Saturday, September 26, 2009

Drunk blogging isn't as sexy as it sounds

For quality control purposes, I like to limit my posting to one a day and this is the part where I'd normally type my imaginary brain's imaginary lines of grade Z snark such as "back to the drawing board" which is doubly funny because as I admitted in print (electrons?) the other day, I cannot draw. Yes, the title is in fact not misleading because I'm actually a few shades to the shade 'cause it's just me home tonight I think the kids are at grandmas and my sometimes-better-half is probably searching for a rich and handsome man of which both things I am not and after working for hours upon hours at the library today I stupidly didn't recharge the don't-set-humans-on-fire portion of my cerebral kotex -- now that's funny -- when I exited the wheelie bus -- sorry, no tales for thee, fairest lords and ladies, verily I shalt trieth hardereth nexteth timeth keeps on slippingeth slippingeth into the futureth -- but worked some more on my paper but then I said fuck it and am on I don't know which glass of not cheap but not expensive white wine, why does that always sound higher class than it is, years of subconscious societal conditioning I guess I'm not high class trust me. I did this once before, boozing and blogging, not just boozing, and it was a big chart-topping (is that one word usually?) hit I'm not looking for the link find it yourself if you want and I decided to start working on hot flash fiction don't worry it's pretty coherent at least in comparison to this and one thing led to another and I ended up naked while surfing for porn. Just kidding about the first part. Now I have to find a suitable photo as always and correct all the typos, surprisingly not many because I'm not THAT blitzed and I'm still pretty good at typing while fucked up but I'm not picking that famous shot of the thong-ed chick passed out because I'm not a chick and don't wear any underwear. Just kidding, of course I wear thongs. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and go what the fuck were you thinking you doofus, and all the other doofi will laugh but then I laugh at their laughing and since my powers of laughter are laughably bigger, laughably like ha ha ha oh fuck when you throw up that cheap useless defense mechanism in the face of imminent death like by acid-blooded aliens, zombies or Congress, then I will emerge victorious from the battle crown royale but I'm not wearing tights. A cape, maybe, but only if it comes with a matching scepter so I can clock fuckers on the skull. Okay so I lied about the picture but at least I didn't use the morans one so leave your barbs and leers I can take it because I love you all except all of you, that's like a fucking paradox wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.


sunshine said...

Holeeee shit!
Ummmm.. Mrs. Graves... you're needed at home. STAT!

First of all. That poor girl! I mean really... who among us hasn't been *there*? Okay so..not you, not you .. not you? Really..? I could have sworn I saw you in a ditch last weekend.

You know I would *totally* take advantage of you in your thong/cape wearing drunken state right?
I thought you were supposed to be working on a porn script for us. Totally fictional of course as we live in different countries and are both married. At least our fictional selves will be getting some... :)
Now stop drinking and get to work.

Don't make me cross lake Erie boy! I had to spend the evening listening to my Mother in law bitch.. I'm not in a good mood. :)


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You didn't save any for me? Where are your manners?



Mary Ellen said...

Oh started drinking without me, and by now you're probably passed out and I didn't have a chance to take advantage of you while you're drunk. Dammit, Randal! A little warning next time!

Demeur said...

Bar tender cut him off and call him a cab. Okay "you're a cab now go to bed."

susan said...

So how cheap was that white and let me guess its name:

White Trashfindel?
Grape Expectations?
World Championship Riesling?
Nasty Spumante?

No, wrong, all wrong.. I've got it! You've been drinking that old favorite I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar.

Just wait til you check the bottle tomorrow.

MRMacrum said...

"A glass of white wine" has been given a higher class ranking because usually when a wine drinker pukes, they puke on more expensive shoes than a Bubba does when he tosses up sour Bud on his already stained with deer blood Redwing work boots. Or maybe it's the kinder and gentler eruption of wine coming up compared to the often still carbonated violence of one fresh beer too many refusing to settle down.

Writing shitfaced may not be sexy, but it can be a blast when one finds just the right words, like you just did.

Übermilf said...

How are you feeling this morning, sweetie? Ever hear of Chelada? Does that sound good to you right about now?

And you admitted you love us. Ha ha.

Beach Bum said...

Great writing no matter the state of inebriation and after all my years living in the mist of classical and neo rednecks why couldn't I ever stumble across some chick like that passed out on a picnic table.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, a ditch? I'm much classier than that. I like to pass out in bars (not really).

You'll have to give me some time on that story, rounding up a big enough supply of powder blue leisure suits, daisy dukes and astroglide is more difficult than I had imagined. ;-)

tengrain, hey man, blame your Zombies!

nunly, sorry, the perils of being Facebook-less. ;-)

demeur, boo! hiss! hiss! I need some rotten tomatoes.

susan, those are bloody awful. The names, not the wine.

mrmacrum, luckily, I didn't make it to the vomit stage, but if I had, at least I would've chucked my up on bare feet and hardwood, much easier to clean up and de-stinkify than footware.

übermilf, that and a nice, greasy breakfast served in a dirty ashtray. But I also simultaneously hate you all. You see my dilemma.

BB, I imagine your finds are more along the lines of Large Marge and the McGuire twins.

S.W. Anderson said...

Re: the illustration. I hope splinters weren't an issue.

Distributorcap said...

i dont suppose she completed in the sack races?

Lisa said...

Where's the picture of you in tights?

Randal Graves said...

SWA, that never occurred to me. Ouch.

dcap, I think she won, that's why she's tired, that last victory lap was the killer.

lisa, that's the bonus gift if you subscribe now, only $999.99!

TomCat said...

Randal, are you saking that you have actuaqlly blogged while sober? ;-)

okjimm said...

//verily I shalt trieth hardereth nexteth timeth keeps on slippingeth slippingeth into the futureth //

foresoothe &shit... beware old Steve Miller albums.

& I kinda liked Susan's wines.

Dr. Zaius said...

It's only a paradox if they are both quacking.

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