Monday, October 12, 2009

Flash! Aa-ah! I ran out of lyrics!

"It's about bloody time."

"Too bad he didn't run out of this blog."

That hurts, strumpets and crumpets. Anyway, I apologize in advance for the extra suckitude contained in this next installment for I think I have either the swine flu or the Black Death. See everyone tomorrow unless I'm dead in which case ha ha, the joke's on you, suckers, though it would be pretty cool to be immortalized in a Holbein-esque woodcut. I knew the Lunatic Offspring #1's wood shop class would come in handy.

Come with me if you want to give
, but he wouldn't say you-know-what, wink, nudge, not in a million years, not for all the shiny gold doubloons under all the suns of all the galaxies, you get the point. Certainly not for fear of offending Dale the Earth Woman and/or the Princess because he was as willing as they, ye gods, was he ever willing oh baby, but for incurring the pandemonic wrath of Ming himself.

These were His women to do with as He pleased until He grew tired of them, a concept accepted without question like death, taxes, the sky being orange or the New York Jets wandering lost upon the gridiron ever since the strange disappearance of their quarterback so long ago.

There was simply no way on Ming's green planet that the mysterious traveler from beyond the stars would ever dare utter that loaded word in the company of natives: blood.

Eat His cookies? Are you fucking nuts?


Christopher said...

"Keep fucking that chicken."

Repeat, repeat and repeat like you've been stricken with Tourettes Syndrome and all at once your brain will clear and inspiration will fall from the sky!

MRMacrum said...

It would be more appropriate to have you immortalized aith a MC Escher woodcut I think. But then I have no class.

He could have said blood. We humans know blood is what you guys from Out Past the Nearest Nebula want. What we don't like to hear is the word "give". Offer up a little coin and we will beat a path to your door.

UberDILF said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Übermilf said...

I can't repeat that. The fact I posted it as my husband makes it hilarious to me.

Holte Ender said...

Come with me if you want give thanks to the mighty NFL God for bestowing upon the people of Cleveland the opportunity of having a joyous Sunday.

Übermilf said...

I finished my story. I dare you to write one worse than mine.

Mary Ellen said...

Am I going to have to get on my nurses outfit and take care of you, Randal? ;-)

Feel better soon...and your blog doesn't suck, but being sick does. That's what you get for hanging out with all those damned germy college kids.

Take care, kiddo.

Cormac Brown said...

Oooh, Ornella and Melody!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

That's all I have to say.



Holte Ender said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
La Belette Rouge said...

Sometimes I come here and feel as if English is not my first language. I suppose the gift of that is that it makes me feel like I speak two languages.

Übermilf said...

This WAS your story? Well, lookee there. It WAS worse than mine. Will wonders never cease.

The literary greatness of Randal, laid to waste by a tiny virus. Kinda makes you think.

Doc said...

Racy and suggestive, what more could a reader ask for?

Nice entry Randal, but I think I'll pass on the cookies as well.


sunshine said...

Hope that you are feeling better soon!
I would really love to know what he planned on doing with "his" women! Why do you Flash Fiction dudes always leave me hanging???
Good thing I have an awesome imagination. :P

Sending some chicken soup hugs your way!


Demeur said...

Randal drink plenty of fluids, get your rest, take your opiates and you'll be writing like Poe in no time.

Holte Ender said...

Randal check this out


S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, can it be you're not laboring in the midst on an unsuspecting public, sharing the wealth, so to speak? If not, you're slipping.

"Hey, dude, you work here, or what?"

"Yes, what do you want?"

"You got somethin' about, uh, like, beating a car prowling rap? Y'know, a legal-type book?"

"(Corf, wheeze) Yes, (sneeze, sniff) come with me . . . heh!" :)

Seriously, hope you feel better fast.

Beach Bum said...

...I have either the swine flu or the Black Death.

After somehow missing the that crap when my son came down with it a couple of weeks ago I was informed last night that my prompt attention and devotion to my job may have exposed me to the virus as well.

Went into an exam room to fix a surgical light and before I was done was told by a giggling environmental services type(janitor)that the last patience in the room had a full blown case of the flu and that she had not cleaned that room up yet.

These were His women to do with as He pleased until He grew tired of them...

Just that one phrase there is enough to launch my imagination as I head back to work tonight.

susan said...

I think I may have slept through a few too many episodes, or missed a chapter or something. I just came over to borrow a cup of aspirin since it looks like I might need them. The hospital where I work sent out a memo telling the staff if they have any sign of the flu they must stay home for 7 days. Why do I feel so alone?

PipeTobacco said...


I hope you are feeling better as many others have suggested as well, although if it anything like is going around here, most have told me it takes 5-7 days to feel better.

What I like about your story is that to me, it has a sort of traditional 1960's sci-fi "vibe" to it ( think about the original Star Trek ) combined with the semi-raciness of Hugh Hefner, and a comedic dash of Rowan and Martin's "Laugh-In".

To me, even though you are excused due to illness.... you need not be... you tried to create something mixing the above three ideas and came out with something enjoyable to read.

I was a fool and did not post my story in time (I had it written, and must have hit "draft" instead of post). If you have interest in seeing it, look here:


Alan Griffiths said...

Randal, hope you are feeling better. I enjoyed your "Flash" piece and the Sci-Fi feel of it.

Dr. Zaius said...

I always disable third-party cookies, unless they are chocolate chip!

Randal Graves said...

christopher, it didn't work, but I'm sure the late, great Billy Mays is selling a cure.

mrmacrum, Escher is pretty classy, no? I don't have any coin, but will you take Monopoly money?

übermilf, I can: This post has been removed by the author.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

holte, that was such a fucking hideous game I would consider giving up football if it wasn't against my religion.

übermilf, I haven't read yours yet, but I can guarantee this claptrap is inferior.

nunly, now that's what I'm talking about. Cough, cough, better check my temperature.

Dude, I don't know where the fuck this thing came from, bolt out of the blue.

cormac, I took your advice, good sir!

tengrain, it could be malaria, must you always blame the pig?

LBR, then I have succeeded in fooling everyone that this tripe is indeed descended from my mother tongue.

übermilf, though the crapitude of my story isn't in dispute, your reading comprehension might be. Or maybe you are diseased, too.

doc, Ming is a sick bastard. You should have seen what he did to the guy who pilfered his oatmeal raisin.

sunshine, titillation is much more successful when they are absent, otherwise it's porn. Are you suggesting we write some porn?

demeur, too bad Poe wasn't less famous, stealing his stuff would be much easier.

SWA, too bad I was already off yesterday, I could have infected dozens, muahahahaha, etc. Next time, make sure you suggest such things beforehand, huh?

BB, I think it's just the regular flu, which is manageable, so hopefully, if you DO end up with something, it's just that. Though, apparently, hours of XBOX is the cure-all (or your son, being young, is simply built of sterner stuff than us old fuckers)

susan, 7 days? I'm not sure if that's the flu, but the zombie virus that leaked out of a government lab. Stocked up on canned goods?

PT, oh hell, even if you don't meet the deadline (that Cormac is quite the taskmaster) definitely post it. I can certainly live with a 60s sci-fi vibe. Star Trek did in fact feature miniskirts.

alan, thanks, but I fear I have the theme song permanently burned into my brain. I dig a campy flick, but yikes.

Randal Graves said...

dr.zaius, there you go again, always hating on oatmeal raisin.

Cormac Brown said...

"cormac, I took your advice, good sir!"

You can't go wrong with that, my good friend!

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