Friday, October 2, 2009

I am moving to Brazil to become a piranha farmer


















What, I like soccer.

No, I'm not moving there simply for the skimpy bikinis, though this unattractive cracker ain't complaining, though the skimpy bikini-ed babes might; ladies, pretend I'm Chavez visiting your pretzeldent. Sure, I loathe hot, humid weather and thus become even more crabby and annoying than usual, but smart power and money is sexy. How do you think Congress gets laid.

Anyway, once society collapses and none of our fossil-fuel-based machines function and only Germany who smartly had their manufacturing base solar paneled but they'll get smashed real good in World War MCMXCIX aka The Great Zombie Apocalypse --















Take that, Nazi douchebags!

-- and all the pumpkin patches 'round these parts already got snatched up so there goes this month's quick cash injection you sneaky futures bastard I'll burn your fucking corpse to the bones and grind them to make my bread for you'll see what kind of sandwiches just hold on a bit -- down with jack o' lanterns they're from drunken Irish louts!, he wailed, the last cry of a desperate man -- we'll need something to chew us up and spit us out into the sticky paste that eventually bakes at 325° for 60-75 minutes into soylent green don't let them cook too long or it'll be soylent brown and I want in on the ground floor of such a thrilling opportunity.


















Vive le capitalisme!

34 comments:

sunshine said...

First of all... the girl in the first picture looks like she's about 14 (in the face at least)..
If you do move down there and get even bitchier than you already are.. please stop blogging. :) (I'm kidding.. )

I like pumpkins. I don't like eating them though. Is it just me or does pumpkin pie look like diarrhea?
"Hang on honey.. I've got a great idea for a new pie..Grab a pie crust!"
Ewwww... I've never had pumpkin pie before because that's what it looks like.... :D

((Hugs))
Laura

Mary Ellen said...

Your mind works in mysterious ways, Randal...kinda like God but without the holy stuff and the Thee's and Thou's. :-)

Sheesh, sunshine, you just ruined my Thanksgiving dessert. I'll never be able to look at pumpkin pie again without thinking of diarrhea. ;-)

Christopher said...

Randal,

If you haven't been to Brazil, definitely go.

Brazil has it all: great cities like Rio de Janeiro, Sao Paulo and Salvador, and amazing open spaces and countryside that seem to go on forever.

The food is great and the people are stunningly beautiful. And everyone is always at the beach. No one seems to work. Plus, our battered U.S dollar is actually worth something in Brazil.

Holte Ender said...

Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.

Agi said...

She can kick my balls around anytime.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, who do I look like, Polanski? And hell, you're even crazier than I am. Must be all that snow. ;-)

nunly, verily, this site be thy holiest in thy internets kingdom, canst thou seest?

And no shit. Thank you, thank you!

christopher, Brazil is definitely on my list of countries to check out, and I certainly support that no work gig.

holte, don't worry, all the fish will be on our farms. Please, feel free to swim the Amazon.

agi, ha!

TomCat said...

Careful Randal. Feeding piranhas while considering the contents of string bikinis can be hazardous to your libido.

sunshine said...

*Gasp*!
I'm not crazy! You bastard you.... ;P

La Belette Rouge said...

You got me thinking of possible business plans in case my evil plans fall apart. How about carb based presidential action figures? Cracker congressman. Rye newscasters. White bread senators. Prezeldents. Huh? We could be so rich that you could go to Brazil just for the babes.

sunshine said...

And upon closer inspection.. I'd say she's more like 12.
Ciao Bello! :P

Übermilf said...

No wonder that fish is swimming up to take a bite -- she's riding an a giant potato chip. Rrrrruffles have rrrridges!

But I hear the water supply's even more polluted down there than Cleveland's. Better drink something else.

Randal Graves said...

tomcat, that's what low-wage minions are for.

LBR, Nixon! Now with onion meal! I'm digging these ideas. Time to shift some paradigms. What about pumpernickel?

sunshine, agi is a fellow dude and he supports me. You're just nine kinds of Canuck crazy. ;-)

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, more polluted than ours? I don't know, we just had a couple of mini oil/sludge spills on the Callahooga within the last couple of months. We're number one!

Holte Ender said...

Perhaps piranha farming will be an Olympic sport in 2016?

sunshine said...

Fine then. I'll allow you you're skimpy bikini gal. I'll even go so far as to say she "might be" 16.

See! We Canadians are cool.
Watch out that the Piranha fish doesn't get your thing... :)

((Hugs))
Laura

Demeur said...

Well if you burn em just call them Cajin and be done with it.
It's not pumpkin poop it's squash suffle. Where's your class?

susan said...

Wow.. Carioca, Ayahuasca, Samba, Santaria, Mardi Gras where they know how to celebrate it with Jesus on a Sugar Loaf blessing it all. I think you could make some real reals just blogging about that. After all, you do pretty well with Cleveland, sports, metal, zombies and Lovecraft as fodder. Imagine the thrill and the challenge! I'm willing to donate to such a worthy cause.

Liberality said...

How dare you debase pumpkin pies and or even think of little girls playing on the beach!
:~D

Lockwood said...

Movin' to Manaus soon...
Gonna be a piranha fish tycoon.
(Yes I am)

Beach Bum said...

...bakes at 325° for 60-75 minutes into soylent green...

Which goes real good with a mango chutney and a red wine.

themom said...

Toooo funny. I'm trying to envision the piranha breeding. It could become a major industyr, one never knows, or at least an Olympic sport.

Tom Harper said...

"once society collapses and none of our fossil-fuel-based machines function and only Germany who smartly had their manufacturing base solar paneled but they'll get smashed real good in World War MCMXCIX aka The Great Zombie Apocalypse --"

Interesting forecast, but you're too optimistic.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I just recently saw a school of Piranah at the aquarium, and they are rather pleasant chaps once you get to know them. Plain looking fellows, they are just like certain neighbors in, oh, let's say Cleveland, who once they get a little crowded, like on a bus, for instance, get a bit, um, agitated, and might snap at you.

But never at a pumpkin.

Regards,

Tengrain

Randal Graves said...

holte, that's an exceptional idea. Far more entertaining than bass fishing.

sunshine, so very cool. Ahem. Thanks for looking out for my thing. ;-)

demeur, class was canceled on account of diarrhea.

susan, hear that everyone? Send Randal to Brazil. Give me your taxpayer money! Sure, I may be a jerk, but I'm less of one than the heads of banks.

liberality, stop stealing all of my fun! ;-)

lockwood, that's the big money of the future, not renewables.

BB, see, who says cannibalism can't be classy.

themom, one most always think outside the box. Or, at least, under it.

tom, you think the zombies will be radioactive, too? Quite the pessimist, you are.

tengrain, are you suggesting I dress up as a pumpkin? Because if it'll get wankers to leave me be, I might consider it.

Betty C. said...

Now, complete with the Olympics!

nazareth priest said...

I'm afraid I'm an ancestor of the "drunkien Irish louts"...can't get rid of the pumpkin pie thing...

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

I thought Brazil was famous for its bikinLESS babes? shoot, now I have to find a new retirement destination ...

Dr. Zaius said...

I like the part about women's beach volleyball and the piranha fish. I have no idea what the rest of this post is about.

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