Saturday, January 3, 2009

Wild cat, wild thing, wild side, wild something

"The power of McNabb compels you!"

Atlanta at Arizona: Atlanta is Example #17296 illustrating the frustration of being a Browns fan: four wins, the cloud of Dog the Quarterback hovering above, the coach up and quitting on the team before the season is over, the malaise of being in one of America's shittiest sporting towns. So what happens? A rookie coach leads a rookie quarterback, for my money, the most impressive since Dan Marino -- shut up, Steelers fans, look at the fucking team that was around Roethlisberger -- starts 16 games, actually makes plays beyond "game management" and, with the help of 1600-yard free agent signee Michael Turner, goes 11-5, whereas Brady Quinn will no doubt break his leg in week 6 next season. Then there's Danny's fucking Dolphins going from 1-15 to 11-5. Fuckity fuckity fuck. Oh, yeah, this game. Hey, how 'bout that Kurt Warner, huh? One more thing: NFL Network knuckleheads -- I'm looking at you, Rod Woodson -- Chris Johnson was NOT the Rookie of the Year. A running back splitting time on a team whose strength is their defense against a quarterback in that situation? Dumbass. Falcons, 28-20.

Indianapolis at San Diego: The World's Greatest Quarterback® -- quiet, Bah-ston, your dude hasn't played since September -- is on a serious roll. But guess who led the NFL in ever important yards/attempt and TD passes? Yep, the guy with the funkiest delivery since Bernie Kosar. Tomlinson -- NOT LT, that was Lawrence Taylor, you fuckers -- is nearing the glue factory, but expect lots of weirdness, as is usually the case when these two meet (Vinatieri shanking a chip shot, Billy Volek to Darren Sproles). Colts, 33-24.

Baltimore at Miami: I know that a game that took place nearly two pretzeldential terms ago when only a handful of personages remain the same, but I can't shake the feeling that the same result will occur. Both teams play tough D, run the ball and ask their quarterbacks to not fuck up (the Dolphins, along with the Giants, turned the ball over only thirteen times; that simply doesn't happen). I'd love to see Ray Lewis resort to reliving Gladiator in his front yard after tomorrow, but The Fucking Ravens live on another week. Baltimore, 23-10.

Philadelphia at Minnesota: The prodigious powers of Purple Jesus notwithstanding, does anyone envision Tavaris Jackson being able to stand upright after the blitzkrieg flurry of destruction that Jim Johnson is going to unleash? En plus, Donovan has been here and Brian Westbrook is this era's Marshall Faulk. Ignore the 9-6-1 record, it's not out of the realm of possibility to see these guys in Tampa in early February. Eagles, 27-17.


Distributorcap said...

i get to leave the first comment on a sports post.....

randal, did you know.......


susan said...

While wishing you the best of the football season, I'm going back to reread the classical music list.

Utah Savage said...

Like a pig in shit. You must be very very happy. And if this makes you happy, have at it. But al it takes for me to move on is football, unless it's a game from the seventies with either Marv Flemming or Roy Jefferson. Then you'd grab my attention in a big way. But now I have to think seriously, is this your way of telling me to fuck off?

Mathman6293 said...


I don't mean to rub it in or anything but spring training will be here before too long. Then you and the Indians can celebrate their new former Cubs player. Which by the way is a certain kiss of death to their season.

Happy New Year!

Bull said...

Not much of an ah-gument from Bah-ston on the slick-70°-zero-humidity-I'll-break-all-the-records-as-long-as-I-play-in-a-dome QB vs our not-exceptionally-gifted-drafted-in-the-6th-round-not-afraid-to-play-in-shitty-weather-I-bang-a-supermodel-and-I've-STILL-won-more-Superbowls-than-Peyton QB, except MAYBE...if you slugs in Cleveland can land our offensive coordinator and our BACK UP (yeah, we are that great a QB-making MACHINE) in the off season you might actually win some real games next year.

Fuck the Bolts. Mediocrity at its finest.

Beach Bum said...

Can't stand Peyton Manning, wish he would get struck by lightening, meteorite, or eaten by a zombie horde.

Bull said...

Can't stand him either, but I hate Rivers and that sack of fuck called the Chargers even more.

Figures the one time I pull for the Colts they can't make it happen.

MRMacrum said...

The Chargers are a bunch of whiny bitches. As much as I detest the Colts, I have to throw my support their way. But I draw the line at calling Peyton the greatest at anything except maybe scoring endorsments. He is great, but there is a large crowd there he has to rub shoulders with. And regardless of Brady's loss of this season, he is assured of being there also no matter what else happens to his career.

With this years bunch of contenders and pretenders I have to say I am underwhlemed by the overall quality of the teams playing it out. I hope for an underdog, any underdog to take it this year.

okjimm said...

well, you nailed the Atlanta thing, really really really nailed the Indy thin..... hmmmmmm i wonder who won the fantasy football thingee....I must check with my handler as see how we did at that venue.

Iffen Bubba ever becomes a bookie, I am banking on him. He just netted me two long bucks betting on the Chargers.

Mary Ellen said...

Sports shmorts... this is a hell of a way to start the new year. Where's the naked guy pics? Sheesh.

foundinidaho said...

God I'm glad the Vikings lost.

Notre Vie Juteuse said...

Humm, what to say about this post. Haven't watched football in years, FOOT here in soccer and can't watch that. Ah, the Tour of Australia (cycling race) will be on US TV this year - because Lance is coming back...maybe you can do a post on that, it's january 20th!!!!

S.W. Anderson said...

Re: the photo. Where's his grass skirt?

Christopher said...

Is it spring, yet???

anita said...

yeah, what maryellen said.

Randal Graves said...

dcap, I wish I had a grand prize to give you. How about your Knicks?

susan, I wish you would've wished that back in September before the Browns decided to implode.

utah, I'll only tell you to fuck off when I have a post entitled "Utah, fuck off." Until then, enjoy the NFL playoffs!

mathman, I wonder if your theory works in reverse. For example, what if the Cubs traded or released everyone they currently have for players of equal value, would they then win the World Series?

bull, now don't we think we're lending just a wee bit too much credit to Mr. Brady for all this success? They did have a world-class defense for a few years and managed to go 11-5 without the dude this year.

And in defense of Manning, there are a LOT of quarterbacks who have won zero bowls. And some barely-above-mediocre ones like Terry Bradshaw who have four.

BB, the first two are unpredictable, but the zombie horde? When's the next AEI function?

mrmacrum, picking the best QB, or the best anything, really, is virtually impossible. I'm with you: on the short list, but I can't say he's #1, #3 or #12.

Free agency has certainly worked: even the occasional powerhouse isn't designed to last too long. Which is why what the Pats and Colts have done the last decade is phenomenal. As long as Pittsburgh or Baltimore don't win, I'm fine with any of 'em.

okjimm, man, that fantasy league did not work out for yours truly. Bubba had monster matchups in week 16. I had my entire team on the road. It was ugly. ;-)

ME, sports über alles ! Naked guy pics? You should go to Bubs' place.

foundinidaho, me too, because my predictions were looking crappy!

NVJ, a cycling post? Here? I own a bike. I can do a post about that, how I never ride the damn thing.


christopher, three more months of snow and 20°!

anita, what I said to ME.

Dusty said...

Sproles was the MAN!!! I bought his jersey prior to the game which is why MY Chargers won and Darren Sproles was the unofficial MVP. ;)

I was hung over for two days after attending the game. ;p

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