Banned in the USA

Hard to believe that it was only one month ago when the superheated air was saturated with moisture and the sun beat the senses down with the inexorable drone of a political speech. Walking to work now? There's a bittersweet crispness in the air, an earthy scent of melancholy borne upon memories that float amidst the cycle of life and death; the leaves have begun to change, some subtly, their margins tinged with yellow and the faintest brush of orange peeking out when struck by a stray ray of light breaking through the slate grey of increasingly overcast skies. Honestly, what could be better than autumn?

Huh? Sorry, I was trying to think of things that don't automatically induce the shivers followed up by a round of vomiting.

"Blah diddy blah." "Googly moogly."
"Diddly doodlely." "Yabba dabba doo."

Didn't watch it. Everyone says McCain was a condescending jerk. Gee, didn't see that coming. Everyone says Obama was too nice. Wow. I'm so shocked.

I did something far more important with my time. I read.

I'm sure if Mr. Campbell was here with us, he would say "get your read on, motherfuckers!" or something equally inspirational. In any case, today begins Banned Books Week, a time of celebrating the joys of reading while giving the middle finger to assholes who would dare dictate which pages you can and cannot lay your eyes upon, which words you can and cannot see.

So putting aside bullshit jingoism wrapped in American flags, cluster bombs, campaign sloganeering, lists of promises that everyone refuses to recognize won't be kept and bailouts of fuckers who can afford it (thanks once again Congress for the reaming of our collective ass, I hate you all so much), I would like, through some truly American ideals -- legitimate, tangible freedom and sticking it to The Man -- suggest some reading materials for some of our most esteemed countryfuckers.

For you, Chimpy McStagger,

"Randal, heh, heh, I can't read Communist. Where's ma expert on all those Unions of Soviet Russians? Oh, if only I had looked deeper into Pooty-Poot's soul. Condi, put those shoes down and gimme some help."




And I certainly can't forget about your replacement!

"For five and a half years I couldn't read books! Fuck you!"










What about the loser on November 4, Barack Hussein X?

"Watch me pull a Care Bear Market out of this hat. That is to say, the bailout is necessary if we are to audaciously change the economy with a hopeful belief in liquidity. I agree with Senator McCain..."








Oh, sorry, I fell asleep, dreaming of a Democrat hungry for blood.

I've also got something for your running mate, Hair Plugs For Men.

"Exactly, fix that market, dammit. How else will MBNA continue to fleece the American consumer?"










Don't worry, Mooselini, I could never forget about you.

"Who needs experience when I've got this book! Thanks, Randal!"








What can I say, I've gotten so used to such a vile bastard running the show and, well *sniff* I'm gonna miss the little nipper. You've already got the natural talent to continue his important work. Good luck with your autocratic theocracy! And if you find any witches, please, feel free to send them my way. I'll make sure they get their just desserts.



















"No thanks, we prefer a real man."

Yikes! As brutal as Cheney.













"At least they tell the truth."

Thank you, dearest, for your ever-loving words. Speaking of the Dark Lord himself, I had found a book I thought he'd enjoy, but in the process of giving it to him, he growled and roared, doing his best Cerberus impression before biting my hand off. Luckily, my sometimes-better-half is taking dictation and typing this up for me. And, strangely, laughing.

What the hell is so goddamn comical about this unfortunate turn of events?













"You're going to have to learn to use your left."

Ouch.