Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ban, Right Guard, Old Spice, pick one so you don't stink up the joint

With your filthy words, that is. Yes, it's that time of year again and whether or not, as an employee of a book depository -- it's likely one of my "unofficial" tasks, like how a soldier when not on active duty isn't theoretically supposed to go through the town on a bloody machine gun rampage -- I am going rogue and will shout from the rooftops, but not today because it's windy and rainy as fuck, I'm not that much of a rebel, after all, that it's Banned Book Week.

In case you were wondering, yes, that photo is an accurate representation of how we roll in Library Land. You on the other hand, behave yourself. Go read some Glenn Beck.

"Real men don't cry."

Better stick with the Bible?

"Rape, pillaging, incest, murder."

The phone book?

"Listings for adult services."

Don't read at all?



Übermilf said...

Do those books have dirty words and say things that make people tingly in their naughty bits? Then they should be banned.

Also, books containing ideas I disagree with.

And books with Crock Pot recipes in them.

Now that I'm thinking about it, this blog should be banned.

Mary Ellen said...

If there's gonna be any book banning, I think they should start here.

Ok...I'll just ban them from my granddaughter. The rest of the tweeny boppers can have them.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, the second I walk through those doors each morning, my loins gird themselves for a day of tingly goodness.

It should be banned, I think I'm going to lead the charge myself. Fuck you, Graves.

nunly, are they that simultaneously popular and horrendous? Don't kids read Balzac anymore? Shesh.

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- I'd shoot my granddaughter if I ever caught her reading that Disney drivel. I brought her to the book store yesterday and bought her two books from the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini. She'll get the third one when she finishes those. She couldn't wait to start reading when we got home...love that kid! She's really into dragons...and zombies Go figure.

sunshine said...

"Honeymoon Perversion"!?!
Now we're talkin!
I think I may have to pay a visit to your library!
Meet you in the banned book isle!


TomCat said...

Ugh! The mention of Glen Beck brings bile to the throat.

Randal, I picked on you in my "Delay" post today. Hope you enjoy.

Mauigirl said...

The City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco has an entire section of Banned Books - it's fascinating to see that many books we've come to think of as classics were once banned.

La Belette Rouge said...

Sarah Palin's new book, "Going Rogue" was mispronounced on one of the a.m. network shows as "Going rouge". I was, as you can imagine, horrified. There is nothing rouge about that winker.

Holte Ender said...

As you know, lots of classic books have been banned over the years, so "Going Rogue" should be OK, but I will be disappointed if it's not in the fiction section.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, you know, you're pretty violent for a Jesushead. You would've made a good crusader. ;-)


sunshine, sorry, our banned books display is in the open. I had no idea you were so kinky!

tomcat, I saw, but did you really have to drop my name in a post about THAT yokel? That hurts, man.

mauigirl, we're quite the adolescent culture, no?

LBR, between Going Rouge and lipsticked pigs, she's almost the national Avon lady.

holte, I think a hastily-ghostwritten bio is too cliché. She should have come out with a Clancy-esque thriller.

S.W. Anderson said...

I've always found it curious and questionable that virtually all book-banning energy is directed at tomes about sexual carryings on of various kinds. Yet no boundaries seem to exist for cruelty, violence, mass extermination, etc.

Of course, it's all about protecting youth — and the sensibilities of eternal adolescents. Better young Thad should learn early on about utilizing potentially deadly pressure points, or a snub-nose .38, than become acquainted with female erogenous zones .

Go figure.

Christopher said...

It's always the religious and social conservatives who want to dictate their values to everyone else.

They need to relocate to some shit hole like Iraq or Afghanistan where one size fits all.

Tom Harper said...

Your last sentence -- "Don't read at all" -- sums it up. Real men don't read books, they burn 'em. If we want to be a manly country and stay Number One, we all need to stop reading. Period.

And as a special bonus: if nobody ever reads anything, think how many more viewers Fox News will get. It's a win-win.

Dusty said...

I say we just beat the living shit out of anyone that wants to ban any book.

One mention of banning a book and we draw straws to see who gets to thump the sumbitch.

Beach Bum said...

Surfed to the American Library Association from the link you provided and then scanned over the commonly banned book list. Lo and behold I saw the good name of South Carolina dragged through the mud yet again banning "The Great Gatsby" and "To Kill a Mockingbird" among several others I know were not listed.

There are two points that need to be brought up here. First, I don't know why people get so upset here to the point of banning books because with most of the others in my state if a book doesn't have pictures, preferably pornographic, it will not be picked up.

Second, most of the book on that list have "complex" words made up of more than three syllables which is another nail in the coffin for any novel on sale in this state.

MRMacrum said...

I for one think that maybe if we had banned more books we would not have to put up with high falutin and foolish ideas like the World is round, the Planets circle the Sun, and maybe even we'd get rid of the dumb notion there are more elements than Earth, Air, Water and Fire.

Anyway, letting folks read anything they want is a surefire recipe for trouble. Look what reading Karl's book about pinkos did for the World. I thought you were more of a Patriot Randal. Damn disappointing. My image of you has been forever sullied. I'm guessing you are one of those tolerant types who never even questioned a kid about the real reason they wanted to check out Shel Silverstein's "A light in the Attic". Subversive thought like that needs to be monitored at the very least. Banning it outright seems an even better idea. Books of "Attic" caliber are the reason kids begin touching themselves. Then they turn into Homersexuls. Says so right in my preacher's Bible. Doesn't seem to say it in my copy, but hey, if Preach says so, it must be so.

I also heard that the reason so many folks think Obama is a Christian is because they read it in a book. How dumb is that? Books are trouble. Some more than others.

MRMacrum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
susan said...

Winnie the Pooh?

I just read the list of the 100 banned classics and was horrified with myself for having read almost all of them. Yes, I'm very old so I just didn't know any better. I'll try to behave myself during my golden years and promise to only read the instructions on laxative bottles.

Randal Graves said...

SWA, um, valid points but sex can warp, permanently, a young, impressionable mind. Everyone needs to know how to drop a target at 100 yards and riddle a smarmy, patchouli-smelling hippie with a hail of bullets.

christopher, sure would be hilarious when they found out they couldn't access internet porn any longer.

tom, I'm sorry, but I can't waste precious time reading your comment.

mrmacrum, gasp! You forgot quintessence! How dare you ignore your alchemy!

Believe me, sir, this was only an exercise to lure the Godless heathen here for the book burning. I heard Mister Silverstein once *gasp* visited the Playboy mansion!

Burn, witch, burn!

susan, only if the bottle is manufactured by an approved pharmaceutical company. No generics!

Eden Bradley said...

LOL @ 'Going Rouge'! A book about her pretty pink parts...except in her case, perhaps not so pretty.

Randal Graves said...

I like a dirty story, but yikes, cut my skull open and pass the hydrochloric acid!

Liberality said...

you library nerd you!!!-I luv ya don't ya know that!?!

Kvatch said...

Better stick with the Bible?

But a better candidate for burning? I don't believe I can think of one.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, I feel so geeky!

kvatch, the Collected Works of Irving Kristol? At least the Bible can be violently entertaining.

Dr. Zaius said...

The problem with the phone book is that despite the enormous cast, the plot is actually quite lackluster...