Monday, November 19, 2007

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 10

Dear Browns,

Before I begin my personalized wrapup of yet another exciting victory, I would humbly ask that you stop sticking your hands in our collective chest, bursting through our ribcage, grasping our heart, ripping it out through the carnage, throwing it on the filthy, chewed-up turf, stomping on it, putting it back together like it was a Lego set made of flesh and sticking it back in so that we have enough time to watch yet another white-knuckle nailbiter. And please, don’t ever pull that fucking field goal-as-pinball wizardry again.

- with all sincerity, Randal

The Good: remember Brian Sipe? Many years ago, back in the heyday of pot and Blue Oyster Cult-fueled UFO sightings, his taller sibling got abducted by aliens, was kept in statis thereby preventing ageing, and was returned to us in 2006 to be our quarterback. Eat your heart out, Devin Hester. Joshua Cribbs is the baddest return man in the NFL. That man runs with authority. Over 300 return yards? Phil Dawson, I will toast you this evening as I did last night. Drunken Randal sang his praises.

The Bad: sweet Beelzebub, that pass defense. Kyle Boller looked like vintage Steve McNair. And, guess what? He’s not. We’re that bad, true believers. In addition, when the other team, who has arguably the shittiest offense in the league by the way, gives you superior field position through the gift of multiple turnovers, score touchdowns, not field goals.

The Ugly: stop with the fucking penalties! How many false starts were there? 752? And Commish, when your vaunted replay system - which obviously runs on a Microsoft product - craps out, use a television. I’m sure you could find one or two in a half-a-billion dollar stadium.

Up next: on the rainy, windswept shores of Lake Erie against the most nondescript team in the league, Houston. We're not good enough to assume a freebie - did you see that fucking defense? - but dammit, this is certainly winnable.

10 comments:

pissed off patricia said...

I will never hear about the Browns in the future without thinking of you. Yesterday in a sports bar, watching about 199 games at the same time, every time the Browns were mentioned I said to myself Randal must be having a heart attack.

The Cowboys looked less than good yesterday but they pulled off another one. When the center hiked the ball at the wrong time and hit Romo in the head, it was a pee in your pants funny moment.

PoliShifter said...

I'm still waiting for my team, Miami, to just WIN ONE GAME...that's all I'm asking ONE GAME...

So STFU about the browns you cry baby!

b said...

Another brutal week. I feel your pain, but on the West Coast. Polishifter has a point...it could be worse! Still not quite the answer one is looking for though, is it?

Randal Graves said...

POP, I think I had three. I did that watching that stupid ass Cowboys game. I figured you and Candace would be having a field day. And yeah, they weren't sharp, especially the defense, and Washington blew a few coverages, but even the good teams have a semi-off day now and then.

Poli, Marlins in 1997, 2004. Heat in 2006. I've never seen a title, so methinks I will not STFU mon frère. When it comes to sports misery, Cleveland Rocks.

b, hell no, and what is up with your Chargers? Anyone could've figured that hiring Norv Turner was a bad idea, but to have this much regression? At least they're in the AFC West!

pissed off patricia said...

Living in South Florida, we get the Dolphins shoved down our throats no matter if they are doing well or awful. You wouldn't know down here that Florida has two other football teams.

A lot of the Dolphins fans remind me of the Eagles fans. They just love to stomp on their team when they suck.

Mr. Pop has been a Bucs fan since the Bucs first started the team. He was born in Tampa and grew up there. Talk about someone who had to wait a long time to get excited about his team. The year they won the Super Bowl it was like the answer to a long over due prayer. He was so freakin' fired up.

The Cowboys game that will tell the tale for them will be when they meet Green Bay. Hopefully they will have that Center straightened out by then or he'll maybe just be gone. Jeez, that was awful.

dguzman said...

As a Cowboys fan, I'm just enjoying the winning; I don't care how they get it done. If they're doing it with mirrors, who cares--they're winning. However, I'm really worried about the Cowboys/Packers game. I'm praying Favre gets really drunk the night before, and that some of their guys don't show up. Go Cowboys!

Randal Graves said...

POP, oh, that Tampa Bay win was terrible. The joke of all sports jokes, and even they won the big one. Not that they didn't deserve it, that was a brutal defense. That Dallas-Green Bay game is, on paper, an excellent matchup, and either can certainly win.

dguzman, oh, jeez, another Cowboys fan. I think I'm going to cry. Do you all have blogs? :)

Mary Ellen said...

The only team I truly despise is the Packers...I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!!! Stupid Cheeseheads.

fairlane said...

PoP knows how I feel about the Cowboys. She had to obtain a special permit to visit Jonestown.

I'm a Redwings fan myself, and look forward to them winning the World Series this year.

Nah, I just don't like football too much.

I do like avocados though, and they are really good in a salad with grape tomatoes.

TomCat said...

My Broncos had the Titans for lunch!! :-)