Saturday, December 19, 2009

In league with Satan

No, not me.

I'm not so sure I'd trust the devil's floor game.

Pitchfork'll get in the way.



Remember when the internets was cool, when you could type in

bloody pitchfork

and NOT return page after page of Pitchfork®-approved® hipster indie-electro-punk-post-whatever bands? 80s hair shit or this striped-shirt beardo crap, cockroaches climbing over my string quartet power chording black tees, clap your hands say fuck off. It's entirely plausible that my The Google-Fu is the contents of a septic tank, in fact I'm Shirley Serious, but is the second Friday the 13th the only source where there's a pitchfork that might even possibly maybe have some of the red stuff dripping off, pretty please?

Maybe I'm just lazy.

Skinemax used to play this flick over and over in the primeval days of cable. I think I had a mini-crush on Amy Steel. Check out that determination.

Yes, part of the blame lies with the torture pornography industry that insists on devising ever more esoteric ways of slicing and dicing, where o where has my pitchfork gone, where o where could old-fashioned pitchfork DVD stills clogging the tubes beeeee?.

Insert clever quip here.



Holte Ender said...

The good old days, when the pitchfork was the weapon of choice.

Clever Quip - I can cure you of Paraskevidekatriaphobia . . .

sunshine said...

Torture Porn industry! Yikes!
That sounds.. *gulp* horrible!


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Try using hay fork or compost fork, you'll be bound to find something more to your liking.

I cannot believe I have to explain how to use the Google Juice to you.



Tom Harper said...

Those halcyon days when music was at its best. Today's drivel can't compare to the good old days of "Pitchfork®-approved® hipster indie-electro-punk-post-whatever bands." They ruled.

Beach Bum said...

I had a mini-crush on Amy Steel.

Mine was on Faye Grant from the original "V" series. Now its on Elizabeth Mitchell from the new version. I've sure as Hell grown older but certainly not up.

TomCat said...

Someday the denizens of hell will freeze to death, and you will be overjoyed, Randal. You will know that the Browns have won the Super Bowl.

Christopher said...

Heaven and Hell. Such antiquated colloquialisms.

Too bad there isn't Hell. Then, all the pedophile Catholic priests who molested little boys over the decades would be sent there for eternity.

Cheney, Mao, Stalin, Rush and Annthrax Coulter, too.

Demeur said...

What no chainsaw? How disappointing. I thought that was a necessity back then.

susan said...

It's so hard to darn pitchfork holes.. especially when they're in putrescent corpses that have been chasing you around the barn. Them I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pitchfork or pole.

libhom said...

It could be worse. He could have been willing to play Santa.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I think you could create a truly unique TV viewing experience by taking your plight, or at least how troubling it is to you, to Dr. Phil, for a meaningful discussion.

MRMacrum said...

You complained on my blog about the Internet eating your comment. Well, I am now postive the Internet has determined that any comment of mine made to this post specifically will be tabled until Hell freezes over. Or is this your way of getting back at me? ;)

I have always contended the more basic tools of murder offer the most scare bang for the buck. Maybe it's the up close personal way a knife slices into flesh or a pitch fork skewers it's intended victim. Guns, explosions, and intricate torture machines may cause a brief uptick on the shock and awe index, but nothing lasts in the memory like trying to consider what it would be like to have your throat cut.

Holte Ender said...

Well now we know for sure what ex-Martyball team is the worst. Chiefs are No. 1 worst baby, we're no. 1, we're no. 1 . . .

Anonymous said...

Dear Author !

I am think you would be smart if you were showing the kindness to Ubermilf because she is so smart and pretty.

It is seeming to me that would be excellent idea.

Dr. Zaius said...

Don't knock the pitchfork. It is still the most accepted fashion accessory of disgruntled villagers and angry mobs worldwide. ;o)

Randal Graves said...

holte, Is there a cure for badsequelaphobia?

sunshine, watching Congress in flagrante delicto, now that's horrible.

tengrain, I want blood, dammit. Are you suggesting that the Real American farmer doesn't know how to properly wield a pitchfork? Why do you hate your country, hippie?

tom, preach it, brother. Where are all the trying-too-hard-to-be-clever acts?

BB, that was mandatory viewing back in the old days.

tomcat, you've found a way to an alternate universe?

christopher, just not Anthrax. Not that their last couple of albums are that good.

demeur, those limbs won't chop themselves off.

susan, blood is much easier to clean off that decaying pus.

libhom, isn't it a federal law that mall Santas are supposed to be decaying old men?

SWA, you think NHL teevee ratings are bad? Yeesh.

mrmacrum, hear ye, hear ye. Elaborate devices may be the product of a cunning, deranged mind, but they lack that personal touch one only finds with hand-held weaponry.

holte, I thought I was having an acid trip watching that game. You guys want to trade receiving corps? Yours can't catch and ours can't get open.

dear übermilf in disguise, kindness must be earned!

dr. zaius, exactly my point! Would the battle between dearest Amy and Mr. Voorhees been as epic if she had been toting an AK-47?