Thursday, October 1, 2009

Pucker Up

Not you, fugly.

Atlantic: A hangover post-loss is one thing, what about after being crowned? If they slip, the Flyers, with Chris Pronger covering up Flaky Ray and whomever else they schlep in front of the net, will be there to wrest and usurp and all that other subversive coup-d'état disposable jazz. The Rangers could surprise everyone, but Marian Gaborik would have to stay healthy, bwahahahaha, etc. Sorry, Mr. 500, even you can't carry this receding hairline offense. What of the Islanders? Sure, one can pass the time watching young Tavares, but of more import, don't you miss the Gorton's fish stick logo?

Northeast: I still don't trust Tim Thomas, but man, are the Bruins loaded, even after trading away Kessel. Patrice Bergeron can't remain so loopy, can he? I do trust the young Sabres, who'll step up and help Ryan Miller. I don't trust 700-year old Alexei Kovalev, but Michalek+Cheechoo should help offset the dearly departed Dany Heatley. I really don't trust Toronto, even with The Monster. Should have added Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman, too. I really really don't trust Montreal. They have 752 new players.

Southeast: Goalie remains the question mark (did not the champs receive the same skepticism, you say?), but good luck outscoring these dudes. The Hurricanes still carry enough talent to arsenic your drink, just ask New Jersey and Boston. Trading Bouwmeester hurts, but Florida's young guys (Booth, Weiss and Horton, if he stops regressing) can theoretically collect goals and you could do worse than Tomas Vokoun. If Mike Smith is the real deal, the Lightning could shock. Groan. Don't forget, they still have Lecavalier, St. Louis and Stamkos with a year under his belt. Atlanta? Check back in two years.

Central: Yeah, yeah, I know Chicago stole Hossa and his 40 goals from Detroit and are the fashionable hep cat pick, but all the Red Wings have to do is throw a cabbie and some change on the ice. How 'bout those Blues? Didn't see that coming. The youngins (+Kariya) aren't there yet, but won't be an easy out. Poor Nashville. Never have enough money, no one cares -- it's Nashville -- and Barry Trotz always has them competing, nonetheless. Someone give that man a pretzeldential medal of freedom, or a budget. Sure, Blue Jackets fans, Steve Mason will certainly bail out that crap offense again and not be the second coming of Jim Carey, bien sûr.

Northwest: Okay, Calgary, you just added a beast of a defenseman, and if Kiprusoff can stop his slide, you have a chance to make Lanny McDonald's facial hair very happy. Like a lot of teams, it's all about the young guys with Vancouver, though Robbie the Robot, you might not want to short-circuit in the playoffs again. I'm not sure if the scrappy Wild and/or Oilers have enough to sneak in, but I'm most definitely positively absolutely sure that the Rockies don't.

Pacific: Yes, the Sharks, because of changes, will win the division. Yes, Anaheim, because of changes, will only push them. Yes, this is finally the year the young Kings barge their way to game 83. No, Dallas will not overcome age and injury and malaise and Marty Turco suddenly reminding us all of the contents of a septic tank. Yes, Phoenix is a mess on every possible level. Just move them back to Canada already. Retired golfers with plastic lawns and pacemakers don't want to watch hockey.

Eastern playoff teams: Pittsburgh, Washington, Boston, Philadelphia, Carolina, N.Y. Rangers, Buffalo, Ottawa.

Western playoff teams: San Jose, Calgary, Detroit, Chicago, Anaheim, Vancouver, St. Louis, Los Angeles.

Stanley Cup Finals: Sweet crap on crust, I have no clue, so let's discard the sure things: I'm sure the bottom half in each conference has little-to-no shot (okay, maybe the Ducks do). I'm sure I just heard the population of Edmonton sharpen their pitchforks and ignite their torches while screaming that they were one game away, as an eighth seed, from being the Champions of the Universe a mere few years ago. I'm sure San Jose, despite having arguably the most talented roster in the NHL -- tell me Joe Thornton isn't chomping at the bit to fire passes to Heatley -- won't because choking is their very special specialized specialty. Hang on, I'm going to put some names in a hat. Here, you pick:

"Pittsburgh and Calgary."

Who wins?

"Flip a coin."


sunshine said...

I'm going to assume you were talking aboot hockey. :)
I'm going to say Calgary because.. well, I guess we all know why. :)
Can-a-duh! Can-a-duh!!

Okay.. I"m outta here.

Übermilf said...

What an important, life-changing post. It has so much impact on everyday life. I shall cherish it forever.

Mary Ellen said...

At every Sox game this year they were promoting the Black Hawks like nobody's business. Sheesh....

When they start playing hockey like they did "back in the day" when they actually played the game instead of duking it out on the ice every four minutes, then I'll go back to watching it again.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, I had no idea you were so nationalist. That's our job!

übermilf, I was going to post on some weirdo suburban thing, but didn't want to bore everyone to tears.

nunly, um, did you skip the 50s, 60s and 70s when it comes to your hockey viewing? Check the PIM totals. ;-)

Mary Ellen said...

Well..I was a bit young to be watching hockey in the 50's and much of the 60's, but I did watch it in the 70's. I stopped watching it in the late 70's...but I don't remember it being as bad as it is now. The only reason I watched it was because my dad was a huge fan of hockey and I liked hanging out with my dad.

I did go to one Black Hawks game, though...and I have to admit it was a lot of fun. Much different crowd than the group at the baseball games.

After watching the Sox this season, I may need to broaden my sports horizon. :-(

Holte Ender said...

What do you call 30 millionaires sitting round a TV watching The Stanley Cup Playoffs? The Montreal Canadiens.

Übermilf said...

I bet there are all sorts of fascinating things going on in suburban Cleveland right this minute.

Dean Wormer said...

Puck you for writing a hockey post, Randal. :-)

Randal Graves said...

nunly, I think you were doing coke at Studio 54. There were tons of fisticuffs back then. ;-)

holte, zing!

übermilf, about as fascinating as suburban Chicago. Thus, hockey.

dean, you can't be on the internets! What if your corporate overlords find you? ;-)

Sherry Peyton said...

obviously off your meds again Randal. Nobody,darling, talks hockey in October. It's not done in the best clubs don't you know? Your upbringing is showing m'dear.

Randal Graves said...

You talk hockey in October when hockey season starts tonight. Do I look like I frequent even the worst clubs? I'm a cheap bastard.

Übermilf said...

Maybe I'd be more open to your sports coverage if you supported some of my teams more often.

There, I said it.

I lash out because I'm hurt by your cruel dismissal of my teams' hopes.

Also, I can't get excited about hockey because I can't watch it on TV. Why is hockey never shown on TV? I can find swamp buggy racing, but not hockey.

TomCat said...

I used to love to watch the sport. The hockey between fights was quite exciting. But we don't have a major league team in Portland, and it's rarely even on TV.

Dusty said...

Hockey gets my interest when all other sports are dead in the middle of winter.

Is that bad?

Go Pens!!!!! ;p

okjimm said...

HOCKEY!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH>>>> NO NO.... NOt HOCKEY!!! SPUtZZ,...PFTiss....Awww...evil evil Hockey.... Canucks on Ice... Minnnesotians, Croatians, Bruins from Boston!~! Commies.......................AH.......I'm melting!!!!!!!!!!1*&%$+#$)*

otherwise everythings ok.

Tom Harper said...

That picture made me realize something. When you see a backwoods redneck with no teeth, maybe he really isn't a dumb redneck. Maybe he's an ex-hockey player. I've been too judgmental.

Cormac Brown said...

San Jose??? We're always at home come late May, so we'll be changing our name to "The Sisyphean Sharks," thank you very much.

Beach Bum said...

One of the African-Americans I work around one time made the comment that out of all the sports hockey is the only one that scares them because mostly white guys go around swinging big ass sticks.

susan said...

You already know I was raised in Toronto during the glory years of there being far less than a dozen teams in the NHL. I also remember the eggs and octopi thrown on the ice later on. It's all so tame now :-)

Demeur said...

I was never much into hockey so I'll guess I'll have to root for the Jamcian hockey team. Hard to practice on sand there though.

Dr. Zaius said...

Randal, I served with Robbie the Robot, I knew Robbie the Robot, Robbie the Robot was a friend of mine. Randal, you're no Robbie the Robot.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, sure, I live to support the sports teams of Chicago. And New York. And Boston. And Los Angeles.

Don't you have Versus? Lots o' puckery!

tomcat, now see, Portland can get cold, they should have a team over Phoenix.

dusty, bah! Down with Pittsburgh!

okjimm, bwahahahahahaahahaha!

tom, shit, I never thought of that. There are a lot of hockey minor leagues.

cormac, think of the marketing opportunities. One night, a Nabokov bobblehead. The next, a playset rolling the puck up a hill.

BB, I imagine NASCAR would be up there as well, except that's not a sport. And golf!

susan, you don't even see pools of blood any longer!

demeur, I imagine a mini-beach ball would be an adequate substitute.

dr. zaius, of course I'm not. My parts are made of plastic, not metal. Sheesh!

darkblack said...

'Like a lot of teams, it's all about the young guys with Vancouver...'

Yeah, when they're not AARPing it up with the likes of Mats Sundin and Mark Messier at the Orca Bay old-timer's hockey and shuffleboard palace.
It's illustrative that in an option year back in '97 for two players - Messier and Joe Sakic - the Can-nots went for crumbly old Potato Chip Mark over local boy Burnaby Joe for a year less and a million $ more.
Sucks to be an absentee owner, eh?


Randal Graves said...

At least Sundin was an additional piece to the Sedins and Raymonds of the world, and not thrown before the cameras as a free agent savior coup like that other guy. That was pitiful. ;-)

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