Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Thank you
















"Looking this swanky, how can we lose?"

"True, but shouldn't we thank the little people first?"

Thank you, Aaron Rodgers, for carving up the hapless Cleveland defense. (Honestly, you led one of my fantasy teams to victory)

Thank you, horror ezine, for rejecting my story. (Honestly, it is quite, er, horrible. Given what else is up there, I don't blame you a quarter of one bit)

Thank you, Killer Tomato, for after over a decade, you finally decided to rot. (Honestly, better now than in the dead of winter during a blizzard on the way to pick up you lazy kids I walked 75 miles in the snow without shoes to schzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............)

Thank you, Cleveland Indians, for having both C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee starting World Series games. For other teams. (Honestly, I can't wait for the minor leaguers we received to help lead yet another team to the World Series)

Atlantic: Sure, Rasheed may be a volatile knucklehead, but he can be a quality volatile knucklehead (or maybe Big Baby deserves that sobriquet a bit more these days) and Old Man Garnett does need to rest those creaky knees now and then. Philadelphia should be on the unhappy, drunken (it's Philly) side of .500; Elton Brand can't be that much of a DNP-INACTIVE again, can he? Toronto will score, thus an entertaining evening diversion. New York will try to score (lest we forget, D'Antoni the Alchemist is stalking the sidelines) and New Jersey will try.

Central: Barring extraterrestrial intervention, we'll win the division in back-to-back seasons for the first time in franchise history which sounds exceedingly lame, I know. Sure, the Bulls have some of that abstract 'talent,' but if you want to trust the consistency of their frontcourt, well, it's a free country. Joe Dumars' brain has melted in his cranial cauldron, though check back in a couple of years to see if he was playing fifteen-dimensional chess and actually has a plan ha ha ha, Indiana is floundering midst rebuilding (but there are some pieces -- Danny Granger is a sumbitch -- and they could surprise) and the Bucks will probably trade their last few useful players by February.

Southeast: Fucking Orlando. Yes, it still stings. Atlanta, destined to be first round fodder again. I don't care that they made it to the second round, the East has three teams and various orders of suckery. Sorry, DC, stay 100% healthy and you still won't get out of the first round either no matter how much of a tough guy DeShawn Role Player thinks he is. I'd almost feel sorry for Dwayne Wade and his Merry Gang Of Nobodies if he didn't already have a ring. No one in that city cares about anything but tans and expensive cars and being seen draped in glitz. Fuck you Miami, you deserve nothing, go cheat on your equally vapid soulmate with an equally vapid soulmate-of-the-evening on South Beach. Charlotte is about the most offensively inept team in the league and they just added Tyson Chandler, garbagetastic in a Ceballos-esque way. Good thing they play D.

Southwest: Hope everyone stays healthy, Alamo, this is probably your last chance before the old folks' home comes calling to steal the contents of your wallet while you snooze. As for Mark Cuban's T-Shirt, the Shawn Marion of old might have helped, but Jason Kidd is, well, a year older. Noticing a theme amidst many of the contenders? Chris Paul is bad mofo/shut your mouth, but one could say, the Atlanta of the West. Which is funny 'cause I bet Byron Scott would love Marvin Williams and/or Joe Johnson in this gang of thinning ranks. Houston will scrap like Scrappy the Hero Pup, but without Yao and an increasingly useless McGrady, forget it. Lucky Mike Conley. With all those ball hogs, he could make a killing on taking bribes for passes. Or kneecapping Zach Randolph, but I doubt coaches pay all that well.

Northwest: If, if, if, Iffy McIfferson, Oden is healthy and angry, these dudes have the talent to knock off the Lakers. Seriously. They could also lose in the first round again. Seriously. Sorry, K-Mart and Co., talk all the pseudo-trash you want, too much went right last year and you still lost to La-La Land. Weren't the Jazz supposed to be the next big thing? Oh well, just trade Carlos the Traitor so Ronnie Millsap can get more minutes. I've got him on my fantasy team. Oklahoma City is Portland, Jr. and now we just need to see if they'll graduate out of the lottery or be stuck wearing Vitters. Even the Timberwolves are slowly climbing, but Kevin Love's busted hand is a setback.

Pacific: The Lakers, then everyone else, in varying states of on the border and suckitude. Phoenix is that Eagles song, though I'm still trying to figure out how to fit Amare's, oops, sorry, Amar'e's, wonky eyeball in, the Kings are anything but (well, maybe The Greeks Don't Want No Freaks, though Kevin Martin and Jason Thompson aren't all that bizarre), the Clippers have *gasp* talent, but good luck not eventually asking for a trade or a straitjacket, Blake Griffin, already out six weeks, and the Warriors are a walking, talking DSM-IV casebook and I love them for it, too bad Baron Davis now plays for the previously mentioned team 'cause that would make this squad super extra fun.

Eastern playoff teams: Cleveland, Orlando, Boston, Atlanta, Chicago, Philadelphia, Washington, Miami.

Western playoff teams: L.A. Lakers, San Antonio, Portland, Denver, Dallas, Utah, New Orleans, Phoenix.














NBA Finals: Yes, we'll get back to the finals. Yes, a city's heart is ripped out and shown to us once more, yet somehow I'll manage to not stick my head in the oven for one more year. Sometimes, I wish I didn't care for sports, I really do.

Thank you, sports gods. (Honestly, fuck off)

29 comments:

MRMacrum said...

Okay. I wrote a very insightful, pithy and clever comment. Punched the "publish" button and it all went the Hell. Internet Hell. Now some guy in Omaha is wondering where that odd comment came from on his "How I love Orchids" blog. Randal, you'd screw up a wet dream.

Anyway. I hope to hear of a Cleveland team at least looking like a threat or maybe even being talked about in positive tones by sports losers sitting around those ridiculous desks they set up in studios. Not even Cleveland deserves this.

Holte Ender said...

You said: Sometimes I wish I didn't care for sports . . . Well, when I moved hear from England 2 or 300 hundred years ago, I found no Soccer, no Rugby, no Cricket, no Shove Ha'penny, no Cribbage. Oh my god what am I going to do, I've made a terrible mistake? So I started watching the NFL, worked with a guy who only watched College Football, so I started watching that too, another guy loved College Basketball I got into that, same with Baseball. After a while, it seemed my whole life centered around, got to watch this game, then that game, this sport, that sport. It was like an addiction. I have weaned myself off the NBA, only watch the NCAA Tournament, 2 NFL games a week, NHL never, Baseball rarely. By the time I am 80-years-old I should be sports free.

sunshine said...

Can you wake me up when this post is over?
Thanks... Zzzzzzzzzzzz......

((Hugs))
Laura

Übermilf said...

All of these sports posts seem innocent enough, but that's because nobody sees you in your cheerleader uniform waving your pompoms.

The worst is when you try to do the splits. You do realize the typical cheerleader wears some sort of undergarment beneath those short skirts, right?

I feel sorry for your carpeting.

Beach Bum said...

Wake me when baseball is back.

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, oh man, don't get me started on orchids.

I, too, don't think we deserve it. Have we foisted any serial killers or tyrants upon the stage?

holte, but do you still live and die with old Aston Villa (or whomever you root for)? I could set up shop in Zanzibar and the Browns would still stomp on my innards.

sunshine, it'll be over next week.

übermilf, when you've got it, you flaunt it.

Randal Graves said...

BB, I can't wait to watch the Cleveland Indians pitch tomorrow night.

Mary Ellen said...

Do they have sports in the winter? Oh yeah...the World Series. Oh,and figure skating..er, I mean Hockey.

La Belette Rouge said...

You got one thing right, I live in the land of suckitude. Are the lakers still in L.A.? I thought they moved somewhere, somewhere like Florida or Oakland? No?

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I thought that the Cleveland Indians were only catchers.

Regards,

Tengrain

Dr. Zaius said...

The Cleveland Indians have lots of players, Tengrain. There's Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

Demeur said...

Holte we're slowly catching up to the rest of the civilized world and some day you may just see Manchester United play here. As for Cricket, never, too complicated for us simple American minds. Rugby? no we'd rather bomb other countries, far less violent.

Now may I put a permenant curse on Oklahoma. May they never win a final and surpass the Reds and the Cubs in losses.

Robert Rouse said...

I used to be a big time NBA guy. I grew up with the Indiana Pacers (back in the old ABA days) and knew several of the players. But after Reggie Miller retired, I lost interest and haven't really watched a game for quite a few years now. The NFL, on the other hand, is a two or three day a week happening. Right now it's Sunday and Monday, but later in the season we get the Thursday night game.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, seriously, you greedy bastards, get some doubleheaders so we don't have to start crowning a Mr. November.

LBR, expect a new show, Keeping Up With The Odoms, coming too a tube near you.

tengrain, they play like a broke down Fosse.

dr.zaius, groan, etc.

demeur, cricket is pretty wacky, I can see why the colonies decided to cut ties.

Sonics fan, I presume?

robert, here's your chance to jump on the Cavs bandwagon! Too bad the Clowns can't grab one of those Thursday games, it's a trainwreck of a treat to see just how bad they are. I think the Rams would beat us.

S.W. Anderson said...

"Sometimes I wish I didn't care for sports."

You've got plenty of company. ;)

Honestly, Randal, if you were to have an equivalent command of businesses and the stock market, you could be dictating your blog posts to some ex-Playboy centerfold babe while sipping champagne and nibbling some exquisitely expensive imported cheese. And, the only wheelie bus you'd be involved with would be the $150,000 rolling mansion in which you tour the continent.

Oh, and brain-dead ezine editors would be thrilled to get your autograph on their favorite cat o' nine tails, much less an actual horror story you authored.

Think about that.

Christopher said...

Since coming to New York, CC Sabathia has definitely discovered the joys of Ray's Original Pizza.

He's really packed on the pounds.

I'm surprised the Yankees team doctor hasn't put him a diet.

susan said...

Never mind, Randal. I stopped caring for sports and I'm still as poor as I was before. At least you can console yourself that you haven't wasted your best years doing home improvement projects.

Tom Harper said...

Not being a sports fan, the baffled commenter searched vainly for something to say...

Hill said...

Randal, you make even sports sound interesting...

:)

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sunshine said...

Ready to get your ass kicked at basketball tonight?
My husband and his brother will be at that game. Hopefully sending some bad mojo to "yousguys"...
Muwhahahhhahahahaha!

Ciao for Niao!
Laura

Randal Graves said...

SWA, two of my favorite things are metal and sports, and those are the two things you wankers hate. Now who's the loon? ;-)

Do they even make non-replica cats-o-nine-tails these days?

christopher, when you go 2-0 with a sub-2.00 ERA in the LCS, you can eat whatever you wish.

susan, At least you can console yourself that you haven't wasted your best years doing home improvement projects.

Ain't that the truth.

I bet my roof starts leaking.

tom, did you get your Carmen Miranda threads back from the dry cleaners?

hill, another sports hater! You're all communists!

sunshine, I wasn't thrilled with our garbage bench last night, but if we lose to Toronto, I'll probably set something on fire.

sunshine said...

I have a feeling you're going to have to have some matches ready.
Tee hee.... ;P

Cormac Brown said...

"Oden is healthy and angry, these dudes have the talent to knock off the Lakers."

True, but it ain't gonna happen. Do you think it's a coincidence that Amare gets that microfracture surgery every other year and that he can't stay healthy? Oden gets the same and how many games has he played altogether?

I seriously wonder if there isn't a correlation between microfracture and brittle tall men.

By the way, I don't follow baseball and I was wondering why this Cliff Lee guy was dominating the Yanks, it makes sense that he came from the Indians. The Warriors are the basketball equivalent, we were the farm team for about eight All-Stars for other teams, during the 90's.

Randal Graves said...

Amare did go for 20 and 9 in 82 games after, and 25 and 9 in 79 games the following year. I'm not saying everyone should have microfracture surgery parties (would really cut into the abortion parties we have lined up) but it's not a death sentence. Plus, Portland has enough depth that Oden doesn't have to play 38+ minutes. Plus+, I just hate the fucking Lakers.

At least we let Lee win his Cy here. You guys traded Webber after his rookie season. ;-)

Cormac Brown said...

Ugh, don't remind me. Now Nellie is going to give away Stephen Jackson and Monta Ellis for a swizzle stick, a Rambler hubcap, and half-eaten turkey sandwich.

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