Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Blogman Cometh

That's a cool shot. Looks like he's about to fuck you up through the ancient art of the Universal Horror Black and White Staredown.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, Übermilf snarkily suggested that I supplement my whining with a drunken playwright side project. Ask, and ye shall receive.

But first, I would endeavor to ask for something from you: forgiveness in advance for the literary blasphemy that is about to unfold as, even though its revelation was delayed until now, it was written while imbibing frog juice during halftime of the Carolina-Arizona game last night. I had planned on posting it afterward, but, in my drunken stupor further fueled by the debilitating shock of the inconceivable asskicking laid down by the Cardinals, forgot.

Thank Cthulhu for autosave.

Act I
Bartender Ted sneaks a drink to Larry Craig in the old, run-down dump that used to house post-RNC get togethers during the Eight Glorious Years that are now, sadly for the patrons, a distant and rapidly fading memory.

Bartender Ted: Make it fast.

Larry Craig: Out here?

Bartender Ted: Not that, booze! Drink it!

Larry Craig: I'll be glad to pay up -- tomorrow. Larry begins to sing. I'll gladly you pay you tomorrow for a drink today. It's the Feast of The Dude Abides tomorrow!

Bartender Ted slams his fist down on the counter.

Bartender Ted: NO!

Larry Craig: Don't mock pipe dreams. I find mine in the bathroom stall.

Fresh from his stint as a war correspondent, handyman extraordinaire and all-around regular guy, Joe the Plumber, enters the bar.

Joe the Plumber: Hi, gang!

Everyone: Back from Israel already?

Joe the Plumber: You're all going to hell!

Act II
A bunch of crap happens that I'm too drunk to write out.

More bunches of crap happens, full of melodrama and pathos and all kinds of other shit that students of the Greek tragedians write term papers on.

Act IV
Everyone is sad that a Republican victory is nothing but a pipe dream after all and thus further drown themselves in drink, unlike me, who drinks because I think I make more sense while loaded.

Joe the Plumber: I didn't pay my taxes! I don't have a plumbing license!

The cops barge in, brazenly brandishing weaponry.

Everyone: DON'T TASE HIM, BRO!

Irish Cop: You stole me lucky charms! And ye didn't pay your taxes! And ye don't have a plumbing license. And -- ye was on welfare!

Everyone: GASP!

Joe the Plumber: Now you're all going to testify that I'm nuts, right?

Everyone: YES!

Larry Craig and Karl Rove run upstairs. Karl Rove stands on the fire escape.

Karl Rove: I don't believe in nothin' no more! I'm gonna do it!

Larry Craig closes his eyes and hears Karl Rove jump and splatter his gooey innards all over the sidewalk.

Larry Craig: Whew!

Everyone else is beyond plastered and begins to sing. Larry Craig remains on the fire escape.




Dusty said...

I got toasted yesterday too..but I didn't write the next great play like you m'dear Randal. ;p

Liberality said...

I like what you wrote about Rove. How very unbuddhistic of me I know!

Spartacus said...

Bravo... Brilliant... I laughed... I cried... Who's got the film rights?

susan said...

I'm all for the building of more fire escapes, with rusty metal, with doors that lock automatically behind those who step out on them. Anyone wanting to become a politician or have influence over one ought to be thoroughly tested for signs of moral and intellectual turpitude. Good play.

Utah Savage said...

Exactly what Susan Said. Thanks Susan for getting here first. I timed that right, didn't I?

Missy said...

So that's what happened when the GOP caught fire. Everyone got paralytic drunk and Rove jumped.

And Joe the Plumber? Did he ever get his reporters license?

La Belette Rouge said...

The plays the thing, or so they say. What the hell does that mean? You should know that you are a playwrite.

Tom Harper said...

Nice story, especially the Rove part. Enjoyed the break from your usual liberal whining :)

Beach Bum said...

Rove jumped? I love happy endings.

Lisa said...

Okay, now do one called Waiting for Palin. Pleeeeease.

S.W. Anderson said...

I'm with Beach Bum. But really, I don't see Rove jumping. I don't think he has the courage.

More likely, some recently unseated GOP pol or pols would've pushed him off the fire escape. Who knows, maybe Sarah Barracuda, even.

okjimm said...

Act II was great!! Or what I remember. Drunk-reading is dangerous.

Mary Ellen said...

Yup...chances are that Rove would never jump from a building. He would just push off a few homeless people in his place. And Larry Craig wouldn't make it to the rooftop because he had to make a stop at the john on the way up, he heard some foot tapping going on behind the door as he passed by.

okjimm- you started drinking without me? Sheesh.

Agi said...

I can't wait to see what you come up with during the NFC Championship game.

Bull said...

Bravo! Author! Author! Oh wait, that's you.

When are auditions? I wanna' read for Joe The Plumber. Or Mitt Romney if he has a part.

Dean Wormer said...

I'm no theater critic but it looks to me like you got a hit there.

Kind of a cross between "Wicked" and "Springtime for Hitler."

Übermilf said...

As delightful as this is, it saddens me to realize you are the only person I seem to have any influence over whatsoever.

Angie said...

This was absolutely a sun ray in the dreariness of the day. I laughed, but I didn't cry.

pissed off patricia said...

Damn, those are two frightening pictures.

Mary Ellen said...

Hey slacker, get back to your blog or I'll put you in the "dead deceased corpses" section on my blogroll! ;-)

Hill said...


Sam Sheppard, watch out! You've got competition now.


Distributorcap said...

another Eugene O'Neill.. when is the sports play coming?

Randal Graves said...

dusty, that's okay, I didn't write that either!

liberality, you're going to burn in Buddhist hell! Yes, they have one, but it's a secret.

spartacus, I think dcap should have them, he's the Cecil B. DeMille of blogfilms.

susan, you're my kind of bird.

utah, perhaps you should set your alarm an hour earlier?

missy, if lack of a reporter's license is good enough for Jimmy Jeff Gannon Guckert, it's good enough for Mr. Clean.

LBR, I used to have Playmobile when I was growing up. Does that count as sufficiently thespian?

tom, even I get sick of whining now and then. But only for a few minutes. ;-)

BB, I was thinking "which seedy, slimy bastard would I like to see jump" and his was the first name that came to mind.

lisa, I just might. The AFC championship is looking rip for booze.

SWA, I don't think he would either as he's about a narcissistic as you can get, but think of it as poetic license.

okjimm, I definitely hit my stride with Act II, but it kind of petered out at the end.

ME, Larry, is that method acting?

No, wide stancing.

agi, I think my playwriting days are over before they ever begun.

bull, you'll need a wig for Mitt, for no mortal man has hair like that.

dean, I'm telling Godwin on you.

übermilf, take some solace, for no one listens to me.

angie, I can't believe you didn't cry at the existential angst of our hero, Larry.

POP, aren't they?

ME, hey, I had days off, and with the kids at school, that's prime readin' time!

hill, but I'm not a murderer. ;-)

dcap, I'm not sure, but I've got a book about the Browns, A Tale of One Team. It was the worst of times. The end.

Madam Z said...

Did anyone besides me notices that the pupils of Larry Craig's eyes are SLITS? SLITS! As in demonic! Has anyone checked Rove's eyes? Or Cheney's?

Randal Graves said...

Perhaps it's not a trick of the camera, but that he really is a evil, subterranean lizard. That would explain so much!

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

nothing worse than a bunch of armchair playwrights...this ditty is what pipedreams are made of!