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Work that swanky monocle!

Actually, not until next Friday, International How Does It Feel Day -- if you're going to get righteously indignant, be ready for a month-long death metal jihad, just sayin' -- but since this is my last post until after the long holiday weekend unless I die then I hope to materialize enough ectoplasm to type from the beyond the grave, ooky spooky, I had decided to begin concocting brilliantly subversive plans to anatomically --

"Dr. Frankenstein, I presume?"

--shut up, Stanley, I mean, atomically and paradigmatically shift the chemical bonds of blogging molecules, conjuring such an ingenious orbit of various digital and prose media that you'd swear dark age alchemy was indeed as factually true as the leprechaun, but then I realized that I'm me, which means I am required by law to put up a picture of a scantily-clad chick and/or something stupid, accompanied by some mildly humorous verse, but then I realized what the fuck do I care, then I realized I really should get started on at least pretending to care about this research paper, then I realized this paragraph has, despite staying in the same ballpark frank, become the mustard, which I'm sure a lot of you don't like, but I love mustard -- much better than ketchup, even moreso than catsup -- so I'm going to sit here dreaming about mustard while you all do whatever it is that you do on weekends, just wipe up your own bodily fluids. Oh, that's right, a lot of you are also in long-term relationships. Wipe up your own cheese doodle dust off the couch cushions during commercials.
















Picture of a scantily-clad chick.


















Picture of something stupid.

This verse is mildly humorous
If your funny bone is humongous
Like a 1950s sci-fi man-eating fungus
That is trying to live among us
By abjuring chowing man, woman or pet.
Good luck with that, but don't hedge your bet
For after chomping the hedge -- roughage! -- oh, the table he'll set
with knife and fork and gooey innards, um, as dead as a New York Met.

P.S. Does anyone else get spam for Dish Porno?

"Read it again."

Oh. Dish Promo. That's decidedly less sexy, even with big savings.

155 comments:

sunshine said...

I like mustard too. Not without ketchup though! Both work as a team to make up a whole lotta yum! ;P

I'd comment on your poem but last week you shot me down when I did so I believe I will refrain from offering an opinion THIS week.

Humph!

((Hugs))
Laura
P.S. Enjoy your long weekend! :)

Christopher said...

I love mustard on burgers, ketchup on fries.

But I like salsa more than either.

I grew up in California where you eat salsa on scrambled eggs, on baked potatoes, with tortilla chips and out of the jar with a spoon.

Tom Harper said...

I can't believe you're actually celebrating this holiday weekend, which is a clandestine attempt to transform our great nation into a socialist "workers' paradise."

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Those boots were not made for walkin'.

Regards,

Tengrain

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, shot you down? I was ragging on my own crap. Just for that, no mustard for you!

christopher, salsa on baked potatoes? Over sour cream, butter, chives and bacon bits? Man, California is fucking weird.

tom, celebrating? Who told you such lies? We'll be busy all weekend working up a Wolverines!-themed tea party for 9/12. Tried getting Charlie Sheen as guest of honor, but I heard he's a pinko.

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, sure they were, walking to Randal's house, bien sûr!

Demeur said...

Salsa? Oh god get Christopher some sprouts too would you?

sunshine said...

Okay here's how it went down...from my angle.
You wrote a poem. Published it on your blog.
I came in, read it (over and over ..to make sure that I THOUGHT I knew what you were getting at).. commented that "hey.. I think I know what you're saying..love the poem".. (not a direct quote but still.. that's what I said).
You come in after me and say..(again not a direct quote).."Oh, that's just some crap I wrote on the bus this morning. It doesn't mean anything... you're stupid Laura for wasting your time trying to figure it out."....
:)

I know it takes guts to put your stuff on here, that it's not easy hearing what others think of it. But, it was like, you didn't want to hear that it was good. That I took the time to read it and try to understand it didn't matter.

I'm sorry if I took it the wrong way. That was just how I felt about it at the time. (still do).;)

Now this is what my 16 year old son says I should have written ...
"Suck it Donny! Next time I'm in Ohio, be lookin for a beat down."
(yeah, I'm don't know who Donny is either)

((Hugs))
Laura

Randal Graves said...

demeur, you guys are killing my carefully crafted worldview of the baked potato.

sunshine, now that's a radical interpretation of the text. I'm about as self-deprecating a dude as there is - this blog is ample proof of that - and I honestly don't think my stuff is all that good, though I do actually try and hone my craft, such as it is. I'm legitimately surprised when someone digs it and that's not just fishing for compliments with a cheap woe-is-me approach; there are simply so many more talented writers out there.

So, yes, you took it the wrong way. Please don't send the Canadian army to blow up Cleveland. But if the Donny refers to Osmond, fire away. ;-)

Beach Bum said...

Dish porno? I had to call those bastards up a couple years ago because they took the "adult movies" off pay-per-view. Now I have my 42" screen hooked up the computer with You Porn bookmarked.

sunshine said...

Okay Randal.
I forgive you.
:)
((Hugs))
Laura

Randal Graves said...

BB, normally I would cry foul, but since YouPorn is free - sure, you lose some production value - think of the boost to your bank account in this lousy economy!

sunshine, good, because after reading this, I really do fear the awesomely angry military might of the Great White North. ;-)

sunshine said...

Tee Hee!
What can I say? We're fuckin nuts!
*blushes*

((Hugs))
Laura

La Belette Rouge said...

It's Mr. Mustard with a monocle ogling a model and mocking a man in a mustard suit. Right?

Christopher said...

What happened to sprouts?

I used to see them in the produce section of supermarkets but no more. The classic avocado, tomato, sprouts, mayo and cheese sandwich on cardboard bread was all the rage at health food restaurants.

Utah Savage said...

Nice use of the word "abjuring" followed by "chowing." Man, you still got the goods. And it was all one sentence until "Picture of scantily-clad chick." I bow to your fancy wordsmithing and Proustian sentence structure.

Utah Savage said...

And now that I've gone back and read all the comments, I must say, I agree with Laura. You do not know how to take a fucking compliment. You are lousy at accepting praise. You are also unwilling to offer criticism to another writer even if that writer is begging for it you bastard. Oh yea, we see that you read the chapter in question and left a nice word or a few, but a compliment was not what I was asking for...still, I'd never say a compliment was not deserved if someone was nice enough to leave one, sort of, leave one, almost leave one, but whether or not deserved, probably meant, unless we're just a bunch of cowardly lying fucks...no offense meant...

sunshine said...

Ooooo Utah! You go girl! (thanks for having my back on this)

Randal~ We're just sayin....

((hugs))
Laura

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

oui, mais est-ce que le Dijon? non, mais seriousement... when I first started reading that incredibly long opening blurb, I thought you were channeling dear ole dubya in honor of the chance for that vacation week-end so near and dear to our hearts ... and all former prezzies with big texas ranches from which to rule the nation .... but then you got all spicy and shit so now I'm confused. which is normal for me when I come here. which I haven't done often enough lately. peut-etre j'ai UNE regrette, d'accord?! xx

Übermilf said...

You just missed it this year, but you can start planning for next year.

TomCat said...

Thanks or the visit Randal. You dazzled me. Is there a Nobel Prize or humor?

Demeur said...

Christopher that's so 80s.

Randal - far be it from me to break your spud bubble. Be a purist if you must but there are some with bizarre tastes. Me? I'm like you nothing more than sour cream or butter anything more is.. well you get it.

Holte Ender said...

My eyes are not what they were, but that sure looks like Alec Baldwin in the mustard suit.

susan said...

If it's done with confidence you can pull off anything - even if you have no Clue what you're doing.

Congrats Randal. See? Yet another compliment for your disdain. Just trying to be helpful..

Freida Bee, MD said...

I bow at Utah's mastery in sliding you compliments disguised as insults. Bravo dear, Utah. Plus, it's been far too long since we made out.

And, heelllloo, the mustard elephant in the room?

Why has not one mentioned that the scantily clad woman is WEARING MUSTARD BOOTS?

Randal is going to eat her. He opened with a hostile threat of heavy metal the rest of the month, and now she is in danger and he thought he was so clever none of us would even suspect his Dahmer ass. It's always the quiet ones. They're like wild animals. Chupacabras even. Rrrarr.

Freida Bee, MD said...

I'm very busy here, correcting the sign that goes on the front door in which someone spelled entrance as "enterence." I wish I worked in a library and could wear glasses and put my long hair up and wear those pencil skirts.... Wait, what was I doing?

S.W. Anderson said...

Let me compliment Randal, who regularly outperforms by selecting great illustrations. And in this post, one very cleverly based on a fairy tale from French literature, no less.

A dollop of Gulden's finest for our host.

Snave said...

It's getting close to dinner time, and I was getting hungry, even more so with the gratuitous picture of skin, but when I looked at the picture of Larry Bird in the yellow suit... suddenly it all seemed so futile.

Randal Graves said...

LBR, that mustard suit is the weapon. I'd rather get shot with the revolver!

christopher, they still sell sprouts around here, but man, a sandwich has to have some dead animal parts on it, grilled cheese excepted.

utah, I saw that you slapped up the next chapter promise to offer some constructive criticism. However, if I enjoy, as a reader, the chapter essentially as is - you know I dig your rambling style - I'm not going to invent a critique because it's socially acceptable.

Nice job of buttering me up before the verbal assault, by the way.

sunshine, don't you have a mock Afghan battle to get ready for?

JNRR, well, unlike most of us forever doomed to be happily stuck in our rut, you're actually trying to have an enjoyable life. You just better have shots of your Paris trip up!

übermilf, I'm never making fun of Wisconsin again.

tomcat, if there is, I hope the winner drops the envelope full of prize money on the sidewalk in front of my house.

demeur, that sandwich is frightening. Discounting the avocado, I like all of those things - okay, no cardboard, either - but a sandwich should satisfy the gut.

holte, separated at birth, Alec Baldwin and Bob Huggins. Both have thrown tantrums, so it only strengthens the case.

susan, I didn't hear it over my groaning at your pun. La la la la.

FB, since who made out, you and Utah or you and I? And thank you! The reason I chose that shot instead of the woman in the hot pink ones. That's more of a Zaius go-go look anyway.

C'mon, I gave up cannibalism when I was rescued from that tropical island. See if I get you that library job now. Hmph!

SWA, nice try, but thanks to dexterous maneuvering, my keyboard remains safe from flying coffee.

snave, I thought Pitino's red numbers were creepy, but what puts this over the top are the mustard shoes. Maybe he's got a side gig at the circus.

TomCat said...

...wonders if Randal has checked the sidewalk this morning. It that happened at my place, it would be gone before I could get to it.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Whoa, who's the guy in the yellow suit and how did he get ahold of Johnnie Cochran's old clothing?

Dr. Zaius said...

Why would a large bone be like a man-eating fungus? Is that a trick question?

I love mustard as well, despite it not being a presidential vegetable.

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