Saturday, September 27, 2008

Banned in the USA

Hard to believe that it was only one month ago when the superheated air was saturated with moisture and the sun beat the senses down with the inexorable drone of a political speech. Walking to work now? There's a bittersweet crispness in the air, an earthy scent of melancholy borne upon memories that float amidst the cycle of life and death; the leaves have begun to change, some subtly, their margins tinged with yellow and the faintest brush of orange peeking out when struck by a stray ray of light breaking through the slate grey of increasingly overcast skies. Honestly, what could be better than autumn?

Huh? Sorry, I was trying to think of things that don't automatically induce the shivers followed up by a round of vomiting.

"Blah diddy blah." "Googly moogly."
"Diddly doodlely." "Yabba dabba doo."

Didn't watch it. Everyone says McCain was a condescending jerk. Gee, didn't see that coming. Everyone says Obama was too nice. Wow. I'm so shocked.

I did something far more important with my time. I read.

I'm sure if Mr. Campbell was here with us, he would say "get your read on, motherfuckers!" or something equally inspirational. In any case, today begins Banned Books Week, a time of celebrating the joys of reading while giving the middle finger to assholes who would dare dictate which pages you can and cannot lay your eyes upon, which words you can and cannot see.

So putting aside bullshit jingoism wrapped in American flags, cluster bombs, campaign sloganeering, lists of promises that everyone refuses to recognize won't be kept and bailouts of fuckers who can afford it (thanks once again Congress for the reaming of our collective ass, I hate you all so much), I would like, through some truly American ideals -- legitimate, tangible freedom and sticking it to The Man -- suggest some reading materials for some of our most esteemed countryfuckers.

For you, Chimpy McStagger,

"Randal, heh, heh, I can't read Communist. Where's ma expert on all those Unions of Soviet Russians? Oh, if only I had looked deeper into Pooty-Poot's soul. Condi, put those shoes down and gimme some help."

And I certainly can't forget about your replacement!

"For five and a half years I couldn't read books! Fuck you!"

What about the loser on November 4, Barack Hussein X?

"Watch me pull a Care Bear Market out of this hat. That is to say, the bailout is necessary if we are to audaciously change the economy with a hopeful belief in liquidity. I agree with Senator McCain..."

Oh, sorry, I fell asleep, dreaming of a Democrat hungry for blood.

I've also got something for your running mate, Hair Plugs For Men.

"Exactly, fix that market, dammit. How else will MBNA continue to fleece the American consumer?"

Don't worry, Mooselini, I could never forget about you.

"Who needs experience when I've got this book! Thanks, Randal!"

What can I say, I've gotten so used to such a vile bastard running the show and, well *sniff* I'm gonna miss the little nipper. You've already got the natural talent to continue his important work. Good luck with your autocratic theocracy! And if you find any witches, please, feel free to send them my way. I'll make sure they get their just desserts.

"No thanks, we prefer a real man."

Yikes! As brutal as Cheney.

"At least they tell the truth."

Thank you, dearest, for your ever-loving words. Speaking of the Dark Lord himself, I had found a book I thought he'd enjoy, but in the process of giving it to him, he growled and roared, doing his best Cerberus impression before biting my hand off. Luckily, my sometimes-better-half is taking dictation and typing this up for me. And, strangely, laughing.

What the hell is so goddamn comical about this unfortunate turn of events?

"You're going to have to learn to use your left."



susan said...

You've been unanimously elected to the club. Congratulations for another fine performance.

I'm off to sharpen some drawing pencils.

DivaJood said...

Oh, Susan - the video proves that Ben Turpin was Will Shakespeare's illegitamate son. Whatever. I'm wondering about that Care Bear Economy. The debate upset my stomach.

Jess Wundrun said...

my care bear wears a golden shower on his tummy because I'm pissed.

DivaJood said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention: that first photograph? Absolutely stunning. It made my morning with its beauty.

Mauigirl said...

Beautiful ode to autumn, Randal! And thanks for reminding us about Banned Books Week, considering Palin likes the idea of banning books.

Your choices for the candidates are priceless!

Randal Graves said...

susan, I currently have no speakers, but I'll pretend it sounds groovy until I can grab it later.

Pencils? Are you going to be gracing us with some artwork? Say yes and make us happy.

diva, when watching politicians speak, one should always have a bottle of Pepto handy.

jess, that is a disturbing image, and entirely appropriate.

diva, I'm glad I stumbled across that. If I could make it autumn 365 days a year, I would.

mauigirl, I didn't feel like doing the 7 billionth debate wrap up post and since I dig books, it worked out well. Sadly, I don't think any of the Republicans would actually read their choices because, you know, books are for elitists. Unless they're by that delightful Sean Hannity or Michael Weiner!

American Hill BIlly said...

That was excellent. The starter brought good memories, and I think Biden's gesture finished it!

United In Peace And Freedom

Utah Savage said...

Randal you are such a cynic. I thought you were young and full of hope. I was fooled by the first picture. This is your version of rope-a-dope? And the Idiot is one of my favorite books. Cheney could somehow hurt it. He could send all the copies in print to gitmo.

Randal Graves said...

AHB, believe me, I would've loved to write about autumn some more, but world is simply full of too many jokers.

utah, I'm not that young and I've got about zero hope. I may be a romantic, but I'm a cynical one.

And don't give Vader any ideas.

Tom Harper said...

Banned books week, eh? Palin must be poring over the list and thinking "damn, how'd I miss that one?"

Bush reading Dostoevsky -- LOL. He'll be reading it so slowly his index finger will freeze up on him.

DCup said...

At least they haven't banned the Constitution yet.

Have they?

Randal Graves said...

tom, in my defense, I did pick them solely for the title, not exactly the contents. Otherwise, I'd have picked - no, Dr. Seuss is probably too complex as well. Pickening books is hard work!

dcup, a constitution? Isn't that something from the old days, like 8-tracks, steamboats and flintlock pistols?

Sal Kilmister said...

If McTurd wins and somehow is unable to serve, I imagine all of these books will be banned once again.

You scared me, I thought Luke Campbell had died from the way you mentioned him. I had to look him up on the Google. I then came across this gem: In December 2007 Campbell launched The Luke Entertainment Group and took the company public trading under the symbol LKEN on Pink Sheets. As of September 3, 2008, it's current price is $0.01 per share.

Thats about what WaMu is trading for these days...

Missy said...

Man, you started out with such a lovely ode and ended with Cheney biting your hand off? How does this happen?

And the debate? Meh. Watched it. Took a bicarb before turning in.

I really need McCain to disappear into obscurity.

Missy said...

Care Bears seem so sinister--ever since that scary store in the mall started selling them. They freak me out worse than Chuckie these days.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, your suggested reading materials are a hoot, and the tempting treats toward the end are . . . yesss!

Just before my arrival here, I watched a CNN set piece featuring a Bush-sycophant White House correspondent with a panel of two Republicans and Donna Brazile saying what a bang-up job Sen. Mild did in last night's debate. His mission, they intuit, was to not sound divisive so as to please independents who don't want to hear devious evildoers and raging incompetents being taken to task for all the expense, trouble and deaths they've caused.

My conclusion: CNN's pep squad has ulterior motives for handing Obama attaboys for having done every congenial thing short of running over to McCain's lectern with milk and cookies.

My personal preference was for McCain to have had an experience similar to that of a cucumber in a Salad Shooter commercial.

Call me vindictive, but that's how I feel.

La Belette Rouge said...

If Palin is elected she will get her way and ban Salinger. If for no other reason she cannot be elected. Please!!??!

Randal Graves said...

sal, we have to convince him to buy up WaMu. I mean, shares of LKEN are higher than that, no? Imagine depositing your money in a 2 Live Crew bank.

missy, the world is a crazy place where anything can happen and usually does.

I've been working on my clichés. Good? Bad?

All those old 80s toys are frightening, Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, Gobots.

SWA, hot damn, there's a whole lot of fuckery in there. Everyone seems to have gotten the impression that McFossil was a smarmy bastard, but they all think he was suave and mellow and he was in order to soothe undecideds and independents because Scary And Mean Things® are scary and mean.

No wonder we love the talking hairpieces. Are they clued in to what Murkans watch? Scary shows with mean people on them. They eat it up.

In the immortal and paraphrased words of Mr. Campbell, As Vindictive As They Wanna Be.

(No, I don't actually own any 2 Live Crew albums)

LBR, oh, we don't know exactly which books she wants to ban. I'm sure extremely harmful ones such as Assassinating World Leaders by C. I. Aye and Using Muslim Dress To Frighten by R. Ray.

okjimm said...

Ya, what Diva said...... best fucking paragraph I read all day.... it was so good I quit reading right there!

Bubba made me watch Clerks, just so I get a better grip on who Randal is..... whatta funny movie.

Dean Wormer said...

I agree with Susan- you are a clever bastard.

Dr. Zaius said...

"Honestly, what could be better than autumn?"


Liberality said...

Clerks at the library! Great post Randall. Banned books and banned constitution. Didn't we realize that the Republicans have banned brains in this country?

Spartacus said...

How I hate getting here so late. I agree. Autumn is better, but only when there's not a Presidential election going on. As for banning books... at least they'll keep you warm on those cold autumn nights.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, given that I had no previous acting experience, I think I did a pretty good job in that!

dean, thanks for not emphasizing the bastard part.

dr. zaius, you sir, are insane.

liberality, you don't know how many times I'm tempted to go "you're not allowed to rent here anymore!"

spartacus, they do have the tendency to cast a miserable pall over everything, don't they? The elections, not the acrid smoke from burning glue bindings.