Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Flash! Aa-ah! Savior of the universe!














"If only I could save this blog."

"Not even you have that power, Flash."

Once again, The Great Escape from having to come up with something. Anyway, I, my face red with embarrassment at being caught red-handed at playing in the card catalog spectacular craptaculism, will try and stem the tide crimson with the blood of failed posts from spiraling ever downward into further depths of banal, probably scarlet or maroon, internets mediocrity.

Nicole’s cataracts have worsened, so I knew she was going to be running late because she had to relearn her way around. She surprised me at the restaurant when she showed up beside our usual table and asked me, ‘wow, what just happened?’

"What do you mean, what just happened? Ever since you went nearly blind as a bat and that third eye sprouted out of your forehead like some compensatory Lovecraftian monstrosity and tell me that didn't make us all puke, that addled mind of yours"-- and here he pointed and shook with the force of a million parents angry and disappointed that their child decided to major in English or, egads, Philosophy -- "so riddled with laughter at our puzzlement at the supernatural jigsaw in which you claim to have expertise from decades of absorbing B-movies which are actually subversive documentaries of the world 'they' don't want you to know about yes we heard you the first billion times, constantly grumbling in your ear so much garbled lunacy that you finally cracked, so what do you decide, you decide that you must grab the nearest flamethrower you can find which means hotwiring my car and jetting to the hardware store to purchase an acetylene torch with the stolen credit card you pilfered from a nattily-clad passer-by (probably a banker) that you subsequently jury-rig to Godzilla-like proportion, the acetylene torch, not the credit card nor the banker but who knows with you, flying back here and burning to a crisp the unholy zombie horde that only your"-- more pointing and shaking, with gusto -- "extra creepy special fuckin' eye can apparently see through this Linda Blair pea soup fog of the Baskervilles cliché, but no goddamn sir Jesus on cheddar, you didn't just burn to a crisp that unholy zombie horde but my fucking restaurant, too, my fucking restaurant full of Rice-A-Roni, the only thing that can placate their insatiable need for human brains, so guess fucking what, Ellen Fucking Ripley, we're all going to die horribly in the next few moments, that's what just happened!"

24 comments:

Übermilf said...

I think you made up the part about zombies liking Rice-A-Roni.

sunshine said...

Hmmm so, does this mean that the story is over?
Cause I don't know what the fuck is going on....

((Hugs))
Laura

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I have it on good authority that Rice-A-Roni is indeed their Achilles heel.

sunshine, of course the story isn't over, even the zombies need their advocates to tell their story. Go, zombies, go!

Freida Bee, MD said...

...with the force of a million parents angry and disappointed that their child decided to major in English or, egads, Philosophy....

That poor child, the child of a million parents ;)

This is why I always carry a freshly made Tupperware™ of Rice-a-Roni around in my purse.

Cormac Brown said...

It's the high sodium in Rice-a-roni, it vaguely reminds them of brains. I can hardly wait to see what starter sentence you are going to suggest for F-F-F #3. Crazy good, Randal, crazy good.

Christopher said...

It's true: some blogs are beyond saving. While some weren't even blogs to begin with. Still others manage to limp along, growing in size and audience.

What we need today is Wonder Woman.

I saw her on TMZ and not only did she look smokin' hot, she said she might be willing to get back into her uniform and take on the evil forces all around us.

At least she's not selling Sleep Number beds like the Bionic Woman.

Demeur said...

You're a strange bird Graves.

Hummm bird. Terradactyls. That's it. Terradactyls chasing gay zombies eating rice-a-roni in San Fran. Makes perfect sense.

La Belette Rouge said...

I have found my purpose in life, I am to inspire bouts of mind blowing fiction. If only that were a paying job. Well, the rewards of seeing your prose is enough to keep me rich in spirit if not in cash.

Let me suggest a part two involving Noodle-Roni, cable cars and Turtle Wax.

Sherry Peyton said...

Don't mind me, just looking for the translation manual for this blog. I think I left it under the couch, but all I found there was old dried up rice-a-roni. I cooked that once, sauteing it. It didn't turn out well, but I was only 12.

TomCat said...

I admit it. I'm lost.

Randal Graves said...

FB, I warned you all against science run amok!

Thanks for the tip, for nothing worries me more than the inevitable zombie apocalypse, and I don't own a gun, so...

cormac, thanks, and hahaha. You're not serious, are you? I don't handle pressure well.

christopher, I'm just glad all these forged checks to everyone still clear.

demeur, see? More science run amok. Next think you know, the great lakes will be overrun with fifty-foot sharks.

LBR, I pay in good vibes and YouTubes, and if anything is worth more than the American dollar, it's that. Right? Right.

sherry, I always make perfect sense, dammit.

tomcat, zombies, man, zombies! Or an accurate account of the Browns' second half adjustments.

Mary Ellen said...

No wonder you never see Zombie's in San Francisco, Rice-a-Roni! Damn, it all makes sense now.

Tom Harper said...

"will try and stem the tide crimson with the blood of failed posts from spiraling ever downward into further depths of banal, probably scarlet or maroon, internets mediocrity."

Ah, the painful task that befalls every blogger.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, there's a reason for everything. Never assume there are no zombies because the zombie virus didn't make it way there!

tom, why do you think I compensate by throwing up YouTubes and cheesecake?

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I was in a couple of movies-of-the-week with Lindsey Wagner, the bionic woman! She's really great - I think of her as the original Sarah Michelle Geller.

So there! There would be no Buffy if there had been no Lindsey.

Regards,

Tengrain

Hill said...

Confession time.

I have a girl crush on Ellen Fucking Ripley.

Most badass chica ever!

:)

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I was sort of hoping you'd work in something mildly disturbing about a midget ice queen with attitude and her Quickie Lube manager boyfriend.

No problem. I'll content myself by spending a moment or two contemplating the metaphorical possibilities in your third-eye reference.

Beach Bum said...

...you didn't just burn to a crisp that unholy zombie horde but my fucking restaurant, too...

If the restaurant happened to be one of the unholy Applebees that litter the country like an so many Wal-Marts I wouldn't mind.

susan said...

Is there any rice-a-roni left at all? The zombies are at my door and I fear I may be asking too late.

Übermilf said...

I'm bored and you have failed to entertain me with a new post.

Get to work.

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, I love me some Lindsey Wagner, so there yourself, you bastard!

hill, oh hell yeah, she completely tore it the fuck up in those flicks.

SWA, come on, you know I save those scripts for the porn industry.

BB, we have about 752 of those around here as well. I'm starting to wonder if they're more plentiful than Kwik-E-Marts.

susan, sure there is. $500 a box. Supply and demand. (do you think I'd make a good Fed chairman?)

übermilf, here we are now, who do I look like, Cobain? Offing oneself with a shotgun. You're supposed to drink yourself to death. Dumbass.

Cormac Brown said...

"You're not serious, are you? I don't handle pressure well."

You seem to be doing fine so far...

Cormac Brown said...

Oh, and, uh.

Anonymous said...

My friend and I were recently talking about how technology has become so integrated in our day to day lives. Reading this post makes me think back to that discussion we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.


I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Societal concerns aside... I just hope that as technology further advances, the possibility of downloading our memories onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could see in my lifetime.


(Posted on Nintendo DS running [url=http://cryst4lxbands.sosblog.com/-b/Will-the-R4-or-R4i-work-b1-p2.htm]R4 Card[/url] DS SerVo)