Friday, January 16, 2009

I love making stuff up


















We don't have to tell the truth, do we? Because, frankly, Randal's truth isn't very exciting, though Randal likes to pretend that it is. Yes, in tribute of the greatest leadoff hitter ever, Randal is talking like Rickey.

"Randal is talking like a dumbass."

Anyway, Randal been ordered to come up with some randomly stochastic haphazardry.

The rules, chumps:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. (Randal's still working on it)
2. Post the rules on your blog. (can't you read?)
3. Write six random things about yourself. (still trying to conjure up some falsehoods)
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. (Randal will get to it)
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog. (that sounds too much like work to Randal)
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up. (you're dangerously close to cutting into Randal's porn-surfing time)

1. Once upon a time when Randal I was a wee lad, I was learning to play the violin but I quit after a few months because the teacher was the stereotypical, blue-haired, old school hardass refugee from Eastern Europe. Music is supposed to be fun, you fucking corpse. Well, I assume she's a corpse. If not, she's either pushing triple digits or found a way to cheat death, in which case, congratulations. Who knows, instead of having zero musical ability like I currently have, I could've grown up to suck.

2. Yes, I actually do hold conversations with myself from time to time and when they are voiced for all to hear, my kids find it outwardly amusing, though I'm sure they harbor concerns that their dad is a fucking lunatic which he probably is because he calls his oldest Doodily, which is a snippet of a winded Ned Flanders' rant from this hilarious episode that we both dig. Some families eat dinner together. We watch The Simpsons together.

3. Despite my sometimes-better-half and I promoting the notion that the only dumb question is the one never asked -- for example, Mr. President, when exactly did you decide to be a war criminal, before or after you found Jesus? -- my kids have become wary of asking me anything because I tend to go off on multiple tacks and end up finally answering their initial query about twenty minutes later. Everything may or may not be political, but everything is interrelated even if at a microscopic tangential level -- no, I'm not talking some bullshit karma crap. Karma doesn't fucking exist and history proves that -- and I hope that at least a few nuggets, the ones that will actually be helpful as they experience this simultaneously wonderful and ridiculous world, from my novocaine blatherings sink into their skulls.

4. I once had a threeway with Gillian Anderson and Kate Winslet. Okay, I made that one up. But I daydreamed about it once or twice.

5. I own two ties. This one is true.

6. All your onion ring are belong to us.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

I'm going to preemptively pardon myself for the murder of my brain.

Suckers: Miss Frenchie Frencherton, Freida of the Bees, Flying Nunly, Angie, La Belette Rouge, the soon-to-be ex-Pretzeldent.

23 comments:

Distributorcap said...

i can only imagine spending 5 minutes in the Randal house......

i am sending you the 25 ties i never wear - i make no promises that they arent stained....

Mary Ellen said...

Gee, and I always thought your posts were born of creative genius and all this time you were only whack. ;-)

Vodka Mom said...

Did you just say fuck?

Okay, I'm in.

Vodka Mom said...

you totally cracked me up.

Vodka Mom said...

and HOLY FUCK I just saw your GW crack up on the sidebar. HHAHAHAHAHA.

Bull said...

MMMMMmmmm...Gillian Anderson....

3 was funny..you and I could be related. Son asks about how atoms are split, 10 minutes later I'm talking to him about the Cold War and his eyes are glazed over.

Liberality said...

ranting at the kids about politics and going off on tangents unrelated/sort of related or whatever is the one perk of being a parent. seeing the kids' eyes glaze over...well, up to you how you take it.

Randal Graves said...

dcap, most of the time, it's pretty boring. Do any of the ties have little pictures of Chimpy on them?

ME, genius has never resided here, only lunacy.

vodka mom, indeed I did! I'm gonna miss Chimpy, he made blogging relatively easy.

bull, HA! As long as they take something away from the conversation, I'd say our job as parents was fulfilled.

liberality, they know what to expect, so when the eyes do get glazed, I blame them.

Dean Wormer said...

1) Your music teacher sounds hot. I like older women.
2) People who don't like the Simpsons are the ones that are screwed up.
3) You only have so much time to program them with your worldview so you have to get as much as you can in.
4) I watched a few of those old X-Files episodes lately and Gillian is soooooo short. Not that it matters for a threeway.
5) Both ties have Mickey Mouse on them, right?
6) K, but u can't have me fries.

pissed off patricia said...

You will miss the chimp in chief?

Dude, get yourself some medical help and do it quick.

On a serious note, I sure as hell will be a happier person this time next week.

Bubs said...

Splendid list! I also appreciate sport lying; my eldest gave me a tee shirt as a gift a couple years ago that reads, simply "I MAKE STUFF UP"

Sounds like you might want one of those.

Angie said...

I think you took parenting classes with my husband. Sometimes the kids just look at me with pleading looks. I always respond as June Cleaver would, "Listen to your father children". I'll be glad to make up 6 random things about myself. I was planning on drinking tonight anyway (to stave off the cold you know).

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

RG - so love a bit of a glimpse into who you are...the mystery man. Also glad you addressed #6 because as I was scrolling down I had no idea what the hell you were talking about.

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

RG - so love a bit of a glimpse into who you are...the mystery man. Also glad you addressed #6 because as I was scrolling down I had no idea what the hell you were talking about.

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

RG - so love a bit of a glimpse into who you are...the mystery man. Also glad you addressed #6 because as I was scrolling down I had no idea what the hell you were talking about.

Mary Ellen said...

Ok, I finished my homework, Randal. Could I go out and play now?

Randal Graves said...

dean, 1)then you'd love her.
2)preach it, Rev. Wormer
3)can I get an amen? I recall a few occasions where my offspring would join me in a dig at BushCo and my pop would only half-jokingly go on about indoctrination. Always funny coming from the man who verbally worshiped Reagan on a nearly daily basis.
4)being someone of relatively short stature myself, I foresee zero problems once I solve the dilemma of getting her to come on over.
5)Disney? Bah. Daffy Duck.
6)then we have a deal! See, Israelis and Palestinians, how easy that is?

POP, he sure made the blogging easier. Now I'll have to criticize the administration through policy nuances as opposed to poor English and chimp faces.

bubs, now that would be one hell of a cool shirt!

angie, oh, there's a strategery there. Confuse 'em into behaving. Don't forget to drink heavily as scienticians have proved that alcohol warms the blood.

NVJ, your love of it was worth three comments! As for #6, I was merely professing my love of onion rings.

Randal Graves said...

ME, make sure you bundle up!

Freida of the Bees said...

I remember when my oldest was tiny and I wondered if The Simpson's was appropriate viewing for her. Ha! Now, it's Family Guy and Southpark, and I'm laughing the loudest.

My kids started asking questions to which I now have to say, "Let's look it up online." Now, they preemptively say, "She's just going to tell us to look it up online." It's true. I just don't know all the stuff they ask. Last week I was asked to name 5 astronomers and their achievements. What do I look like, James Burke?

Now, see I love that guy and if your circular ramblings are anything similar, please record it for our listening pleasure.

Mememe schmememe. ;)

Randal Graves said...

F of the Bs, it sounds like your children are a bad influence on you.

Do I have to sing?

Spartacus said...

Ha... I read these and thought geography know no bound when it comes to family similarities. Music is supposed to be fun; if you close your blinds CPS will never know you're being mean to your kids; you should know that your kids have checked out of your response to their query 15 seconds into it; dreaming is free; you can have my ties because I hate wearing them; if you want my onion rings, you'll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

drat you dick dastardly! I mean rat you randall rastardly! well. I'm back now and fresh out of excuses ... now that you lured me in with false promises of timely color commentary and instead...well just remember I don't get mad, I get even!

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