Thursday, January 22, 2009

Bad Mood Rising

Save for waking up in a bad mood -- it happens 6 or 7 times a week, you happy fuckers -- I've got zip. Oh, I've actually got a million grumblings bouncing around in my generally empty skull, but I've no good way to articulate the ones I wish to articulate, which is okay for blogging because I can bullshit my way through that, as you'll soon see if you're foolish enough to read on, but not for fiction writing.

"Life is like a box of nothing?"

You've got it.

"We'll see. Sports?"

Fuck Pittsburgh. Fuck Arizona. Fuck the NFL for having stolen our team and our would-be GM for Baltimore. Fuck the Lakers, the Celtics, the Magic, the rest of the Central division, the Thunder for having a stupid fucking logo that some 8-year old with crayons could've come up with, but some ad firm yokel got six figures instead, fuck LeBron who'll leave in two years and fuck the Indians logo, a racist, ugly as fuck thingamajig.

"What does all that have to do with your teams either choking or sucking year after year?"

More than you know.

"That doesn't make a lick of sense."

I triple-dog dare you.


The system is what it is. Let me know when Western war criminals whose current location we are aware of serve jail time instead of being let off the hook, thereby giving the green light to future Richard Nixons, Ronald Reagans and George Bushes to kick brown-skinned nuts and cunts and bring about Patriot Act III: Agnew Returns! I'm a naive, divisive, single-issue guy like that.

Wish I had been
your president.

"Even a glass-is-always-empty bastard like you has to appreciate some of the things that Hussein X has done so far."

Sure, in the way I appreciate a quarterback not tossing five interceptions while having all day to throw. Defending the Constitution is part of the job, isn't it? I know that's not a popular opinion in these apparently euphoric days, especially after the last pretzeldent used it to wipe his ass, blow his nose then scrape the mayonnaise from his mouth, but I don't care. If your last IT guy purposely loaded multiple viruses in your system, embezzled company bank accounts and disappeared to South America, wouldn't you demand the new guy not to? Of course, not being an IT guy, I don't know if IT job applications specifically state "please don't load viruses into the company's computer system, embezzle our accounts and disappear from law enforcement," and if they don't, then I apologize.

Now, if they can keep Russell Tice from dying in a mysteriously timely plane crash -- can we have some of the wingnut Supremes and Big Sammy take his place instead? -- get a long string of prison sentences for all the spying fuckery and alter our belligerent foreign policy in a meaningful way -- not shifting billions to Israel to blow the fuck out of Gaza, for example -- then color me mildly impressed. As I am with Hussein X not wearing his suit jacket. Cyclopean kudos, dude. Fuck those things. Since we're on such good terms, how about a signing statement keeping LeBron in Cleveland?

"Giving up on the war criminal angle already? I understand. Neighborhood empires talk the talk but never walk the walk."

Exactement. There's a good reason impeachment was off the table. Hard to tie your own noose if there's no rope in front of you, right Nancy? And don't forget that American Idol was on quite often, you 1.9 million that managed to show up in DC on Tuesday. At least the fuckers outside our borders know the gig. Go, world, go.


Don't get me started on the fuckers that walk into that joint. Stop asking stupid questions that I know you know the answer to because I told you the answer the last three times you asked. Stop asking me how I am, will you? I'm at work dealing with you instead of being at home writing. Have a blessed day? How about you have a secular day, fucker. No, have a Satanic day, you likely McCain voter. Beelzebub! Bleargh!

"Your devil would be a scantily-clad babe, Mr. Bitter. How about you do your job and at least pretend to be gracious --"

I do pretend, and I'm quite skilled at it.

"-- and take things in moderation."

Okay, Aristotle. Should've given you some hemlock, too. Take symphonies in moderation?

"You'll miss out on string quartets."

Take power chords in moderation?

"Fine, pass on melancholy, single note lines."

Take football in moderation?

"Suddenly hate basketball?"

Take Chex Mix in moderation?

"I'm surprised you didn't say sex."

You know my sometimes-better-half hates me.

"True. So, overdosing on Chex Mix is healthy?"

Bloody right it is. And perfecting the combination of nuts and pretzels and Worcestershire sauce and secret ingredients so that it approximates the power of Proust's madeleine is a quest not to be undertaken lightly. We have various recipes and though having come close, my sometimes-better-half having more success than I, it still isn't as good as the stuff my mom used to make years ago. I'm starting to wonder if the secret ingredient is human flesh. We do taste like chicken after all and it's cheaper to knock someone off then buy a pack of frozen wings. I had always thought I'd be the murderer in the family. Weird.

Well, off to bludgeon someone into ingredients.

"Feel better?"


"There's always YouTube."

Rock on.


Frederick said...

Speaking of youtube, have you ever checked out my channel?

Mary Ellen said...

Man...I thought I was in a bad mood this morning. And all that just to get to a Creedence Clearwater You Tube!

Have a Blessed day, randal. Heh heh heh. I had to say it. ;-)

dguzman said...

Goddamn, Randal. That was one righteous rant! Where I finally gave up stifling my laughter (I am at work, after all): "And perfecting the combination of nuts and pretzels and Worcestershire sauce and secret ingredients so that it approximates the power of Proust's madeleine is a quest not to be undertaken lightly."

Only you could've written that genius line, my man. Only you.

Dusty said...

Well hot-fucking-damn Randal, tell us how you feel darlin! ;)

The fucktards from BushCo will probably never get their dues, but they might get their Karma...think about it.

As for sports, I got my MLB network on the boob tube, so all's right w/my sports universe right now. And no one has signed Manny..HAHAhaha.

Bubs said...

Chrawst almighty, do you feel better now? I hope so!

Lisa said...

As long as you don't implement that pain in the ass comment moderation, I guess you can pretty much do whatever you want.

Dean Wormer said...

Since we're on such good terms, how about a signing statement keeping LeBron in Cleveland?

He certainly was impressive last night. Of course if the Blazers actually tried defending the guy instead of standing there taking pictures of how great he was and asking for autographs then it might of been a different story.

Also- one personal foul after playing almost the entire game? C'mon.

Randal Graves said...

frederick, no, but will do.

ME, may the minions of Belial destroy all of your works! ;-)

dguzman, you laughed at work? What's your boss' direct line! I wonder if Proust would like Chex Mix.

dusty, if I believe in karma, I'd feel better, but since I don't, well, my desire for BushCo to be thrown into general population. ;-)

Hell, what's that 38-year old slugger asking for? I hope he realizes that they test for steroids now.

bubs, I will after I set some fires.

lisa, I don't get trolls, so no worries about that bloody thing.

dean, oh, blah blah blah. You guys have one pro sports team and even they won a goddamn title and that was with the most-injured great basketball player of all time. I fully expect a Chicago-New York bad call to go against us somewhere in the playoffs. ;-)

simstone said...

Since I'm in the same kind of mood today as well, I think I might sling a spitball your way ... Peppers has finally had enough with Panther mentality that insists on sucking Delhomme's ass year after fucking year and now wants out. I say keep Peppers and send Delhomme packing.

I think I will keep all my political rants at bay for the time being. There ain't enough spitballs around to handle the required load.

Randal Graves said...

simstone, what's with all the assistant coaches leaving as well?

Ah, Delhomme. Sure, he has 'grit,' but sucky grit is still sucky.

Good luck finding a QB. All the decent free agents (Warner, Garcia, Collins) are all 800-years old. I suppose they could take a flyer on Cassel. Hey, you guys want Derek Anderson? A fifth-rounder, a six-pack and a hoagie.

Joss Albért said...

Drop the free-thinking, roll up single pages of Dianetics by L.Ron Hubbard and place them in your ears, speak only in generalities or apologies, pop a few tabs and then get a beginners set of anal beads.

You will soon feel as right as rain.

thatgirl said...

You forgot the Fucking Yankees. For shame, Randal!

Übermilf said...

Actually, this sounds like you in a GOOD mood.

Mary Ellen said...

ME, may the minions of Belial destroy all of your works! ;-)

What works? I don't's against my religion.

Beach Bum said...

I don't know if IT job applications specifically state "please don't load viruses into the company's computer system, embezzle our accounts and disappear from law enforcement," and if they don't, then I apologize.

Took some classes in the 90's trying to break into that wonderful world of IT and/or computer programming.
As far as the IT guys today, I know a few at the hospital I work at and they are terrified that they will be outsourced as far as software management is concerned to a cheaper firm working in India. So right now they as trying to be purer that Caesar's wife keeping their collective noses clean. Hell they got all motivated and cleaned all the computers of games, pictures and restricted access to the internet. Sorry bastards. Got a programming story but about some guy running off with money but it was far too long for comments.

Liberality said...

Have a blessed day? How about you have a secular day, fucker.

love you too sweetie ;P

KELSO'S NUTS said...

GRAVES: I love that movie. I love Jean Shepherd's short story collections, as well: "Wanda Hickey's Night Of Golden Memories And Other Disasters" and "In God We Trust All Others Pay Cash."

I want Rick Warren to raise Jean Shepherd from the dead and make him lucid enough to write about the Red States TODAY.

And I agree with Shepherd on the lamppost thing. It was a TREMENDOUS BREACH OF SCHOOLYARD ETIQUETTE to go straight from the "Double Dare" to the "Triple Dog Dare".

Meanwhile, Tengrain, Torrance Stephens, Fairlane, Buelahman, Nicki Nicki Tembo, Keep It Trill, Rippa, Curious, Sista GP, Pissed In NYC, Christopher, yours truly, and a handful of other brave souls who oppose Obama from from the left-left or the libertarian-left continue to lose friends at an alarming rate yet like the (heh heh) we fight the Perons and and Augusto Pinochet with the same pens Jacobo Timerman and Ariel Dorfmann used, my US comrades face the torture chambers and rape rooms that unlike during Chimpy, the Perons and Pinochet are not grey or puke green but rather are decorated in bright colors with lots of balloons and sponsored by A T & T.

Only Barack Obama could come up with a plan to CLOSE GITMO which is crueler and less constitutional than just to keep it open and going. Obama can't let any of those people out of the US penal system. They have a multi-trillion dollar slam dunk World Court class action complaint. They have to all die while incarcerated or extraordinarlity rendered. Add in what the WTO might grant them in a joint restraint of trade ruling. These people think that they're going to be LEAVING captivity? It would be more humane to take them out back and execute them all tomorrow.

Watching David Paterson and Shelley Silver mindfuck Caroline Kennedy was truly watching two New York City ethnic artistes at work. I've seen this kind of thing since early childhood:

PATERSON: "Hey, Shelley, you know I don't like this skanky so-and-so Caroline Kennedy. Who the fuck does she think she is."

SILVER: "Fuckin A, Dave. Let's bang her up good. Junior United States Senator? When we get through with her, she'll be too scared to show her face in public for the American Cancer Society Ball. What price will you lay me we can put her in the mental hospital?"

PATERSON: "Lay you a price? Shit, Shelley, we gotta be careful we don't drive her to suicide...Another round, Joe!"

Except there's some sense of pulling these mindfucks on your peers, not on poor little rich girls with subnormal IQs! The switcheroo of the placid, serene, Zen Master Paterson playing BAD COP, and the dyspeptic, angry Silver playing GOOD COP was what made this so wonderfully brutal.

Lest anyone feel sorry for Caroline Kennedy, her sadism was far worse than any schoolyard games Paterson and Silver could dream up. She was TASKED with cutting the NYC Public Schools budgets to allow for a huge tax holiday for the Atlantic Yards to be developed by Bruce Ratner and Magic Johnson.

Yes, Graves, I am the father of a boy in 3rd Grade in a city public school and I loved every minute of this. It was almost worth her having cut all non-charter school's elementary school gym down to one day a week and no more afterschool chess or drama club to see her humiliated in public for a month straight!

A total dicking. New York style. That's what I call representing for your hometown!

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Your ennui trumps my melancholy any day. Or is it that your Worcestershire blend trumps my homemade-from-soy-sauce-and-other-shit-I-can't-remember-that-I-make-Chex-mix-from?

I'll never know.

susan said...

Ahh, sweet catharsis! I needed that especially after having spent the day listening to former Republican blowhards talk about how they were for Obama all along. Most people really don't know what's going on at all.

La Belette Rouge said...

I could do 500 words on the ugliness of the shoes that devil girls is wearing and I HATE chex mix.

Anonymous said...

Was this mental purging or a complete evacuation? Hmmm. Well I'm comforted by the assumption that you remembered to wipe, flush and put the toilet seat down. Hope you had a good day yesterday and that you'll have a better one today.

Randal Graves said...

joss, if I roll them up for non-smoking purposes, won't the Church of Scientology come after me with the full force of a Battlefield Earth sequel?

I care too much about you all to unleash that upon society.

thatgirl, holy fuck, you're right! I should turn in my Ranter's Local #13 card.

übermilf, now that's not true. I smiled once. Hurt like hell for a week.

ME, that's true, you Catholics are too busy guilt-trippin' to stimulate the economy.

BB, not even minesweeper remains? Now that you've piqued our curiosity, I hope you'll do a post about that programmer guy.

liberality, if I'm about anything, it's the love. ;-)

kelso, hang on a sec, I gotta get comfortable. Your comments are longer than my shitty posts. ;-)

Ever since I first saw that movie years ago, I've wanted to read those stories but I haven't gotten around to it. Sounds like they're good stuff.

These people think that they're going to be LEAVING captivity? It would be more humane to take them out back and execute them all tomorrow.

The Center for Constitutional Rights and I agree with you. A year? Really? Charge 'em or release 'em. Their site has PDFs of the EOs and I don't even play a lawyer on teevee but, though in much-less annoying legalese than many of Chimpy's for obvious reasons, they aren't very clear.

Look, imagine being in that fuckhole. Would you be jumping for joy that you might possibly get out in 365 days? Doubtful. If they're truly vile, fine, put them through due process if you're convinced that they're the Gravest Threat to Humanity Ever®. Why is that such a hard concept to understand?

Classic Noo Yawkery aside, I still ain't rooting for The Fucking Yankees!

UC, dude, what is your recipe for Chex Mix? We should trade, then get a shindig where we all get drunk and throw shoes at Chimpy. Or is he still showing his body double the deal about the post-pretzel residence?

susan, my favorite thing is when they whine like three-year-olds about Obama shutting them out. Always bipartisan when you're out of power. Fuck them.

LBR, see, I just gave you a post idea! And I'm willing to overlook your insult if you promise to never rip on Chex Mix again.

spartacus, um, ouch. You should send that link to Pickles. Don't want Chimpy to get hurt during his training sessions.

Freida Bee said...

You could have just put your dick in that box.

Anonymous said...