Sunday, November 4, 2007

Third-party endorsements

I've long been an ardent supporter of Cthulhu For President, but you know what? That sonofabitch never stops by. Ever. I'm fully aware that the real destroyer of worlds - shut up, Shiva, you're a mere child to the cosmic senior citizen that is the Tentacled One; he's had a Golden Buckeye card since the Mesozoic - is, aside from not having digits of any sort that would permit him to type on a human keyboard, a busy entity of amorphous death, dismemberment and digestion - do Old Ones digest? - but come on. My check cleared.

Watching from afar the suddenly nasty turn of events in various internets campaigns, I've become quite flummoxed. It doesn't help that this blog is merely a few months old and I have no idea who the hell these fuckers are, nor they who I am. Behind their sweet and charming internet persona they could all be Grade-A lunatics. Hell, one is a fucking piece of technology. Can you really have a beer with that? And another even publicly states on his website that man is a pestilence. I know what you're thinking: Cthulhu is going to obliterate you, me and every other creature on this inconsequential ball of molten rock floating aimlessly through the frozen, uncaring cosmos once the stars are right, so what's the big deal? Elementary, my dear Watson: I don't know when the hell that is! The simian physician is here on planet Earth as I type this right now, fully armed and ready to rumble. You saw what happened to that one dude in Beneath the Planet of the Apes. Cold blood man, cold blood. As for Dr. Monkey, his endorsement of my own representative from the rarely-great state of Ohio for President is a monumental mark in his favor, simply because Mrs. K is such a complete Babe of Babely Babeness.

"Lookie who I get to shag! Woo!"

However, given that none of these candidates has had the fortitude, the iron constitution, the mind-numbing boredom the brass, er, breasts to brave the thoroughly staining mediocrity of this blog - good luck finding any detergent to get that out; believe me, I've tried - to leave words for posterity, for eternity, I had no choice whatsoever but to endorse someone who wasn't even running, the lovely FranIAm, for President of the United States. Until she decided to chicken out and endorse the murdering ape. Wishy-washy politicians all! The good doctor wants to use us as his personal lab rats, but his running mate is a babe, as is the running mate of Dr. Monkey, so you can see how my red-blooded American heterosexuality could, er, monkey up the voting process, but the latter likes hockey, and as my 1.3 readers are well aware, there aren't enough hockey fans in the United States. So I supposed that after much soul-searching, I would have to vote for Dr. Monkey.

Until I saw that le singe qui assassine les humains parle français ! Vous avez mon vote, Dr. Zaius !

That didn't convince anyone? Oh well. Since I'm unfortunately out of alcohol - come on, stores, open! - it kept me from having to deal with reality for a few minutes, plus it fulfills the daily NaBloPoMo requirement, so it's a win for yours truly. I care about you about as much as Cthulhu does.

Unless you send cash. Then I'll love you like Randal Dennis loves Elizabeth. It's a platonic love, you fucking sexaholics!


La Belette Rouge said...

Thanks for expanding my cultural references. If it weren't for you I might have never learned who Cthulhu was. However, since he’s not been in the debates, I think I might have been better off with my cultural references staying as they were. Monkeys, robots and vampire octopi, this is feeling like a hangover, a psychotic break, or a dream...not sure if it is yours or mine. :)

Randal Graves said...

An informed voter is a smart voter. Just doing my patriotic duty to help my fellow bloggers. Now, regarding spirit-fueled reveries, debilitating headaches and/or psychoses, you're on your own. :)

SamuraiFrog said...

It's a quandary; why do you think I took a position in the government of Mars and rocketed the hell away from the campaign? I was running Dr. Monkey's campaign, but the guy goes through running mates like tissue.

Candace said...

This is so sad. You've been taken in by the heretical FSM wannabe Cthulhu, who, in a pathetic attempt to resemble The Flying Spaghetti Monster, stuck an octopus on Richard Nixon's head. Those tentacles may fool some (Randal, la bette rouge), but sooner or later you'll find out The Truth: there is NO SACRED SAUCE! Nay, nor even a meatball shall Cthulhu give ye in thy time of need.

Repent, that ye may be touched by His Noodly Appendage. RAmen.

Randal Graves said...

samuraifrog, so you're saying that interplanetary voyaging might be the best option? Depending on how the campaign goes, I'll have to keep that in mind.

Candance, you do not understand. There's nothing mystical or supernatural about Cthulhu or Yog-Sothoth. They were here before the first bacteria and they will be here after this planet is no more.

They ARE coming and we will all be DESTROYED! MUAHAHAHAHAHA, etc, etc!

FranIAm said...

Hey- I am just doing the "Amurkan thang" and letting my endorsement get bought.

Why the hell not?

Thanks for endorsing me for a nano-second however, really it means a lot!

Dr. Zaius said...

Your endorsment of a simian world leader from the future is a wise choice! I am surprised that I missed this post, and I apologize for being so late to respond to it. I must confess, my eyesight is not so good and I find the type on your blog very small and difficult to read. Thank you fro your endorsment! I have added an update to the latest election post linking to your post. Thanks again!