Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Flash! Aa-ah! King of the impossible!

"The idea of this blog being good is what's impossible."

"A site as merciless as Ming himself."

Via Cormac via Freida Bee via dolorosa. Don't scoff, you'd be feeling some Semper Dowland, Semper Dolens nailing through your flesh all the way to the marrow -- watch out for infection -- after reading this tripe, natch, noob. Leet lute!

Stop me before I date again because g-string fantasies habitually stripped away by g-rated routine only leave me with an x-rated mouth and catching Zs alone. Hey, masturbating is hard work. Didja catch that, wink, nudge? I could go for a hot fudge sundae, except for the fact I've no lady to lick the whipped cream off of. It's my flash fiction and I'll end a sentence with a preposition if I want to, end a sentence with a preposition if I want to, end a sentence with a preposition if I want to, you would end a sentence with a preposition too if not having mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex happened to you.

What, you thought there'd be more? What do I look like, a guy who's not married? I've got weeds to pull and lawns to mow and garbage to drag to the curb and laundry to fold but don't worry, I always wash my hands after getting splashed by dirty garbage water so those whites will stay their brightest.

The End?


Beach Bum said...

Cool! I'm first today because my son as of two hours ago was diagnosed with H1N1.

Beach Bum said...

...so I'm stuck at home. (Sorry about the break, Damncat stepped on the keyboard.)

...mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex happened to you

For such sex, which is only a myth in my book, I would end my writings in prepositions, split infinitives, and that damn passive voice my word processor freaks over.

Holte Ender said...

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put

With thanks to WSC.

Mary Ellen said...

...mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex happened to you

The Catholic Church won't let us have that kind of sex, and the nuns would never let us end our words in prepositions. And we can't masturbate without fear of blindness. We are an oppressed group, which may explain why our priests wear lace and our nuns are so freakin' mean.

Mary Ellen said...

Beach Bum- Man, sorry to hear about your son! Poor kid...damned commies brought that disease here, I just know it. :-(

Randal Graves said...

BB, hey, don't be coming here and infecting us! (seriously, I hope he gets better quick. What kind of funky crap do they have him taking?)

And you just made the English Teachers Association, if there is such a thing, cry.

holte, and murdered them did just you.

nunly, see, this is why nuns should put out more. Well, not the ones I had growing up, certainly not a babe among them. In fact, I think Sister Marie Gabriel was indeed an actual zombie.

sunshine said...

mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex

Ooooooo!!!! That sounds ... awesome! :)
It sounds like you're doing all of the work at your house. If my husband did all of those things, I'd give him mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex for sure. I might even leave him $50 on the bedside table afterwards for being such a good boy! :)


sunshine said...

Hey Beach!
I hope that your son feels better soon! Sorry to hear that he's not well. :(


Demeur said...

Oh my reduced to sex and violence. As Robin Williams says " if you can't fuck it then kill it". It's the American way you know ".

Cormac Brown said...

I loved it, though you better watch out for my sister-in-law that teaches English Composition at Adelphi!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

...mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex happened to you

Be careful, you'll need glasses.



Doc said...

This is a great story but it needs some soft moody bongos in the background because in beat poetry you can get away with anything as long as you have bongos or a lonesome sounding saxaphone.

Congrats on a great tale!

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, it's not as if laundry is a great task. I save that for Sundays and it helps keep my mind from thinking too much about the shitty Browns, but I repeat myself.

That said, I should have you speak to my sometimes-better-half. I'd even settle for just the 50 bucks. ;-)

demeur, very true. The late, great Carlin's take on prostitution is also astute: selling is legal, fucking is legal, why isn't selling fucking legal?

cormac, thanks, but please don't ever direct her here, she might send some paramilitary squad of angry grammarians after me!

tengrain, strange, my wife always says she needs hers, I wonder why.

doc, and don't forget the coup-de-grace, having Shatner read it. Now that would be a dream come true.

Tom Harper said...

"If you can't fuck it then kill it." Good ol' Robin Williams.

TomCat said...

Randal, if you were married, you'd still have all the same chores... just twice an much. ;-)

okjimm said...

//mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex //

OK. as previously pointed out..... but is it environmentally, green-friendly, recyclable sex? Youse gotz to 'manage' your resources. Just saying!

Übermilf said...

I am irrationally furious at you for a)not realizing where this originally came from, and b) NEVER PARTICIPATING IN IT WHEN I TRIED to RESURRECT IT.

I will be mad at you for 5 minutes now. Maybe even 7.

Randal Graves said...

tom, I heard he's a communist.

tomcat, I am married, thus, the whining. ;-)

okjimm, oh hell no. Hippies use baby oil, we use light crude.

übermilf, ahem.

Oh, and double ahem, thief. I will now be mad at you for 5-7 minutes, until crispy on both sides.

Übermilf said...

I think it's been 7 minutes.

Randal Graves said...

No, it's only 4:13. I will still be mad when I clock out - if only you could see my angry, pointy finger - but should resume happiness as I stroll towards the bus stop.

Beach Bum said...

Randal and Mary Ellen and Sunshine: My son feels like crap, can't see his girlfriend, and I won't let him talk on the phone while not in school but as I wrote the first comment this morning his fingers were flying playing some game on his X-box360.

I hope I survive my son's teenage years.

susan said...

'not having mindblowing, orgasmically earthquaking sex happened to you'

I thought I read 'not' as in never happened, wish it would, feel like mailing self to some hot Parisian dive.

Beach, sounds like your son will recover and that's good. Take it from me, you will survive.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Beach- Hope he feels better soon!

Randal- A couple things.... For one, I am totally jealous that you have a secret family and it is not mine (lawnSSSS to mow?) Also too, do swanky whipped cream-licking, but lazy heads of librarian state hire mathematicians to add up all the library fines, 'cause I'm looking for a job that will allow me to blog full time, rather than my current job which allows for part-time blogging. I am mean with a calculator and could even graph some shit and stuff.

(Also and again too, I am so not going to go over to where all of Poe's insanity is without you, so you better get yer ass over heres.

Übermilf said...

I was so angry at Randal that I didn't read poor Beach Bum's comment. Sorry about the flu in your household. If he's able to play video games, though, he's probably going to get through it relatively easily.

Randal Graves said...

BB, teenage video game playing knows no obstacles, including H1N1. He's not blowing your eardrums out with more Guitar Hero, is he?

susan, I think I'll steal your idea. As long as my sometimes-better-half stays stateside. I kid, I kid.

FB, have you forgotten that we're mindnumbingly rich and have 7 lawns to mow, and 2000 feet of driveway to shovel?

Given that the state economy is a piece of shit and our budget has been affected, we could probably use some skilled number crunchers. As long as you promise to make my job so vital that I can never be given a severance package, I'll see what I can do.

Re: Poe. Dude.

übermilf, you should be angry at your faulty memory, grasshopper. Anger never solves anything, unless accompanied by a samurai sword.

Dr. Zaius said...

You have sullied Übermilf's good meme with your g-string fantasies and whipped cream licking.

Randal Graves said...

Like she doesn't have whipped cream fantasies about Chippendales.