Thank you

"Looking this swanky, how can we lose?"

"True, but shouldn't we thank the little people first?"

Thank you, Aaron Rodgers, for carving up the hapless Cleveland defense. (Honestly, you led one of my fantasy teams to victory)

Thank you, horror ezine, for rejecting my story. (Honestly, it is quite, er, horrible. Given what else is up there, I don't blame you a quarter of one bit)

Thank you, Killer Tomato, for after over a decade, you finally decided to rot. (Honestly, better now than in the dead of winter during a blizzard on the way to pick up you lazy kids I walked 75 miles in the snow without shoes to schzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............)

Thank you, Cleveland Indians, for having both C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee starting World Series games. For other teams. (Honestly, I can't wait for the minor leaguers we received to help lead yet another team to the World Series)

Atlantic: Sure, Rasheed may be a volatile knucklehead, but he can be a quality volatile knucklehead (or maybe Big Baby deserves that sobriquet a bit more these days) and Old Man Garnett does need to rest those creaky knees now and then. Philadelphia should be on the unhappy, drunken (it's Philly) side of .500; Elton Brand can't be that much of a DNP-INACTIVE again, can he? Toronto will score, thus an entertaining evening diversion. New York will try to score (lest we forget, D'Antoni the Alchemist is stalking the sidelines) and New Jersey will try.

Central: Barring extraterrestrial intervention, we'll win the division in back-to-back seasons for the first time in franchise history which sounds exceedingly lame, I know. Sure, the Bulls have some of that abstract 'talent,' but if you want to trust the consistency of their frontcourt, well, it's a free country. Joe Dumars' brain has melted in his cranial cauldron, though check back in a couple of years to see if he was playing fifteen-dimensional chess and actually has a plan ha ha ha, Indiana is floundering midst rebuilding (but there are some pieces -- Danny Granger is a sumbitch -- and they could surprise) and the Bucks will probably trade their last few useful players by February.

Southeast: Fucking Orlando. Yes, it still stings. Atlanta, destined to be first round fodder again. I don't care that they made it to the second round, the East has three teams and various orders of suckery. Sorry, DC, stay 100% healthy and you still won't get out of the first round either no matter how much of a tough guy DeShawn Role Player thinks he is. I'd almost feel sorry for Dwayne Wade and his Merry Gang Of Nobodies if he didn't already have a ring. No one in that city cares about anything but tans and expensive cars and being seen draped in glitz. Fuck you Miami, you deserve nothing, go cheat on your equally vapid soulmate with an equally vapid soulmate-of-the-evening on South Beach. Charlotte is about the most offensively inept team in the league and they just added Tyson Chandler, garbagetastic in a Ceballos-esque way. Good thing they play D.

Southwest: Hope everyone stays healthy, Alamo, this is probably your last chance before the old folks' home comes calling to steal the contents of your wallet while you snooze. As for Mark Cuban's T-Shirt, the Shawn Marion of old might have helped, but Jason Kidd is, well, a year older. Noticing a theme amidst many of the contenders? Chris Paul is bad mofo/shut your mouth, but one could say, the Atlanta of the West. Which is funny 'cause I bet Byron Scott would love Marvin Williams and/or Joe Johnson in this gang of thinning ranks. Houston will scrap like Scrappy the Hero Pup, but without Yao and an increasingly useless McGrady, forget it. Lucky Mike Conley. With all those ball hogs, he could make a killing on taking bribes for passes. Or kneecapping Zach Randolph, but I doubt coaches pay all that well.

Northwest: If, if, if, Iffy McIfferson, Oden is healthy and angry, these dudes have the talent to knock off the Lakers. Seriously. They could also lose in the first round again. Seriously. Sorry, K-Mart and Co., talk all the pseudo-trash you want, too much went right last year and you still lost to La-La Land. Weren't the Jazz supposed to be the next big thing? Oh well, just trade Carlos the Traitor so Ronnie Millsap can get more minutes. I've got him on my fantasy team. Oklahoma City is Portland, Jr. and now we just need to see if they'll graduate out of the lottery or be stuck wearing Vitters. Even the Timberwolves are slowly climbing, but Kevin Love's busted hand is a setback.

Pacific: The Lakers, then everyone else, in varying states of on the border and suckitude. Phoenix is that Eagles song, though I'm still trying to figure out how to fit Amare's, oops, sorry, Amar'e's, wonky eyeball in, the Kings are anything but (well, maybe The Greeks Don't Want No Freaks, though Kevin Martin and Jason Thompson aren't all that bizarre), the Clippers have *gasp* talent, but good luck not eventually asking for a trade or a straitjacket, Blake Griffin, already out six weeks, and the Warriors are a walking, talking DSM-IV casebook and I love them for it, too bad Baron Davis now plays for the previously mentioned team 'cause that would make this squad super extra fun.

Eastern playoff teams: Cleveland, Orlando, Boston, Atlanta, Chicago, Philadelphia, Washington, Miami.

Western playoff teams: L.A. Lakers, San Antonio, Portland, Denver, Dallas, Utah, New Orleans, Phoenix.














NBA Finals: Yes, we'll get back to the finals. Yes, a city's heart is ripped out and shown to us once more, yet somehow I'll manage to not stick my head in the oven for one more year. Sometimes, I wish I didn't care for sports, I really do.

Thank you, sports gods. (Honestly, fuck off)