Thursday, September 24, 2009

Naked In Front of the Computer

Naked in front of the coffee table, actually. Since you're no doubt curious as to the intimate details of such erotic -- and legal -- nudity (I was in my own home, after all) let me whisper precisely what I mean, sweet things.

Sadly, it didn't involve fucking of any sort, sadly.

"You typed sadly twice."

Sadly, I had *gasp* left my black notebook on my desk at work. Doesn't get much more naked than that, mes amis. You have to understand, my entire rut physical existence consists of being either at home with my lunatic family, at the library with insane patrons or on the way to and from the library with madcap pedestrians and transportationistas, some of whom smell like pumpkin guts n' smokes and this black notebook is in close proximity 100% of the time. Linus had his blanket, John Wayne Gacy had his rotting corpses, I have my black notebook chock full of every poorly-written line of the recent past, uncounted story ideas that do nothing but decay on the page, Goya-esque doodles if Goya was talentless (I can't draw worth a lick). In short, the spilt blood of the self.

Anyway, in the middle of a Simpsons rerun, a terrible line pops in my head and, my hand passing by a pristine stack of loose leaf --

"The parchment of the unwashed masses? Elitist fuck."

Dude, it's a 99 cent notebook. Where the pages can't get lost. Gee, you're dumb.

"Then so are you."

Can't talk now. I have to go clock myself on the noodle.


Übermilf said...

I hired some Ninjas to steal your notebook. Now you'll never see it again.

I fed it to some squirrels.

Sherry Peyton said...

Finally, a post even I can understand. Thanks for the info, I definitely need a notebook buddy to write down my ideas. They do come at the oddest time. And you are very right, often it is but a line that is too intriguing to miss. I've accused the Contrarian of being a media whore, tempting me with outrageous statements lately, in an effort to be the feature story in yet another blog post. And as to the nudity? what the bleep had that to do with the story. If you do that regularly, then I get why your family is lunatic-ey. Oh and the image of Linus and John Gacy together is ....priceless.

sunshine said...

I have a notebook too. Not to write down anything creative of course. I'll leave that to you... :)
Mine has everyone's address, phone #'s, things I have to do that day.. things I need to buy... kids activities etc. If I don't write that down (and I too only have a $1 book)... it's lost forever in the deep empty cave that I call my mind.

That's too bad your nudity didn't involve fucking. I think you should write a story about that. Fictional of course as you ARE married. :)


Christopher said...

John Wayne Gacy.

Now there's one crazy son-of-a-bitch. I've always heard living in Illinois can make a person nuts but Gacy made Charles Manson look and sound sane.

One of the creepiest things about this sick fucker is he was named "outstanding vice-president" of the Waterloo Jaycees in 1967!

I almost wish they didn't put put him to death. That level of depravity needs to be studied and better understood.

Holte Ender said...

If John Wayne Gacy had been named Burt Lancaster Gacy instead, he probably would have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, given that I have my notebook sitting about 2 inches from my keyboard, you might want to think about getting a refund.

sherry, like any good post can't be helped with a little nudity. Don't worry, not even my wife likes seeing me nude.

sunshine, hey, lists are important. Without those, I forget to buy ketchup and cheez whiz!

Why would I write a fictional story about being naked without fucking, wink, nudge and all that? ;-)

christopher, he's certainly on the short bus for craziest fuckers. And that's another reason to be against the death penalty, gotta know thy enemy, to whatever extent one could with that loon.

holte, don't you mean Henry Kissinger Gacy?

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I can relate to your feelings of nakedness without your notebook. I'm almost as bad if I have to go any length of time without a PC of some sort within easy reach.

Just be glad what you left out on your desk wasn't a laptop loaded with top-secret library system info, your cache of winning lottery numbers or, worse, unflattering observations about your boss and co-workers.

Of course, your notebook doesn't contain unflattering observations about your boss and co-workers — does it?

Demeur said...

Well I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Randal had to grab his chicken and wing it.

jin said...

After reading your title I almost jumped into the comment section shouting
"I am! I am!"
(because I almost always am ;-)
but then I realized that wasn't the point of your post.

Mary Ellen said...

I learned never to write my thoughts down on paper when my brother swiped my diary when I was in high school and sold it by the sheet to his grungy little friends. I still don't talk to him that much, and when he does visit, I don't let him out of my sight, the sneaky bastard.

Thanks for the imaginary fun naked thoughts, though. I appreciate that. :-)

Randal Graves said...

SWA, are you kidding? I keep that notebook at home.

demeur, zing! Will you be here all week and should we enjoy the veal?

jin, going by your avatar, I never would have guessed that you're a grade A pervert.

nunly, the diary of a catholic school girl? That'd be like reading Penthouse Forum.

Imaginary are the best kind, I can pretend I'm handsome. ;-)

sunshine said...

Ketchup and cheese whiz? Are you sure you're not Canadian? Hmmm... you ARE very close to Canada though, aren't you? ...

I meant, and I'll admit, I did not express myself well... I meant that you should write a story about naked fucking... then I said it would be fictional because you are married. You would have to have an imaginary girlfriend or something like that...
*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*....
Don't lie. I know it would be me. :) Lucky for you I'm available. For imagination purposes only of course.. I AM married.


TomCat said...

OK, who has a sheet of Nunly's diary for sale? ;-)

Übermilf said...

Ninja bastards! I'll get you for this!

Tom Harper said...

Excellent Faith No More video.

Dusty said...

what no sports???

Beach Bum said...

A couple of years ago I kept my stories and stuff on the harddrive of the old computer, until my son downloaded a primitive 1980's like tank game that had a nasty virus piggybacking on it. Lost everything cause like a dumb ass I didn't back anything up.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, I think all that secondhand pot smoke has warped my brain.

Are you saying you want to help me write my story? Boom-chicka-wow-wow-wow.

I don't have to wear a porn moustache, do I? ;-)

tomcat, check ebay. ;-)

übermilf, you should have guessed that *I* would have hired the Baltimore Samurai!

tom, that's a great track. Album of the Year, if false advertising, is fucking underrated.

dusty, Indians will probably lose 100, the Browns are a joke and the Cavs haven't started yet. What do you suggest I write about? C'mon.

BB, I hate to say I hope you learned your lesson, well, you can figure out the rest. Flash drives and google docs for finished stuff.

Dusty said...

But still love sports..and that's all that matters..

Think of the Cub's fans..those poor sot's always get hosed every year.

My Padres suck worse than the Indians I bet. ;p

Randal Graves said...

Of course I do, but fuck the Cubs fans. What, we should ignore the White Sox, the Bulls, the Bears? I've got no sympathy for other cities, none, nada, zip, zero, nyet, nein, non, nihil.

And your Padres have some young talent. We've got a bunch of AAA dudes masquerading as major leaguers. ;-)

Dusty said...

Oh my, the vitriol! ;p

TomCat said...


Dr. Zaius said...

I think Francis is a senator now, isn't he?

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