Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm a whore



Not in that way. I'd starve.

Anyway, real writers with blogs do this, so I figured why not a fake writer like myself? Saves coming up with anything. Didn't I say something similar yesterday? I think Nostradamus predicted my burnout, right after that quatrain about 9/11 being caused by the third Antichrist, Baron Saddam-Mahmoud von Hitlerbushobamastein. Here's some crap, 99 and 44/100 % of it crap, that I penned, typed and/or cut n' pasted in the last year, though at least one piece was from 2008, but it's necessary for literary symmetry.

Actual attempts at legitimate short fiction
Please, just take one. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Nous avons faim. Even monsters need love.

Being the Continuing Adventures of Leon Czolgosz, Irishman.
Part one. Whist is sexier than you think.
Part two. Vampires aren't real.
Part three. We said vampires aren't real.

The sexfully lusty noir yarn of Placeholder Place
Placeholder Place
Return to Placeholder Place
Return to Placeholder Place Returns
Return to Placeholder Place Returns Again

Friday night's alright for flashing
Number one. Wherein I whine about being hitched.
Number two. The blind leading us right into a zombie's waiting jaw.
Number three. I thought you said we'd have fun in the sack.
Number four. It's boring in the sticks.
Number five. Where I resorted to referencing Flash Gordon.
Number six. Love sucks.
Is this The Prisoner?
Number seven. What happens in Tijuana stays in Tijuana.
Number eight. Nevermore? Never.
Number nine. Apocalypse, nowish.
Number ten. Baby, it's cold outside. And inside.
I'm not a number, I'm a free man!
Number eleven. Reading is fundamental to straitjackets.
Number twelve. And they call me punchy.
Number thirteen. Flashing always makes me feel extra sexy.
Number fourteen. The Good, the Bad and the Poorly Written.

Half-assed playwright
The Blogman Cometh
The Tenth Circle, A Play in One-Half Act

Miscellaneous fuckery
Splotchy's Viral Theatre, part XIII or thereabouts. It's got Dick.
A Busmas Carol. Co-written with my good friend Charles Dickens.
Son of Sniglet starring in Splotchy's Viral Theatre. Mallcore.

Verily, I shall pretend to bee a poette & e'en know it
three for Valentine's Day
Aquarelle
Spatial relationship
Cathedral
Hemlock
10/6
I'm on to you
Skydiving arsonist sets own aeroplane on fire. Film at 11.

I feel so dirty.

26 comments:

Übermilf said...

Usually I like dirty men, but not you.

Tengrain, please commence with insults. I haven't been myself since I took up permanent residence in my pajamas.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

great minds. I was just thinking ... 'how wrong would it be to do some sort of compendium of prior posts?' seems to me my older work was far more entertaining than of late.

fuck all, NOW what am I going to do. Plagiarize you by plagiarizing myself? pffft.

sunshine said...

Well.. your post title got me over here fast. :)
I was hoping that your wife bought you a digital camera for Xmas and you had taken some beefcake pictures of yourself.
For all your self loathing.. you're a hottie and you know it.

((Hugs))
Laura

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Are these the charges being read against you while you are in the pokey? If I were you (and thank God I'm not), I'd plead guilty and throw myself on the mercy of the court.

(I've heard about Mercy, so hubba-hubba!)

Regards,

Tengrain

Holte Ender said...

Saw Cheap Trick in the late 80s in Kansas City, the guitarist with the cap a threw hand full of plectrums into the crowd at regular intervals, I was sitting 5 rows from the stage and ended up with a couple of dozen. Wore the last one out only last year. Lasted me over 20 years, not bad. Just thought I'd mention it.

Utah Savage said...

Wow, you are a serious writer. Now I feel titley challenged.

I finished the 20th version of my one novel yesterday. I'm now so exhausted I may not go out and shovel the 6 inches of snow that fell overnight.

So when are you going to start publishing in, say, the Paris Review some of this output?

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I know you enjoy men who don't take showers, but that's just not me. Sorry.

JNRR, if you plagiarize yourself via plagiarizing me via plagiarizing you, are you really plagiarizing?

sunshine, I would have, but the fake plastic muscle chest hasn't arrived in the mail yet.

tengrain, just practicing in case I get laid off and have to wear a Will Write For Food sign.

holte, always good to hear about the Trick. Those were the dreaded Diane Warren days, yikes. Glad that's in the past.

utah, you're working on a novel, these are bad blog posts. I think we know who the serious one is.

Surprisingly, I've convinced myself to enter the poetry center's annual contest here at the institute of higher learning. I anticipate a grand face plant.

TomCat said...

Randal, they are blog posts, but the evaluation of good or bad is not yours to make. That privilege belongs to your readers. I vote good, most of the time.

Mary Ellen said...

Crap. I was going to do an end of the year review of my favorite and least favorite posts...now you beat me to it, sort of.

But hey...it's ok to whore out your own stuff and besides it takes a lot of work to go back and organize it the way you did. I'm almost impressed.

Now I've got to go and read all the ones that have to do with sex and porn....which is most of them.

Liberality said...

Good luck with the poetry contest. And danggumit, you are good enough!

Randal Graves said...

tomcat, not mine? What are you, some kind of communist dictator, or Joe Lieberman?

nunly, I think I spent much more on this than I do on a normal post, something like 48 seconds.

And come on, I wrote about sports at least three times. That hurts.

liberality, thanks, I'll need it, or at least enough cash to bribe the judge. Maybe I should set up a PayPal button.

Demeur said...

Graves you blog whore. I'm almost sure there's a greasy fingered Aqualung priest that would love to be your back door man.

As for the beefcake pictures he'd only have to make a trip to the airport for a full body scan. Hope you changed you drawers though.

okjimm said...

Hey.... dude... whatz wit, "I'm a Whore"? Like, huh, isn't that a step up in the world for you.... from your previous position as a 'Cleveland Brown Fan'..... he he he....

I gotza a joke for ya...

What's the difference between a Cleveland Brown fan and a Green Bay Packer fan?

The Packer fan getz at least one more football game this season! Boy, was that mean!

Seriously.... A Great New Year to you.... Sir!

Beach Bum said...

Nostradamus?

Got to love the History channel for broadcasting every freaking show about the old Frog predicting everything including the bowel movements of historic leaders. Really pushes the envelop on the term "history". Since Nostradamus was "rediscovered" in an old documentary with Orson Wells the third anti-Christ has gone from that party animal Ayatolla Khomeini, to Rummy's buddy Saddam, and now Osama.

Actually I think the third antichrist is the dude at a local convenience story that sold me a bad burrito.

My favorite of your stuff from the past year was "Nous avons faim."

Mary Ellen said...

Damn! I got my new post up too late 'cuz the family kept me too busy today. Can't wait for hubby to go back to work, this vacation time is killing me.

I put up your wonder woman pic, but it's too late. Sigh...next year, I guess.

Happy New Year, kiddo! I hope you enjoy another year of hating everyone and everything. ;-)

sunshine said...

Happy New Year Randal!
All the best.

((Hugs))
Laura

Tom Harper said...

"Whist is sexier than you think." Maybe, but the real dark horse in that category is...[drumroll]...Cribbage! Life on the edge. You have no idea what goes on in those senior citizen centers after the Cribbage Rush has ended.

Kvatch said...

Just popped in to say "Feliz Año Nuevo!" Randal.

Hill said...

LOL'ing at your "I'd starve" line...

:)

S.W. Anderson said...

What do you mean, implying you're not a "real writer?" Randal, when it comes to that voodoo that you do so well — hey, nobody does it better!

Bram Stoker would be proud of you. Fred Zacherle would be proud of you. Howard Cossell would be proud of you. Even Harvey Kurtzman would be proud of you.

Randal, that's an appellation that applies to no one else on Earth!

So be happy, already, and have a happy new year.

David Barber said...

Happy New Year Randal.

All The Best To You And Yours.

Regards, David.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, I'm telling ya, there's an idea for a porn flick in there. On the quality of Plan 9, to be sure.

okjimm, hey, we get more game, on Sunday! 5-11! Woo!

BB, sorry, no time to comment, I think the History Channel is broadcasting another show about this mysterious, unknown guy called "Hitler."

nunly, you just want the stash all to yourself. ;-)

sunshine, does that mean I'm going to win the lottery? I already went through my Nigerian scam winnings.

tom, cribbage? Are you mad? I don't want to get arrested!

kvatch, since you and frogette are in SA, can we officially consider you traitors to the empire? ;-)

hill, just the facts. :)

SWA, hey, I AM happy, I'm not back at work until Monday!

david, I Xerox the sentiments and send them back. Second generation copies are still valid, right?

Distributorcap said...

i am missing my brain this morning

TomCat said...

No Randal, just a mwember of the comment democracy.

Dr. Zaius said...

This looks surprisingly like an index. Or a vain attempt avoid writing a proper post, perhaps... :o)

Cormac Brown said...

Well, Randal, most of the time, you made F-F-F good. But when you didn't, at least you made it interesting.