Thursday, September 10, 2009

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here*

In the midway of this our televised life,
I found me on a gloomy couch, astray
Gone from the path direct: and e'en to tell
It were no easy pizza roll, how savage wild
That September, how robust and rough its games,
Which to remember only, my dismay
Renews, in bowls of chips not far from my picks.

"You lie!"

They're right here. Sheesh.

AFC East: New England. Why? The All-American All-Pro of Professional Allness is back from horizontally bopping supermodels -- knee injury, right -- the Dolphins are a nothing but a mirage from a genie's bad acid trip, the Jets, even with Snarlin' Bart and the 385th attempt at Broadway Joe II (oh, Kenny O, how close you were), are a work in progress and Let's Go Buffalo are a submediocre collection of has-beens, never-will-bes, role players and The Narcissist.

AFC North: All Pittsburgh has to do is keep Roethlisberger upright -- but please stop calling him Big Ben, a misguided token of esteem, unless you want to ignore his perennially, um, bad, bad decision percentage. Look, Jim Plunkett won two rings as well, just sayin' -- and they'll cruise on the back of their monster defense. Baltimore is Pittsburgh, Jr. (where else but here can you get such stellar insights?), the Bengals are processed chicken with the part of the Colonel played by My Arm's In A Slingin' Carson Palmer. There's a sick rumor making the rounds that Cleveland has an NFL team, but I've seen no proof.

AFC South: Indianapolis, because they have the best quarterback in the division, by far. Watch former THE Ohio State University receiver Anthony Gonzalez blow up. Sure, losing Stampy will hurt, but talk about regressing to the mean; no way the Titans go 13-3 again, too much has to go Jesusy. Jacksonville got blistered by injuries last year (by December, their o-line was gum, rubber bands and MacGyver's mullet) and that won't happen again (noticing a theme? Just playing the odds) and poor, poor Houston, destined to win 7-9 games when they could win 10 or 11 if they played in the shithole known as the NFC West.

AFC West: San Diego in a laughter-filled laugher. The other three teams should be glad the NFL doesn't have relegation.

NFC East: The Giants because they still have the most talented group of 53 in the NFC. The Dog Whisperer will mostly be a non-factor, but even with Jim Johnson's retirement to the cold, cold earth, they'll still blitz like motherfuckers. Sure, Plastic Surgery's Team is playmaking at running back, but they always choke in December on both sides of the ball. Always (at least since 1997, which was an entire century ago). Washington, good job with Five Year Plan no. 3.

NFC North: Green Bay because Aaron Rodgers will throw fewer picks than Favre. If only the Norsemen had the current Packer QB, then I'd be saying enjoy South Beach in February. The Bears? Sure, they have a shot if the receivers can 1)hang on the to ball and 2)put up with Cutler's whining. The Lions are the Lions, but rest easy, Detroit, at least they're not the Browns.

NFC South: Every year one of these fuckers goes from worst to first, but I say this year, dammit, New Orleans shoots that trend [brain note: "they did finish last, you moron."] [ed. note: oops] in the skull with a twelve gauge and finally plays stomach-churning defense (it's been the vomit-up-blood variety, so this is an upgrade) to help out their serial killing offense. Who doesn't want to see Drew Brees flinging it 40 times a game? Atlanta isn't a fluke, but look for Michael Turner to suffer The Curse of 370. Did you see the Panthers' defense down the stretch last year? That's their big problem, not the annual Delhomme meltdown. As for Tampa, when does Freeman start, week seven, eight?

NFC West: Seattle, because some sacrificial lamb has to take the division. Transmuting into such a gooey pile of torn ligaments and cracked bones won't happen again, but neither will the Cardinals' otherworldly run. Talk about an extraterrestrial flukeworm. They gave up four hundred twenty-six points and I'm not seeing LT time traveling to town. En plus, Kurt 3.0 is due for his semiannual deprogramming. The Niners and Rams suck until contrary evidence comes to light.

AFC playoff seeds: San Diego, New England, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Baltimore and, someone crazy, why not Jacksonville, though don't sleep on the Texans.

NFC playoff seeds: N.Y. Giants, Seattle, Green Bay, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Minnesota.

Super Bowl: fuck if I know. New England over, oh, the Giants. Belichick's revenge. He might even shake hands this time unless blinded by basking in his own hoodie hubris.

*especially you, Utah, since it's a sports post. Just remember, suffering builds character. So start building. Don't forget your hardhat, I don't want to get sued.


sunshine said...

Is that a picture of you or Satan watching the tv in hell?
I just skimmed over the rest ..sorry. :)

P.S. I enjoyed your serenade very much. Next time try not to show so much clevage when you lean in.. It's not good to give it all away at once.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I'm glad to see you are giving Mrs. Graves a rest.



Übermilf said...

I wish you would talk about California assemblymen and their spanking of the lobbyists and such.

Beach Bum said...

Hey, I have the "honor" of the "You lie" guy being my congressman. I could say much more but that butthole explains himself so well.

Holte Ender said...

I'm a Kansas City Chiefs fan, stop laughing, I lived in Missouri during the 90s when they were almost a good team, and they will be almost a good team again.

My other team is Cleveland, because of the Randy Lerner connection, he also owns my No. 1 favorite sports team in the world, Aston Villa.

So it is my duty to predict Chiefs v. Browns for the AFC Championship game. You can start laughing again.

Mary Ellen said...

Glad I didn't bother reading the sports page in the Trib today, you've got it all summed up nicely.

Satan looks kind of bored in that picture, though. Maybe you can spice up his life a little some eye candy for the gals who visit here, make them think some dirty thoughts. Just sayin'....

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, even I'm more handsome than the devil. And I'm sorry, but when you've got it, you flaunt it. ;-)

tengrain, if you knew what I had to put up with, you'd retract that statement faster than Joe Wilson.

übermilf, I dig perversion as much as the next guy, but dirty old Congressmen? Yuck.

BB, I'm starting to think that your state might have the highest per capita of oversexed politicians.

holte, oh hell, between the Marty connection, I feel your pain, so I would never laugh at a Chiefs fan.
However, I will laugh at the notion of a Kansas City/Cleveland conference title tilt. Have you been drinking?

nunly, is Chi-cah-go overzealous in their playoff prognostication?

And how would lusting up you chicks help Old Scratch when he's stuck in a lake of ice?

Holte Ender said...

After I posted I remembered the Marty connection, but also the Elway beast. He did both teams in.

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- Well duh! Of course they are! :-D

And could never go wrong with lusting up the chicks on this blog because (maybe I shouldn't speak for all the women on this blog) but that's what we come here for, kiddo.

Tom Harper said...

Caption for the 2nd photo: "Ugghh!!! I can't move my right arm!"

Beach Bum said...

"oversexed politicians"? Not really, but inbred politicians, that's a different story.

Übermilf said...

I would also like to know if you prefer marshmallows or whipped cream on your hot chocolate.

Demeur said...

My love of sports here is wanning. Send us your rookies and we'll send you back a superstar then when he's washed up we'll buy him back. A deal you can't lose.

TomCat said...

AFC West: San Diego in a laughter-filled laugher. The other three teams should be glad the NFL doesn't have relegation.

You're right :'-(

Dr. Zaius said...

Did you mean, "gloomy couch, astray" or "gloomy couch ashtray"?

Hill said...

You lie!


Even for a repuke, Wilson's outburst was beyond the pale.

He apologized, but he's been on the shows today saying yes, he apologized but he was right.


p.s. Wish Blogger comments had a little red-faced pissed off smiley...

S.W. Anderson said...

On opening the page and seeing the classic greeting on the business side of the River Styx, I sensed a warning. Sure enough, a clever, poetic weaving of food, fools and their foolishness all too quickly deteriorated to . . . AFC-A-Rama.

Kind of like munching a fortune cookie, then reading, "Fortified with melamine for keeping freshness."

La Belette Rouge said...

You have an unparalleled ability to make extraordinary transitions from one topic to the other. When you started I NEVER imagined you were going to end up with football. Want a pizza roll?

Randal Graves said...

holte, don't get me started on that sumbitch.

nunly, are you suggesting I turn this family-friendly blog into some hedonistic porn site? That's a good idea, I could use some extra income.

tom, is he channeling Bob Dole?

BB, your state frightens me.

übermilf, marshmallows. Whipped cream is for the bedroom, don't be silly.

demeur, you don't want three future first round picks, a six pack and a sandwich as well?

tomcat, still, your Broncos would have a shot at the tier two title. The Browns would be relegated even further.

dr.zaius, I don't smoke unless the kitchen is on fire from my cooking.

hill, hey, the dude is probably under a lot of stress. I imagine he has a few spanking affairs he's trying to keep under wraps.

SWA, just so you know, there's a 10th circle reserved for sports haters. The power of Rozelle compels you!

LBR, I know, it's so unlike me to end up talking about sports, isn't it? Pizza rolls make a healthy breakfast.

Dr. Zaius said...

So you do smoke, kitchenwise.