuck yourself."
"Fucking hell?"
"What the fucking hell is going on?"
"No fucking way. .....get shot, really fucking shot."
"Jesus fucking Christ!"
" what the fucking hell is going on?"........

Nice post, Buckeroo..... but I gotzta report you to the new Federal Bureau Of Excessive Use of the Fuck Word in Blog Posts.

It's my new job. Not bad. Pays ok.

We just call it the Fucking Bureau, for short.

I hate big fucking names for stupid fucking government agencies that fuck with my fucking liberties.
...but it's a fucking job, right?

Übermilf said...

Is this a heartwarming Christmas tale?

sunshine said...

Were they assless chaps? Cause I might know something about those...

Great story Randal. You had me laughing.. :P (not an easy thing today let me tells ya!)


Cormac Brown said...

"Magna Carta means nothing to you?"

Quoth The Clint, "Sometimes a man has got to know his limits."

Quoth The Clint, again, "Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?"

See? I can go all tangentially tangent like a tertiary tangerine.

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, I pretend I'm the same way just in case there's a good idea worth stealing.

tengrain, why does everyone assume I'm hopped up on goofballs?

nunly, now I don't know, you gonna bust out the Wonder Woman costume?

okjimm, 'tis another name for Congress, no? Oh, how's the dental?

übermilf, only if the oven's on 450°.

sunshine, Diamond Dave, is that you? If I can make you laugh, she with the black and white existential angst, score one for Randal.

cormac, living reflection from a dream? I was her love she was my queen of hearts. Does anyone remember Juice Newton?

Demeur said...

We figure you're either on goofballs or writing this from your room at the psyche ward. You pick.

Mary Ellen said...

nunly, now I don't know, you gonna bust out the Wonder Woman costume?

Not after you yelled at me on my blog. Big bully.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, I have often equated the library with the psych ward.

nunly, not my fault you were channeling O'Reilly. Suck it up, or no presents for Greek Orthodox Xmas.

Tom Harper said...

Nice spaghetti western script. I was practically hearing the "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" soundtrack while I was reading it.

Demeur said...

I just knew it. You're pushing that fine line between insanity and brilliance.

Utah Savage said...

What Okjimm said with a couple more fucks in it, and then I'll borrow from Tengrain and add Graves, You swine, regards,
Utah Savage

Mary Ellen said...


Channeling O'Reilly? Fuck you. You'll never see WW now.

Beach Bum said...

The much-too-young Clint Eastwood...

I miss those days, since that fuckup called "Bridges of Madison County" Clint for me just hasn't been the same.

susan said...

Is this my beautiful house?
Is this my beautiful wife?
WTF? How did I get here?

I love that geek and I don't care what you say. I also have a deep admiration for the cold hard stare of Lee Marvin. Anybody who can wear a silver nose without laughing is aces in my book.

Anonymous said...


Randal Graves said...

tom, I'm kind of disappointed in myself for leaving Tuco out. Perhaps next time.

demeur, there is nothing even remotely brilliant here, unless crap can be so brilliant that it blinds before one reaches for the garbage can.

utah, a drive-by fuckery!

nunly, you're the one that got your hot pants all twisted. ;-)

BB, that was the golden age, mid-60s to mid-70s.

susan, aw, shit, I love Lee Marvin. He too is a member of the 'I will fuck your shit up' school.

Distributorcap said...

when does the video come out so it will make sense to me

Cormac Brown said...

"Does anyone remember Juice Newton?"

Oh, the ribald comments we'd make in high school about her name and that "Just Call Me Angel" song. Ah, to be a junior pervert again, instead of an old creepy one.

Dr. Zaius said...

"Are all ghosts stereotypes?"

Only on CNN.

I like the part about digging graves. Or is that "digging Graves?"

MRMacrum said...

Told you I'd be back once I finished my effort.

Like this one a lot Randal. Especially the existenalist digs in the beginning. Lee Van Cleef was and still is the baddest and coolest villain ever to grace the silver screen.

Yes. Very nice indeed.

PipeTobacco said...


I very much enjoy this one. My favorite phrase by far was the one using "plastic tumbleweeds". As Macrum said though, the backhanded look at existenialism and the other things we were NOT to do was terrific.


David Barber said...

Fuck, Randal. I fucking loved it. Motherfuck! Fuck, fuck... ;-)

Merry Fucking Christams.

(Swearing is good!)

Freida Bee, MD said...

Hey! I saw this Scooby Doo episode!

(Good job)

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