Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dancing with an invisible dame whose heels keep on smashing my toes, I'm not wearing combat boots, babe.


















It was so windy yesterday...

"How windy was it?"

It was so windy yesterday, it was as if all the pantheons of all the peoples of the world, and Spinal Tap, had just eaten a meal of __________.














Gosh darnit, I just never get tired of that Chimpy. Nor Charles, but each is comical in their own unique way. I do get tired of other stuff, but compiling that list would require years of detailed planning and decades of implementation, time that simply cannot be wasted on anything but delusions of grandeur, and would eventually fill the equivalent of all the scrolls housed in the library at Alexandria pre-fire and if you think I'm inclined to subject myself to the literary equivalent -- I forgot my thesaurus at home, the equivalent of leaving the house without pants, that's a funny story I'll never tell because then I'd have to make one up, the equivalent of being a politician -- of cracking my skull open with a hammer sans anesthesia and somehow managing to remain conscious enough to scoop my brain back inside my cranial cavity, you're sadly mistaken though that would be a pretty cool trick, no? Maybe they could film it and use the best handful of stills for the cover and booklet of the next Cannibal Corpse album. Evisceration plague! Gurgle, growl, etc.!



The original spawn of my sometimes-better-half and yours truly turns 17 today, so thanks, condom manufacturer, for ruining the prime of my life, rot in hell, motherfuckers. I kid, but only 83% worth. Luckily, she's easy to buy for, a case of booze and the keys to a stolen car. Crime does indeed pay, says so all the way up there. Luckily-er still, one area of parenting that I've made great strides in compared to my ancestral folks is successfully instilling in our offspring a healthy disdain for other humans which I feel will serve her well in the aeons to come before the glorious return of Cthulhu, Ia! Ia!

She is, however, fairly indifferent to music -- I know, I know, blasphemy! burn the witch! -- which has always made me wonder if she isn't actually the product of the union of my apparently-worse-half and the UPS guy. What can Brown do to you, I guess. Thus, instead of whiskey and wheels, I think I'll buy her one of those K-Tel classic rock sets the old Brady dude and the chick young enough to be his trophy wife hawk at 3am. Sniff, we all miss you, Billy.



Based on much anecdotal evidence, chiefly DVD reruns of Supernatural season finales, Lunatic Offspring #1 seems to really hate that song above all others. So I'm thinking about doing a download n' burn, hitting the repeat and blaring it for the next week chez moi, the perfect gift, no? Sure, even my wife would likely want to kill me but how that's different from any other day only the gods can answer and they're busy with the aftermath of their drive-through feast. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to sit down. The bloody Moirae did a number on my feet.

27 comments:

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Now you've gone too far.

You have, of course, set aside a trust fund to pay for this poor innocent's therapist?

However, on the plus side, I admire your parental pride and wish the fruit of your filthy and cursed loins a happy birthday, and I hope that next time you tip the Man in Brown when he delivers a package to your door.

Regards,

Tengrain

Mary Ellen said...

Wow...17, that's a real milestone, and a stone around your neck, too. I'd imagine that your hair will soon start to show signs of gray and the facial tics and twitching should become more evident as the days go on (especially the weekends).

Start her off with the good stuff...Beethoven, Mozart, Puccini, Weezer, Handel...

Happy Birthday to the kid!

Ummm...there's gonna be cake, right?

Holte Ender said...

Watch out, your offspring is about to get REALLY expensive.

That moirae music reminded me of the insufferable "Free Credit Report.Com" ads.

Sherry said...

I still mourn the fire at Alexandria, sigh...as I do the death of Freddy Mercury. Alas, I'm fairly sure your offspring is not indeed yours since I cannot imagine any of your snooty sperm being willing to errrr....well, I just don't. I left you a message on another comment to give me your snail mail so I could send ya a book. I guess you don't read your comments your snot. Contact me, troyspeyton@att./net. cuz I gotta contact the publisher today.!

Sherry Peyton said...

I still mourn the fire at Alexandria, sigh...as I do the death of Freddy Mercury. Alas, I'm fairly sure your offspring is not indeed yours since I cannot imagine any of your snooty sperm being willing to errrr....well, I just don't. I left you a message on another comment to give me your snail mail so I could send ya a book. I guess you don't read your comments your snot. Contact me, troyspeyton@att./net. cuz I gotta contact the publisher today.!

Demeur said...

May you live old enough to be a burden on your spawn Graves. And when your hearing goes and you need your depends changed you can crank up the Pink Floyd to ear shattering levels, pee yourself with a big smile and drive her nutz. Paybacks are hell...no?

Übermilf said...

Do you need a reminder not to use the image of Charles Nelson Reilly in vain?

Also, did you add to this post, or am I going crazy? The answer can be both.

Liberality said...

Happy birthday to the kid there. And of course she doesn't take after you! She's got ovaries--not balls!

Okay, I kid, I kid. I have found at that age in a kid's life just being the parent and being around is enough to aggravate them so you don't really have to go out of your way.

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, did you ever stop to think that my wife and kids have made me loopy?

I'll tip him big time if he takes me wife, please. Thank you, thank you!

nunly, I've got me a few stray grays on the noodle. Substitute Slayer for Weezer and we're on the same page. Of course there will be cake!

holte, expensive? Hell no, for I'm taking the Homer Simpson approach to parenting.

I wouldn't mind those ads if they actually did use Cannibal Corpse.

sherry, snooty? I'm not French. And oh, crap, I completely forget to email you about that book, didn't I. Senility, you understand. It'll happen to you, too.

demeur, oh man, you have no idea how much I'm looking forward to that. Since I'm not big on giant holiday gatherings and such, I'll have to find another way to annoy the kids.

liberality, ha! The aggravation is certainly a two-way street, and she'll gladly dish it back.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I have the express permission of the estate of Charles Nelson Reilly.

I did not add to this post, nor are you going crazy because that happened a looooooooooooooooong time ago.

sunshine said...

Awww, Happy Birthday to your Princess. I hope that she has a lovely day. :)

I remember when I was 17. That's when I lost my ... er... never mind!
:)

I'm sure that she is a beautiful girl and loves her Daddy enormously.. :) Have a fun evening eating cake!

((Hugs))
Laura

Dusty said...

Raising your child will break you..mentally and financially.

Enjoy! ;p

susan said...

Damn, you've reminded me of one of the great tragedies of all time. Why didn't they make back-up scrolls and hide them under the Sphinx? You say they did and all will be explained on the winter solstice of 2012? Save me a place in the sand.

Meanwhile, best birthday wishes to the other 'she who must be served' in your life.

S.W. Anderson said...

Careful, Randal, the fates enjoy their trickery. You don't want to risk spending the next life sandwiched between Mr. Rogers and Dr. Phil on an overnight flight through eternity -- with only sickly sweet pop and stale mini pretzels to sustain you, and elevator music on the earphones.

Tom Harper said...

Congrats to your 17-year-old.

Cannibal Corpses and Kansas in the same post -- that's pretty versatile.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, gasp! Don't sully this righteous family blog with your sordid tales. Unless you're providing details.

dusty, no, I don't detect any Nelson Muntz whatsoever in your comment. ;-)

susan, um, shhhh! Don't reveal the conspiracy too early.

SWA, holy hell, that's more frightening than a Bosch or a Michael Bay flick.

tom, I aim to please everyone. I was impressed about how decently the CC lined up with that bad 70s band footage.

MRMacrum said...

Just cuz she isn't banging her head against the wall in 4/4 time, does not mean she has no musical appreciation. Maybe she just has not been exposed to real music. I'm tellin ya, Guy Lombardo is way under appreciated. His Royal Canadians could really rock the house. Besides, Retro is always hip somewhere.

Randal Graves said...

I can't even get her to listen to Beethoven or Bach. Makes me sad. She likes Kashmir, so I'm holding on to a smidgen of hope.

Beach Bum said...

Happy late birthday greetings to the young lady.

I just never get tired of that Chimpy. Nor Charles, but each is comical in their own unique way.

Been fun to have somehow in a Rod Sterling way moved Chimpy to a permanent game show contestant slot and Charles Nelson to POTUS.

Randal Graves said...

Dude, you have found the perfect career for a man of Chimpy's talents.

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Dr. Zaius said...

You know, I have never heard of cannibal corpse, and now that I have seen their dance of the native American maidens, I am wishing that I never had. ;o)