The solution?
Start salutin', motherfuckers. (How's that for a campaign slogan? Very Commander-In-Chiefy and sure to please both the jingoistic patriotic right and the vulgar, angry left.)
Now come on, Madame Future President, doesn't that kick a wee bit more campaignin' ass than ska? Loud guitars will bring down the bloodthirsty plutocracy! (Yeah, I know it didn't work before. That's because it was too mellow, man, ya dig? Damn hippies.)
Know what else loud guitars kill maim indefinitely imprison deafen besides fascists? Thieves!
Do we really want anymore of those?
First, campaign employees, next, your chocolate cake!
Kleptomania steals children's dreams.
Vote Diva/Nunly '08.
*I'm assuming Diva approves this message. Paid for by someone.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Salute Your Solution*
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38 comments:
Great work, Sir! I'm sure the masses will love it (that's to say "be totally sucked in").
Randal, THIS is exactly why you are the campaign manager, and I am merely the puppet -- I mean, candidate.
And yes, the guitar work on that little tune was feisty as all hell, but I am a damn pinko commie hippy from the 60s and like mellow. You can play all the metal you wish in your office, and when you become Chief of Staff, in your section of the office.
And let's get something about my support of happy underpants, kittens, moonbeams, puppies, rainbows and chocolate cake out there too.
And yes, I have seen Dogma, more than once, because it is a brilliant movie. It's hilarious, AND spiritual.
Oh yes...The Raconteurs! I want that piped into my Vice Presidential office every morning while I sit back and have my secretary fetch my morning coffee and bagel. That is, of course, if I'm so blessed as to be in the White House with Diva come January of 08 (did that sound humble enough?)
Love love love the pic of Dr.Zaius!
Already the negative campaigning begins. I'm SHOCKED I tell you, SHOCKED!
This could get as ugly as the real thing!
Dude...what's wrong with the Ska? There's some loud kick ass guitars there, too. Oh so what if there's a horn blaring in the background. Good choice on The Raconteurs.
Love the new ad! Can't wait for the poo to start flying!
BE, that's the plan, lure those dumbass voters in! I hope no one was taping that. It's the internets, I should be fine.
diva, hey, I'm no Cheney. That's just a whole other level of evil. Chief of Staff? Wow, following in the footsteps of such luminaries as H.R. Haldeman, Richard Cheney, Mr. north/south/east/west of Tikrit, James Baker, Andy Card. Sniff.
I'll get to work on that next message. Dogma is great, but nothing will top Clerks. I was great in that!
ME, first Weezer, now these guys? I think you're pulling our leg with this whole 'oh, I'm so old I don't know the young people's music' schtick.
For the record, I didn't steal that picture, I found it in the tubes.
UC, negative campaigning? We're merely giving what the people want, the truth.
dcup, imagine if we all hated each other!
spartacus, I'm certainly not against horns, but I've yet to hear any ska that drops a sick, bone-crushing power chord. It's all too dancy for me. ;-)
Perhaps, in lieu of campaign signs, we should distribute rain slickers!
Randal- Speaking of Weezer, they made an appearance on my blog today. I can't get Pork and Beans out of my head now.
I think I'm gonna put that pic of Zaius on my sidebar...it cracks me up every time I see it.
I'm still wavering because of your blatantly pro-Pete Carroll/ USC Championship platform.
Were you really in Clerks? I love Clerks. Or are you just taking advantage of the fact that I am a natural blonde? And as for the Chief of Staff bit, I was just following the Bartlett plan - on the West Wing, Leo McGarry was his campaign manager and then became Chief of Staff. Really. It worked on TeeVee.
ME, I'm guessing that's a song of theirs? See, I'm out of touch, too.
Randal's photoshop = Paint.
dean, who? Me? I hate USC, almost as much as Michigan and Notre Dame. diva's from Chi-cah-go, so I can't imagine she's a big Trojan fan.
Hey man, if you're still interested in the football, send me an email. I didn't notice a contact deal at your place!
diva, and the sequel! You completely lost me on the West Wing reference, so I'll take your word for it. I am, after all, a natural blond.
Well, slap my ass and call me Sally. A real movie star. \\clapping hands in congratulatory mode\\
ME, I'm guessing that's a song of theirs? See, I'm out of touch, too.
Yup...Pork and Beans is one of the songs on their new Red Album.
diva's from Chi-cah-go, so I can't imagine she's a big Trojan fan.
I'm not a big fan of Trojan's either. They really take away from the whole sexual experience...ya know, ya gotta wait until the guy grapples to get it out of the package and...oh wait, you're talking about sports teams. Nevermind.
Wowsers! Yes, Dcup
'This could get as ugly as the real thing!'
...and to insure that the Diva/Nunly campaign holds true to American Political Values....
I will annouce,as Director of Refreshments, a BLATANT attempt get votes with FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Details tomorrow...if I am not hung-over.
I refuse to believe Dr. Z is capable of any wrongdoing.
diva, how do you think I can afford my palatial digs?
Jeez, ME, this is a family blog. I'd hate to hear what you'd come up with if you were talking about Cool Whip. In fact, go right ahead.
okjimm, now that is some first-class strategery! You CAN have a beer with this candidate!
übermilf, so many refused to believe that same thing about Anakin Skywalker.
Oh, Very nice work, Randal. I like how you have the corn in there to give it texture. ;o)
Okjimm: aren't you gonna offer us wine sipping liberals any refreshments too? I like pinot noir just so you know ;)
Hey, it was either that or a lot of cheese, and that stuff just sits in your terrorist warning system, a.k.a. the gut. ;-)
I've got wine. Everyone else on the campaign seems to be a beer drinker. Not sure about a hellraiser just yet.
OK. I will procure a few bottles of Ripple, too. Maybe some Boone's Farm as well. Strawberry or Apple?
I'll be happy to supply the wine for the party. All I need is some barrels of water and I know this guy who can...well, you know the story. Or, I'll just head over to the church Sacristy, there are some cases of pre-transubstantiated (i.e. haven't been blessed in Mass yet) cases of wine sitting behind a curtain in there.
Is that pic from Dr. Z's early porn days? I agree with Randal, all amps must be turned to 11, or 12 depending on what you have. We need Cuervo Tequila stat! "Please drink responsibly!" BTW, I know the have to put tht message in there ads but is there actually a way to drink tequila responsibly?? I always lose my pants...
Trojans are useful for preventing STDs, and so I am all in favor of Trojans. Oh, wait, did you mean USC? I can't stand them. They're all Republicans and live in Palos Verdes in gated communities.
And years ago, after a couple of six-packs of Ripple, my date led me to the bottom of the Ithaca Gorge. We were so drunk we could not figure out how to get back out so we spent the night in the wooded gorge. Puking.
okjimm, hell, since we're going top shelf, don't forget some Mad Dog.
ME, I think you just want to go confess your sins to some young priest. Ah, fond memories from my RC days, chugging the leftover wine after mass before taking the empty cruets over to the rectory.
bradda, ugh, dr. zaius in porn? That's like me in porn, a crime against porn!
I'm surprised Bush doesn't have a variation of that slapped on all military vehicles: please fire responsibly.
diva, man, now I hate USC even more. And I hate Trojans, too.
I'm a big romantic sap, and that's the most romantic story I've heard....all day. No wonder I'm proud to work on your campaign.
//cases of pre-transubstantiated//
Damn...The NUN was right....The Ripple HAS turned to Mad Dog!
Will Smokey Robinson and the Miracles never cease? Gees!
okjimm- every time I see you, you look younger and younger. What's your secret? Is it the beer or the women?
Take me off the ticket--I'm a bad writer. I'll be sulking for years.
Will Smokey Robinson and the Miracles never cease? Gees!
Bee! Frieda? I'm expecting dcap to show up any moment and profess his undying love of ABBA.
ME, yeah, really. Whatever it is, can you bottle it and sell it? I'm buying!
utah, there are people FAR worse than us getting published. Wait. That was supposed to make us feel better.
I can't authorize anyone leaving the team, you'll have to check with Madame Future President.
I'm having a really blonde moment - maybe it's grief. When you said you were in Clerks, and the sequel, I thought you meant you were an actor, and had inhabited the character - because Randal Graves from the moovee isn't married. Blonde.
Utah cannot resign from the Supremes Court, or I will have to slap her upside the head. I'm really, really, deeply sad today, so I am officially the only one allowed to have a tantrum.
Oh no, I'm not a real actor, merely an everyday shlub. Randal is the character, Jeff Anderson is the actual actor. But I'm much better looking than Anderson. I'm blond, too, so I might not have explained it all that well.
And if I see utah, I'll tell her to stop with the fuckery.
Sometimes by the time I've finished reading all the comments I've forgotten what the post was about - or was there a post?
I'll have my damn fuckery, and you can't take that away from me! And no, it doesn't make me feel any better to know that any shithead can publish a book. But not you or me. WTF!
Right. I was all of a sudden thinking you were Jeff Anderson. Duh.
Utah can have her damn fuckery, but cannot resign from the Supreme Court. I am going to go sob now for as long as it takes. I wish you guys had had a chance to meet Joey, he was a handful.
susan, it was about the subject of all of my posts: how much ass BushCo sucks.
utah, we should write a technobabble military thriller filled with courtroom romance that takes place in a suburbia patterned on medieval esoterica. All that shit sells, so combining them would sell even more! It's genius!
diva, I could be anyone! Take as much as time as you need, we'll take care of the internets until you get back.
"Start salutin' Motherfuckers!" I like it. Excellent campaign slogan.
But still not as good as McCain's: "OK, OK, I'll tell you everything I know. Please don't hit me."
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