Monday, December 21, 2009


Best special teams player on planet earth. That I get.

This is don't. Walrus, a little help?

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of fronts--and gaps--and cover 2--
Executive pay--hey, I dig those blings--
Mayhap I'll coach 'em up, too--
Remember, I've got one of those rings."

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Linemen of the largest size,
Receivers that can separate
And passers sans blindest eyes.

"But wait a bit," the Dawg Pound cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are stinking drunk,
And some of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the The Lerner Man.
They thanked him much for that.

"A five-year plan," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Nose tackles and corners besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Dawg Pound dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not without French Onion dip!" the Dawg Pound cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such spending sprees, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"This luxury box is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Lerner Man said nothing but
"Mangenius--shall we start to slice?
I wish Big Tuna you were--
I'll have to pay you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
But I want full personnel power,
So better sign me quick!"
The Lerner Man said nothing but
"Failure, like thieves, is so thick!"

"O ten-dollar beer," said the Dawg Pound,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be stumbling home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd drunk every one.


okjimm said...

Oh... Bravo. That was really good. Hey, I ain't jerking you. Goood. Realllll goood. I know, you're probably sitting there thinking, " Oh shit, the asshole is pulling a leg again." Nope. that was really really good. I liked it.

.. and trust me... it is a lot better than a Big Ben Razzleburger pass to the edge of the end zone.... WITH NO TIME ON THE CLOCK! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH PEPTO-FUCKING-DISMAL I HAD TO DRINK TO GET OVER THAT SHIT!!!

i need to take a valium again.

Christopher said...


Mary Ellen said...

One of your best, Randal. :-D

I had my own football post today...freakin' frakin' Bears. I imagine Lovie is cleaning out his office as I type this.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, man, I couldn't believe every single fucking break going Pittsburgh's way. The son of the former Browns great definitely got the sack+FF+FR. And how many downfield contact penalties were called on that last drive? 186?

christopher, I won't be laughing if it's another 10-loss season next year (which it no doubt will be).

nunly, hey, thank Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. ;-)

We both know your Bears suck (too many injuries on D and a incredibly poor o-line), but they've at least fought hard (if hard-headed) when I've seen them. They've almost given up.

What's the coaching rumor mill out that way, assuming Lovie is toast?

Sherry Peyton said...

Ummm, is this my cue to say: "better luck next year?" By the howling coming from the Contrarian, I'd guess it's about the right time, since you all are probably still holding on by your tonsils. But I'm here to say, the Packers are sucky again. What is new?

sunshine said...

Is this what you were busy writing all weekend?
Since I don't know anything about football per say... :p ...
I'll just leave you with a hug..


MRMacrum said...

As others have said - Just excellent Randal. You nailed the sentiment I am sure of thousands of Browns fans. A very frustrating game, season, etc.

This poem rocked.

Liberality said...

See, you are a poet!

Does this poem have anything to do with the Colts being undefeated again this year? (I think--last I heard anyway, and believe you me, I DID NOT want to hear it.)

But you all obsess so over these prices, and rings, and hurts, and tackles. It boggles my mind all the emotion that goes into it. And a waste too but ya all don't care what I think.

But the poem IS good like OKJimm said from start to finish.

Randal Graves said...

sherry, sucky? They're 9-5! Granted, they got jobbed by the refs, but they're still making the playoffs. The only thing the Clowns will be making is guacamole.

sunshine, hell no, cut and paste from the looking glass and alter the text. I'm not clever. ;-)

mrmacrum, I wanted to celebrate Regime Change #3992 since we came back into the league.

liberality, hey, all we do as a species is fuck each other over and let ourselves be fucked over during the years leading up to the sun going red giant, so gotta entertain yourself somehow. I save the rage for the sports and the sap for actual verse.

And yes, the Colts are still undefeated, but will probably blow it somewhere along the way. ;-)

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

The estate of Lewis Carol is going to descend upon you like some many linebackers...

Actually, I enjoyed it. At first I thought it was going to be another sports post, but then I realized it was about the Browns.



Übermilf said...

You're always jabbering your wocky.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Unlike 80% of all dykes, I don't watch, or even understand football.
All I know about major televised football games is it's a great time to go shopping.

Beach Bum said...

Great poem, as for football I'm pulling for the Saints next year which is a sure sign they will suck again.

Demeur said...

Graves, you fool! You forgot the Steelers paid off the refs (he said recalling a certain Superbowl touchdown that never broke the goal line plane).

As for Big Mike, he should get you to the playoffs after that you're on your own. Just don't sign up any has beens like the Sea Hawks.

Mary Ellen said...

Hey, it's 9:30...where's your new post, you slacker! ;-)

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, I see you doubt the Awesome Powers of the Walrus, googoogajoob.

übermilf, if it feels good, do it.

karen, those of us saddled with Clowns don't really understand football either since we haven't seen it in years.

BB, since my team is in the dumps, I'd have no problem rooting for the Saints. Which means they won't win it.

demeur, my favorite play from that Subpar Bowl was the phantom holding call.

nunly, burnout, dammit! You want me to start posting more death metal, don't you. ;-)

Cormac Brown said...

And The Walrus said, "yes." It almost makes me want to fly to Cleveland in the middle of winter, just to watch him Matt Stover Mangini over the goal posts.

Dr. Zaius said...

You compare Alice in Wonderland to football? That's blasphemy! :o(

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