Friday, October 16, 2009

I feel pretty, oh so pretty

Pretty noose
Pretty vacant
Pretty tied up
Pretty woman
Pretty please
Pretty in pink
Pretty tired
Pretty dead

Know what wouldn't make me feel pretty? The gravel sonic boom voiced by a lab-grown larynx whose DNA was spliced from strands of Louie Armstrong, Lou Rawls and Tom Waits and subsequently implanted in my neck. But I'd be able to scare the fuck out of trick or treaters. Or I can simply hire the kid of these attention whores:

Now I really feel pretty. Fucking awesome.


sunshine said...

Beautiful song. I love it. :)

I can't believe I fell for this story. I was really worried about this kid.


Christopher said...

Amazing shit, huh?

A six year old boy and his balloon managed to punk all of cable news for hours yesterday.

These peckerheads didn't even break for commercials.

Übermilf said...

I think you should take your gravelly-voiced sexiness down to the local cigar bar and start belting out torch songs.

Also, Balloon Boy is the best news story of 2009.

Mary Ellen said...

I love the picture of the older brother looking all grossed out as his kid brother pukes. Man...that kid's gonna have plenty of stories to tell when he gets older.

Oh...and as the story was on TV and they couldn't find the kid, I kept yelling, "Check the cardboard box". My brother was with me at the time and thought I was going crazy. Then I told him how my grandson came up missing one time and I had to call the police. They came out and helped me check the house and they had police cars in the neighborhood looking all over for him. Just as the police told me that I should call my daughter to tell her what's going on, my grandson popped out of a cardboard box that I had packed with clothes to go to charity. The cop said he walked by that box a few times,but there was no movement and it was closed up so he didn't bother.

Needless to say, I could have killed my grandson, but the cop thought it was hilarious.

Always check the cardboard boxes for missing kids.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, I fucking love that album, certainly on this decade's Mt. Rushmore.

Assume everything is bullshit until they discover the corpse.

christopher, but who else has the power to tell us what's important?

übermilf, I'm not sure I can fit into these sultry threads anymore.

99 Luftballoons!

nunly, what's in the box!?!?!?

that kid's gonna have plenty of stories to tell when he gets older to his therapist.

Holte Ender said...

Louis, Lou and Tom singing together, what a picture you have painted.

MRMacrum said...

You can feel pretty all you want. But "feeling" it does not make it so.

Dusty said...

I second Übermilf's idea! ;)

Christopher said...

CNN's Kyra Phillips: "Our sources report the boy has fallen out! He's not in the balloon."

CNN's Rick Sanchez: "If he's fallen out then where is the body? I want a body!"

MSNBC's David Shuster: "Neighbors report the parents are 'amateur scientists! storm chasers!'"

MSNBC's Tamron Hall: "Reporters on the ground say the boy's parent's backyard has...., trees!"

FIXED Noise's Shepard Smith: "If the boy is alive and still in the balloon, then this will be a ride he never forgets. If he's still alive, that is."

Demeur said...

Boy throws up on the Today show and hence forth the great swine flu epidemic of 2009 was started in New York City.

S.W. Anderson said...

Little Pukester belongs at home, standing in a corner. The Today show got what it deserved for exsploiting this episode. If the kid ends up on Larry King and gets his face on the cover of People, I think I'll barf too.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, your post got me to guessing about your voice. Could it be . . .?

(Be sure to scroll down to where you can click to hear the music.)

sunshine said...

I think I'm going to have to look for this song now. :) I've been listening to it off and on all day.

Sounds like something I need on my ipod.


TomCat said...

I'm just glad that the kid wasn't in the balloon.

Beach Bum said...

At least it took that fat bastard Rush Limbaugh off the news and his whining about not getting a NFL team.

Tom Harper said...

Balloon Boy came along just in time. The "media" was running out of missing hikers and runaway brides to distract everybody.

The combined DNA of Lou Rawls, Louis Armstrong and Tom Waits -- now there's a voice that could belt out a tune.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You missed the real scoop: the Douchebag father farts at Diane Sawyer, something I have longed to do myself, especially now that she is everyone's favorite morning drunk. I have the vid at my place.



sunshine said...

Back again to listen to your song! :P

Randal Graves said...

holte, I'm still debating whether it would sound unbelievably cool, or be Lovecraftian in its horror.

mrmacrum, I can still pretty on the ins - yeah, you're right.

dusty, you want me to get fired and starve?

christopher, they're showing that not all acid trips are fun.

demeur, at least vomiting, unlike yawning, isn't contagious.

SWA, but that's an iconic image of our era. I think Time needs to put out another one of their photo collections.

Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are!

sunshine, I think the album is out of print, thus, I can set you up with the other tracks.

tomcat, I'll admit, I was fully expecting them to find the dad's stash in there.

BB, We Are All Rush Limbaugh Now, which means I've got an addiction to Oxycontin. Great.

tom, sorry, no time to comment, I'm hiking the Appalachian trail with my balloon.

tengrain, cheapening the fart joke? That bastard!

sunshine, I should charge royalties. ;-)

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, did you listen to the lyrics? You could probably have some workplace fun with that song.

susan said...

When I first heard it was going on my first reaction was to remember Bart Simpson in the well. PT Barnum had it right.

Dr. Zaius said...

Hey! Don't be mean! Not every kid can throw up on cue. :o)