Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Going once, going twice, sold to no one!

Scouring the tubes with baking soda and vinegar -- there's quite a lot of filthy, filthy stuff in here -- for something to post about, as I've hit the dreaded stage of posting not out of desire, but because it's expected -- hey, they told me to do it, and if you think I'm going to ignore they, you are mixed nuts -- I decided to follow the diagnosis of my unofficial therapist, Freida of the Bees, PhD in Armchair Psychology, Liberty University '02: she has physiologically and existentially determined that my previous post was a disguised cry for help, a cry to be a virgin once more.

Upon first glance, I vehemently disagreed with her conclusion, but since I don't know the operational and logistical direction of my own brain any better than anyone else --

"Believe me, I don't know, either."

-- I deduced that she could be correct. How the hell would I know? Plus it gave me a post and for that, I am eternally in your debt, Ladye of Texyse, until I pay it off. You want a homemade paper football? People in Texyse like football. It's a law, like posting regularly and using sunscreen.

Anyway, it sounds a horrific proposition on the surface, I know, but in the intervening years, I've picked up a vast reservoir of suave to help guide me along this fresh start, so all I need is for you ladies -- sorry dudes, much appreciated, but it just ain't my gig -- to start the bidding for my deflowering. Hey, the economy sucks, I need loot.

And since this isn't based in anything religious, at least in a godly sort of way, Sunday copulation won't come after Mass, but after football, and once that's done, NBA tripleheaders. Remember, it isn't the deed, but the anticipation. See, waiting a few more hours is extra sexy. God bless godlessness.

"Oh, Randal, if I got $3.8 million, I'm sure you could get $3.80."


Utah Savage said...

Randal, you're going to have a hard (pardon the pun) time getting deflowered if you put the layde off until after spoorts. Especially if she's paying for the pleasure. $3.80 and she has to wait? You must want to remain a virgin.

Sherry Peyton said...

Let me get this straight. YOu are willing to pay me? It need not be a lot, I'm learning to live with less in this post depressive economic food processor of a world. I'll take a cool half mill and call it even eh? Throw in some snacks for the game, and heck, I may go for 350,000. YOur choice!

Übermilf said...

Nobody wants your sad, wilted flower.

Randal Graves said...

utah, it's all instant gratification with you chicks, ain't it.

sherry, youre reeding comprehenshun iz broekin. Unless you said you're paying me half a million.

übermilf, true, but I already made ten bucks just to go away so I'm in the black.

Liberality said...

men usually give it away and quite willingly I believe. it's us maidenly flowers of virtue that have to be persuaded.

La Belette Rouge said...

Freud is soooo HOT!

Dean Wormer said...

Let me get this straight-

You're not a virgin?!!??!!

You spend a awful lot of time on the internet for someone that's actually had sex.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, I already know what happens when I give it away. The resulting nukyular explosion devours my paycheck.

LBR, it's the glasses. Imagine how sexy he'd be with a monocle.

dean, are you suggesting I earn my paycheck and talk to my wife instead? You're a crazy, crazy man.

Tom Harper said...

"Scouring the tubes with baking soda and vinegar -- there's quite a lot of filthy, filthy stuff in here."

Hallelujah! I'm glad to see you've found the Love of Jesus AND you want to be a virgin. Oh Happy Day! Praise The Lord!

Anonymous said...

Damn it Randal. Why did you exclude half the population from this bidding war. I was ready to break the back and bid a five spot! I'm so heartbroken.

Übermilf said...

I wonder how much you could get for a withered old seed pod?

Beach Bum said...

I've picked up a vast reservoir of suave to help guide me along this fresh start...

Dear Lord man, you could start a blog just on that subject. So share the knowledge, PLEASE.

S.W. Anderson said...

". . . in the intervening years, I've picked up a vast reservoir of suave to help guide me along this fresh start . . ."

Ah so, like this?

Hey, it's OK. The ladies do like clean.

susan said...

Shall I, at this late hour, consider playing Collette to your Cheri? Pourquoi pas?

en plus, il y a un autre tag pour vous :-)

Dr. Zaius said...

You know, Randal, sometimes a cigar is merely a cigar.

Missy said...

"start the bidding for my deflowering."


(head lolling on desk, wiping tear)

Ubermilf, a seed pod would imply that some form of sex has taken place. At this point Randal is mere pollen.

(deflowering.. snicker)

Randal Graves said...

tom, Praise Be Unto Him, Amen, Brother in the Lord, Amen!

spartacus, can I have the five bucks anyway?

übermilf, I don't know, you should ask someone that's old and withered, not young and sprightly.

BB, don't tell anyone, but I might have lied a little.

SWA, part of looking good is feeling good. Hmm. That explains a lot!

susan, c'est une bonne idée. Mais le tag, ce n'est pas une bonne idée !

dr. zaius, I gave up smoking for lent.

missy, you shouldn't hold my youthful good looks against me.

Anonymous said...

spartacus, can I have the five bucks anyway?

The check is in the mail.

Lisa said...

It's a (made up fact of abstinence only education) fact that a person's virginity grows back if one goes without sex for 69 days.

Just think of the money making opportunities!

Übermilf said...

I was actually talking about me.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, thou art the man.

lisa, really? Shit, I might be a virgin thrice over!

übermilf, you're completely ruining your übermilfiness with that admission. I won't tell a soul.

Anonymous said...