Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hey kids, grab your toys, it's plague time!
















Relax, I'm not infected. I'm not going six feet under.

"Wow, I can hear Übermilf swearing in disgust all the way up here."


















Why will I survive whereas you will turn into a quivering, festering pustule of bile and pus and blood? I've got a basement full of canned goods, rolls of duct tape, bouillon cubes, crates of shells, a chainsaw, quills and inkwells, reams of looseleaf, a makeshift paper football goalpost, a book of first class stamps, a catcher's mitt and a flyswatter. I'm ready to roll, let's roll, yo ho ho and a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue, bring it on, swine, and all that patriotic mumbo jumbo.

33 comments:

Übermilf said...

I don't want you dead. I can't torture you if you're dead. Now, if I died, I could still torture you from beyond the grave...

But here's what I don't understand: if this flu is so lethal that if you catch it you will surely die, how will people even be able to come to work? Wheeled in on gurneys?

If it's not as debilitating/deadly as we've been made to believe, why all the panic?

The media can't have it both ways.

I personally think the workplace already makes people sick and miserable, so the flu doesn't change much for them.

sunshine said...

I just lived through this virus.
I'm still recovering but believe me, it knocked me on my ass for a couple of days. (I'm pretty sure it was the swine flu ;))

Your list of stockpiled items made me laugh. I remember when it was Y2K and everyone was stocking up on canned goods water etc.. You wanna know what I had? (this is STILL huge in my family and they love to bring it up every New Years Eve).. I had about 30 bags of chips and 15 cases of pop.
If I was going to die, I was going to die happy. :)

((Hugs))
Laura

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

On a good day, I am a quivering, festering pustule of bile and pus and blood - if my hair is behaving, that is.

Regards,

Tengrain

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I was going to say that it's a good thing ghosts aren't real, but with my luck, you'd prove me wrong.

Cough, cough. Run for the hills! I think there should be an official, pro-mental health day policy in the workplace. It's draining pretending to give a crap about people. Not that I won't call off anyway.

sunshine, are you sure it was? Do you remember any rivers of pus, or pools of blood? ;-)

That much chips and pop? Isn't that kind of a law? And you said pop, everyone else says soda. You get a gold star!

tengrain, I knew it, you're Patient Zero! Have you tried Boenher's Spray-On? Kills germs dead!

Demeur said...

Don't worry Ube he'll come back as zombie. Especially when he realizes he forgot one item - a can opener!

Christopher said...

I don't plan on getting any stinking pig flu. I called my doctor and her office said their practice will have the H1N1 vaccine a week from this Monday and I told them to reserve two doses: one for Jim and one for me.

By the way, there's a canine influenza sweeping through the Northeast and Midwest. We're taking our dog in Wednesday for her vaccine so she doesn't get sick.

What the hell did we do before modern medicine?

sunshine said...

Pus and blood.. yeah, yeah! Loads of it!

Isn't it called pop? I think only American's call it "soda". And from what I hear... you guys are always right so ... I won't argue. :P

Holte Ender said...

Half a pound of twopenny rice,
half a pound of treacle,
mix it up and make it nice,
soda goes the weasel.

S.W. Anderson said...

No need to hole up in your basement, RG. Just keep your hands washed at all times.(But beware, those bottled instant hand wash products were tested and found largely ineffective.) Also, be careful whom you smooch.

And when you eat out, avoid the salmonella salad bar — like the plague. ;)

Randal Graves said...

demeur, of course I have a can opener. (mental note: get a can opener)

christopher,
What the hell did we do before modern medicine?
Bushel upon bushel of violent and bloody death. Ah, good times.

sunshine, the commie pinko parts of Murka call it soda, but here in certain sections of the Great Lakes region, we outstanding patriots call it pop. Therefore, I will call off the invasion. For now.

holte, just doesn't have that same ring, as if it was "pop goes the rhinoceros."

SWA, we have a couple of jars of that stuff sitting on the counter here at work, and I'm amazed how the same people come up three or four times an hour to scrub their hands of death-dealing bacteria.

Now, how about the botulism, that's still good, right? ;-)

TomCat said...

I don't want you dead. I can't torture you if you're dead.

Now there's a brain working overtime. ;-)

Freida Bee, MD said...

Good thing you work in a high traffic place in a large university. NOT. The only fatality at my school has been a staff worker who died last week. I just hope you are wrapping yourself in saran wrap as we discussed.

susan said...

As an employee of a large teaching hospital I've been vaccinated against every disease known to science - but now I'm wondering why I have this sudden craving for fresh blood... Could they have missed giving me the anti-vampire shot? Oh nooooo!

Mary Ellen said...

The flu may not get me but some freakin' yuppie in a big ol' SUV gave it her best shot this afternoon...rear-ended my car while she was going about 45. She didn't notice that my car was moving slowly because I had six cars in front of me making their way through an intersection where the light just changed from red to green.

She was busy talking to her son who was in the car with her...because you know, you can't expect her to watch the road AND talk at the same time! Ugh...my back hurts.

So bring it on, swine flu! I can take it.

themom said...

I do not have any of the "survival" things as you...therefore, when passing by - just kick another pile of dirt on my rotting corpse. If the H1N1 hits me - I'm a goner! I better get partying soon - time is running out!

Beach Bum said...

My son has been there and gotten the t-shirt. His bout with H1N1 never got bad enough that he put down his X-Box360 controller.

As for the rest of us my daughter doesn't slow down enough for anything to catch her. My wife always has a headache, though mainly at night while we are in bed. And while my wife is an attorney I'm a poor working stiff who can't afford to get sick.

Tom Harper said...

Sounds like you're all prepared for the swine flu pandemic, but you forgot one thing: a garlic necklace to wear around your neck at all times.

Hill said...

Sounds like you're ready for battle.

Wolverines!

:)

Dusty said...

We don't have basements in Cali..so I guess I am fucked eh?

sunshine said...

So, what you're saying is that.. because I call pop, pop.. I can sleep soundly tonight. No American troops will invade my awesome country.
Sweet. :)
*ahem.. you know "yousguys" call it pop because you're so close to Canada eh? Ooooo some Northern influence! :)

((Hugs))
Laura

MRMacrum said...

What? No Slim Jims? No Gatorade? Sheesh, you ain't ready. You just think you are. Good luck with that.

Randal Graves said...

tomcat, that's what frightens me. I'm going to wake up with the head of a giraffe in my bed or something.

FB, I thought saran wrap was only for clubbing. Even to ward off chemical warfare?

susan, here, have a slice of this delicious, fresh-baked bread. Of course your don't smell garlic, don't be silly.

nunly, what the fuck? Sure, you're online so you're not a corpse, but 45 can cause some fuckery. You okay?

themom, stock up on chips and POP!

BB, hell hath no fury like an XBOX scorned.

My wife always has a headache, though mainly at night while we are in bed.

HAHAHAHAHA. Don't worry, that's a sympathy laugh.

tom, wards off vampires, and a quick chew wards off humans.

hill, I heard they're doing a remake of that flick. I might actually pay money to see that so I can laugh.

dusty, just head south to TJ and spend the final days partying. ;-)

sunshine, yes, I put in a call to the pretzeldent and he said okay. But I think he's giving a speech about it tomorrow. Bring a pillow.

Northern influence? I think you overestimate such things. Excuse me, I have to go watch some hockey.

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, slim jims? Are you nuts? Talk about a gassy close quarters. I've got pork n' beans for that.

sunshine said...

Shucks! I was hoping for another drunken post this weekend!! :)

Christopher said...

Randal,

You ought to write about Karma.

Karma's a bitch and so is....., well, I think you know what I mean. LOL!

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

what, no Farrah Fawcett poster?

Dr. Zaius said...

The best part about makeshift paper football goalposts is that they are easy to move. :o)

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