*awesomely cheesy theme music*
Chuck Barris: Welcome to the show, I'm *sniff* your host Chuck Barris!
Jaye P. Morgan: The acts better not be as bad as last time, Chuck. I almost threw up.
Chuck Barris: I promise you, they'll be *sniff* lovely! Up first, Bee Bee the Dancing Machine!
Rip Taylor: That belongs on the $1.98 Dancing Pageant!
Chuck Barris: That was *sniff* pretty awful, but watch out for our next act! Please welcome, A Little Off-Broadway!
The Unknown Comic: I knew one of the judges would toss their cookies.
Chuck Barris: For the worst act of the week, a dirty sock and $516.32, which, in this economy, won't even snag one grain of coke! That's all the time we have tonight *sniff* so tune in tomorrow for the next episode of *wipe* The Pretzeldential Gong Show! Good night, everybody!
*original concept by SWA