Thursday, September 25, 2008

An important announcement

"I can't wait until my pretzeldency wears suspenders and I can retirement to Southern America."

Given the dire straits this blog is currently in, I've decided to suspend my important work of bringing smiles to the American taxpayer until we can craft bipartisan legislation to jumpstart this internets engine of happy fun joy and stop the prevailing winds of suck from blowing any longer.

"My friends, I'm in suspended animation, too."

After quietly sending out feelers to my constituents, I have received many thoughtful and heartfelt solutions to this grim news. My good friend State Representative John LaBruzzo of Metairie, Louisiana has, for example, suggested a program of forced sterilization, thereby suspending the further waste of taxpayer dollars better used by, oh, I don't know, the Pentagon.

Believe me, I would love to comply John, but you're a bit too late. If only you had brought this up three or so decades ago. I don't think you can put me back in.

"Hey, I'm simply continuing the fine tradition begun by effective legislators such as David Duke. What's the problem?"

"So, Carlos, wanna quit?"
"Might as well. I've got a lot of yardwork to do before winter."

This concerted drive for putting the needs of the many above the needs of the few is spreading nationwide, and nothing could make me happier, funner and joyfuller. Just to mention one of the many thousands of points of light, there is a fine squadron of sporting men braving the unfriendly climate of the effete lie-brul Northeast, the Nymets, who have collectively decided to suspend their push for the playoffs. It's beautiful to behold.

"Fuck yoos, it's as bootiful as your mutha!"

That was uncalled for. We're on the same team, dammit. Well, I'm off. I've got a long day ahead trying to find some specific examples of John McCain pushing for more regulation.

"If you find some, pleeeeeez let me know!"

Yeah, I'll give you a call sometime.


Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

good grief, I skip a day of internets and return to find campaigns suspended, bailouts unbailed, and more dubyadumblespeak than you can shake a stick at! sheesh already! at least I got to be the first commenter-go me! I love exclamation points today! they are so goldarned exclamatory!

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I thought about commenting, but decided to suspend it.

Missy said...

Dude, America needs you.

Now more than ever.

That look in McCain's eye says, danger. Or maybe closed head injury. Does it look like one pupil is larger than the other?

Christopher said...

New claims for unemployment benefits hit a 7 year high.

But this idiot government -- Repugs and Dumbos alike, are most concerned with bailing our Wall Street criminals.

Meanwhile, the Old Coot sees the internals and they point to a future with Barack Obama in the White House, so what does he do?

He cuts and runs.

What I'm hearing is, McCandy's mock debates are going poorly as the Caribou Barbie can't master such core debate concepts as First Affirmative Speaker, First Negative Speaker and Rebuttal.

I guess she needs her preacher to perform another exorcism and rid her of the Stupid Witch that occupies her body.

BTW, who is taking care of Trig whilst mama is stroking her massive ego with lunatic fantasies of becoming vice president?

okjimm said...

ya know, I am starting to think that WWF wrestling is more real and honest than this campaign.

It is enough to drive a dude to serious hockey viewing.

Dean Wormer said...

Forced sterilization? I'm open to the idea but we need to try it on Republicans to make sure it works.

Mary Ellen said...

You really need to get out of this funk, dammit, and I can't keep squeezing into that Wonder Woman costume. I'm beginning to put on a few pounds from sitting in front of this freakin' computer. I'm running out of stash and I can't find any happy pills or diet pills in the medicine cabinet.

Something has to give, kiddo. Get happy, dammit!

Randal Graves said...

JNRR, I told you to stop having a real life! For being first commenter you win nothing! Ha ha ha! And ha!

UC, fine. Your $700 billion check is in the mail.

missy, needs me for what? Cheap laughs? I'm going to go out on a very long limb and speculate that The Maverick® isn't in the best of health.

christopher, I really hope - which means it won't happen - that Obama and Biden have free reign to completely dismantle these two jokes of an excuse for elected officials during the debates

Even when it evident to nearly everyone save the clowns at the NRO that Kerry beat Bush, the CW was that it wasn't a thorough beatdown. Just fucking savage these clowns.

okjimm, the World Wildlife Fund has a wrestling league?

I'm telling you, watch some hockey. You'll feel better. If not, it wasn't my two hours wasted.

dean, now that I would support.

ME, why would I get out of this funk if you're going to continue squeezing into that Wonder Woman costume? Don't be silly.

If you knew me, you'd know just how difficult happy is. ;-) Pray to your godly powers for a Browns win on Sunday and I'll feel a little better. Or, the Wonder Woman thing.

Übermilf said...

I thought the fundamentals of our economy were strong.

I guess a lot can happen in a week.

Mary Ellen said...

Can we have Hillary back now...please?

Randal- I won't bother putting that Wonder Woman costume away, you know what the outcome of that game is going to be.

Forced sterilization...hell, that's nothing new. I forced my husband to get a vasectomy after my fourth kid. It was that or no sex for him...ever, even if it meant I had to pull a Bobbit on him.

susan said...

I'm really looking forward to Obama appearing at the debate alone or perhaps, for some added spice, that he debate Colbert.

Meanwhile I'm suspending my campaign to go to work every day - instead I'm joining the the National Sell Your Shit To The Government program. All the kids are doing it.

DivaJood said...

I have decided to suspend hockey. We cannot afford to have more hockey games. Really.

There, I've said it and I'm glad.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, you're damn right it can. For example, last week, my grass was high. And this week, it's been shortened thanks to the judicious use of the lawn mower.

ME, oh come on, we all know the American homeowner is going to get a few shiny trinkets as a lovely parting gift and that's it.

You'll be lassoing magically for awhile, I'm sure. Fucking Browns.

Um, perhaps I don't want the whole Wonder Woman thing any more. Flying Nuns with knives just ain't my thing.

susan, now that I'd watch. Does this mean I can sell my shit too? Really?

Randal Graves said...

diva, you're in danger of losing your campaign manager!

DCup said...

I'm going to have to tune all this noise out and just settle for staring at Delgado's ass. Thank you.

Randal Graves said...

Hey, anything to help you guys out. Wait. I made someone happy, that was never my intention!

Betty C. said...

Hell, I just blogged about the same point. But not nearly as subtly...

Tom Harper said...

That's the best deer-in-the-headlights Dumbya picture I've seen yet.

In answer to Christopher's question about Trig: there's been sort of a mishap. She was trying to show reporters that she could change Trig's pampers and shoot a moose at the same time, and she, uh, got a little bolloxed up. Poor Trig...

Spartacus said...

Okay man...the kid gloves are off. I can't let you fuck with The Mets like that. ... Just for that... I fart in the general direction of the Browns, Indians, and Cavaliers. I'd mention a hockey team, but oh yeah. Cleveland doesn't have one. But Cleveland can have the Islanders. They'll fit right in. They suck, too.

Heh heh... just fucking with ya!

Let's go have a beer with okjimm at Oblio's

Angie said...

I'd love to comment in depth, but I've got to get to Washington quick! I mean as soon as I look confused and avoid any direct answers in my interview with Katy Couric, eat my steak dinner, sleep peacefully through the night because hey, if I lose my house, I've got six more and moon everyone at the Clinton Global Initiative - THEN, I'm off to Washington to take care of this mess! Sorry Randal, you and Letterman will just have to wait.

Randal Graves said...

betty, I don't know if I'd call this subtle as much as poor usage of blunt humor.

tom, I couldn't believe my luck when I saw it.

spartacus, I don't have to fuck with the Mets, they're doing just fine on their own. ;-) And you're on. Okjimm's buying!

angie, wow, Senator, you're like a superhero! If it wasn't for you, America would probably blow up! Thank you for your service!

American Hill BIlly said...

Sad topic, but that was the funniest post I've read. The baseball player's talking about quitting was the funniest.

United In Peace And Freedom