Friday, September 18, 2009

I'm (not) the decider

"Can I use The Google to see when Palin was the governor of Guam?"

Actually having an idea more than five minutes before I post something is pretty much a rarity and today, I had two of them. Of course, ready never presages quality and that was certainly the case here and forevermore, but you shouldn't misunderestimate the extreme lunacy of said situation.

Imagine a Cleveland sports team winning a championship.
Imagine a Congress that told their owners to fuck off.
Imagine a zombie who preferred rice pilaf to human brains.
Imagine a man who never used the internets to surf for porn.
Imagine a patron who spoke quietly on his/her cell.
Imagine that same patron speaking with clarity to me.
Imagine Sisyphus rolling that rock down the other side.
Imagine Hitler going back in time to save his own brain.
Imagine a stop to that overrated song ever being played again.

"You know the rabid Beatles' nuts will come out of the woodwork frothing at the mouth and soiling their linen, raging to smite you silly."

Stones were better. Bring it on.

"Going to post either of those *chortle* brilliant ideas?"


"At least you didn't post any of your bad verse."

Exactly. No one chokes on their own vomit and some doofi (classier than doofuses, don't you think?) will still end up commenting on this substanceless slice of tripe pie. Randal 1, the rest of you chumps 0.

I say chumps lovingly.


Mary Ellen said...

Go ahead and call me a "doofi" for commenting on this thread, but at least I'm a loyal doofi.

What would I do without Randal to start my morning off with visions of heads exploding, dark verse, and the word vomit to spice up my morning breakfast?

susan said...

Congratulations and felicitations for maintaining the energy levels to post anything on days without any particular inspirational root. Another grateful doofa (feminine form) salutes you.

ps: I liked your play on 'Imagine'

Holte Ender said...

Sisyphus might have enjoyed seeing rock going down the other side, I know I used to.

The Stones improved dramatically when they stopped being a cover band, although some of my favorite stones records are covers i.e. "Route 66" and "Carol" and "It's All Over Now". The first 4 or 5 Stones singles were all covers. The Beatles are very underrated. Imagine isn't a Beatles song.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, we should get t-shirts made up. ;-)

susan, I actually did have stuff, but they sucked, this this even more sucky post. And thanks, but I should have made it rhyme.

holte, I know it's Lennon solo - I don't live in a cave, but on a rocky outcropping - but I just love needling Beatles' zealots.

Mary Ellen said...

nunly, we should get t-shirts made up. ;-)

LOL! Great idea! this a precursor to a wet t-shirt contest?

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Now you've done it! Beatles zombies will come after you now, but I know how to repel them:

"It's only rock and roll but I like it!"

They scatter like cockroaches when the lights come on in Cleveland.



TomCat said...

Waves at Nunly!!

Imagine a Republican with compassion.

La Belette Rouge said...

I think that your imagine rant was in fact the first version of John Lennon's hit. He ultimately decided on a rewrite that wouldn't get him exported back to Liverpool.
p.s. I would love to see a zombie movie about a zombie in search of Rice-A-Roni.

themom said...

DOOFI'S UNITE!!! I'm still trying to envision the zombies and rice pilaf!!!! Cleveland - winning a championship, surely you jest. (I have an affinity for Cleveland as my son got an excellent education there.) Have a great weekend Randal!

Randal Graves said...

nunly, you presume sexual deviance on my part? That hurts.

tengrain, now they're going to come after you! But that's alright, the library has fluorescent bulbs, suckers!

tomcat, I usually imagine those with leprechauns and Sasquatch.

LBR, smart move as Liverpool is essentially the Cleveland of England.

P.S. You just gave me an idea for the conclusion of the next installment of Flash Friday Fiction. Do I owe you royalties?

themom, each of us will have our brains in magical flying jars before a Cleveland team wins anything.

Tom Harper said...

Hey, quit needling the Beatles :)

I liked the Stones' earliest work the best -- their first 2 albums. When Satisfaction first came out, I thought "shit, they can do better than this." They became has-beens IMHO. But "Time Is On My Side," "Heart of Stone," "Last Time," "It's All Over Now" -- those songs just killed.

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- Sexual deprivation isn't just presumed, it's expected and welcomed. :-)

Tomcat- Waving right back at ya, kiddo! Glad you're back you ol' tomcat, you! ;-)

Übermilf said...

How close is Pittsburgh to you? You could just pretend their football team belongs to you.


Both the Beatles and Stones stole a lot of their stuff from little old blues musicians, but only the Stones came to Muddy Waters's funeral to pay their respects. (Led Zepplin didn't show up, either.

I forget the other stuff you wrote.

That Face! said...

The stones were better?


thy name is Graves.

I don't know you anymore...

Randal Graves said...

tom, you're tear at my soul with such blasphemy.

nunly, whew! I didn't want lightning to smite me. ;-)

übermilf, Pittsburgh? Might as well as me to vote Republican, slash my wrists and wear a tutu.

Zeppelin were tight with the Big Evil Cheese, so why go to a funeral where the cold cuts would probably suck when you can get filet mignon from Lucifer himself.

TF, yes, THE STONES! And The Kinks! And The Who! Wallow in your strawberry fields, you goddamn hippies, I'll be boozing it up in the shadows, muahahahaha, etc.

Demeur said...

That does it ! We'll run him over with the Sargent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band and smack him in the head with a Rubber Soul.
We'll make him an honorary Steelers fan. How do "youns" guys like that? They'd take him down to the river and set it on fire.. again.

Beach Bum said...

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around.
But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down.

Saturday morning kid's shows about fake musicians ruined my musical taste.

Imagine a South Carolina news story that doesn't embarrass the state.

sunshine said...

Okay. I left a comment earlier, my computer crashed and I was so ANGRY!!
What did I say? What did I say???
Hmmm... it was clever too!
Shaddup! It was...

Oh yeah!
Why don't you start cheering for Canadian Football teams?
The Toronto Argo's???
Go Argo's!! Go Argo's !!!

How did that feel?? Good???
Wear it for awhile, see how it fits.

I liked the Beatles and the Stones.
There was just something so super sexy about John Lennon though.
I remember seeing a clip of them playing "Twist and Shout". He had his legs apart.. playing his guitar...bending his knees a little... it. was. so. sexy! I'm not ashamed to say I'd do him.
He's dead but.. I'd do him. :)


MRMacrum said...

It would be easier for me to imagine a patron speaking quietly into their cell, than imagine me sitting quietly in my cell. Unless I had porn of course. Then it wouldn't matter whether the surf was up or not. My board is always waxed and ready.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, I thought you peace-loving hippies were supposed to be, well, peaceful. Maybe Nixon was right and you guys DID lose Nam, warmongering acid trippers!

BB, I actually watched reruns of that show on MTV when I was a kid. I hope that doesn't put me in the same category as a South Carolina politician.

sunshine, using all the powers of my mind, I saw your vanished comment, and it was spectacular.

Root for a Canuck football team? Those communists only have three downs! That makes the Super Magical Jesus Baby cry like Glenn Beck.

Why you little necrophiliac slut. ;-)

mrmacrum, I think you might win this comment thread with that entry. Of course, there are no prizes except eternal internets glory.

TomCat said...

Thanks Nunly! Good to be back.

OK, Randal. I tried to imagine the unimaginable.

The Cunning Runt said...

I refuse to comment on this thread, for no particular goddam reason.

Except, imagine Kieth Richards being still alive in 2009.

Oh wait, he is!!!