Friday, September 12, 2008


No, not those guys.

"Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!"

Sorry, fond memories of watching the Akron Zips stumble through a 5-6 campaign at the Rubber Bowl during my two semesters of Summit County matriculating so many years ago before my life was shot to hell blessed with a wonderful family. But alas, the wistful stroll through memory lane must be put aside, as we have far more pressing issues to deal with, such as what to post about today, as I believe I've been infected with a severe case of the zips!

I had considered making a smarmy comment about my fellow Ohioans over this revolting development, but thought better of it. C'mon, do you really want to give up the mantle of America's Dumbest Voters? After we worked so hard on not one but two separate occasions? Please, lie-bruls, spare me your histrionics about Ken Doll and his nefarious deeds. It was close enough to steal because it was close enough to steal.


Speaking of morons, how about you, Senator Obama? As if you weren't flabbergasted by those new-fangled magnetic audio cassettes way back during your angry black radical youth. I would wager that you're still too busy jamming to your Super Funk 8-track to understand how to send a computer letter either, Mr. Barack Hussein X, so how about laying off the ageist attacks. Someday, someone might air an ad about your inability to grasp the finer points of nanotechnological bioimplants, points easily picked up by any inebriated teenage punk you glower at on the way to get the 5am Matlock special at the local Denny's, $1.99 for eggs and your choice of meat plus free coffee refills with your AARP card.

"Putin, I've got a bigger boat."

Speaking of attacking, now this is what gives me a happy. Preach it, Moosolini!

His mission, if it is to control energy supplies, also, coming from and through Russia, that's a dangerous position for our world to be in, if we were to allow that to happen.
Controlling the world's energy supplies is our mission, Pooty-Poot. What do you think all that soul lookin' was for? Because Chimpy is a drunken idiot child? The Cold War ain't over, motherfucker.

"Vet me loook into yoor soul."

Go right ahead, soul brother, let me drop some funky fresh rhymes.

There once was a man from Moscow.
Black ops, KGB? Boy, and how.
But this tough guy shit a vodka brick,
met his match in a moose huntin' chick --
McFossil? Tired from tellin' he was a POW.


Unconventional Conventionist said...

"The Great Sara P. Mooselini,
Ashamed that her weeny was teeny,
Threatened Nukular War
With Putin, that bore,
Who shrugged it off with some Vodka and Blini."

La Belette Rouge said...

Love your rappin' Russian rhyme.
and, speaking of love, I gave you a blogging awkward.

Dean Wormer said...

I don't know what y'all are saying but your lips are purty.

("Moosolini" - snicker)

Randal Graves said...

UC, ha! We need an open mic night!

LBR, pretty good for a pasty-faced cracker, no? An awkward? Those I can do. It's the awards where I get all nervous.

dean, hey, bought some Revlon stock, it's through the roof! I can't take credit for Moosolini, stole it from Tengrain who probably stole it from someone else, the filthy hippie.

La Belette Rouge said...

I need an award for the blogger who leaves the most typos in the comment category. Le sigh!

FranIAm said...

If there is anything that Palin hates as much as she hates Islamic terrorists (and that includes that Obama character and his Catholic sidekick who is Islamic by osmosis now) she hates Russian rappers.

Can you see her sitting across the table from Vlad. His evil gaze alone will stun her.

DivaJood said...

"Oh, Vlad, you think you can undress me with your eyes, but I'm just a hockey mom. And I cannot be undressedy with your eyes. No no, I believe in the sanctity of life." Sarah smiles and batts her eyelashes at Putin. "Oh, Toddy? Where's my shotgun? Is the airplane ready to go? I want to shoot me some wolves so I can have a hat this winter."

Spartacus said...

Randal & UC, you guys forgot to add the required

"Uh-uh, uh,uh, uh-uh

JayZ wrote that. He told me he's comin' to cap your asses because you didn't add it to your raps...

Das the shit...word!

American Hill BIlly said...

Moosolini.... I hadn't heard that one, but it's awesome. She is perfect for the idiot Evangelical Braindead masses. She is flat out evil..

I need an aarp card, and some grey hair highlights; I want cheap Denny's, dammit.

United In Peace And Freedom

Randal Graves said...

LBR, don't worry, we don't penalamize for trypos.

fran, don't get me started on Islamic Catholics. They're the worst.

I think Vlad can kill with his gaze. Some leftover Cold War death ray experiment.

diva, I'm sensing a movie script here. If only we knew someone who loves Hollywood. Oh, RNC?

spartacus, but is that a permissible substitute for a chorus of "hell yeah?"

AHB, man, when I'm old and I've got my AARP and Golden Buckeye card, I'm gonna milk that for all it's worth. I think that's why people get curmudgeonly, years of having to kiss ass at work.

Border Explorer said...

//His mission, if it is to control energy supplies, also, coming from and through Russia, that's a dangerous position for our world to be in, if we were to allow that to happen.//

Randal, let's double dare M.E. to diagram that sentence on the chalkboard.

Übermilf said...

There are too many separate subjects contained in this one post.

If you want the simpleminded to comment, you'll have to confine your posts to one or two subjects.

Thank you.

(P.S., by simpleminded, I clearly mean me)

The Cunning Runt said...

Did somebody [ubermilf] call me?

Irregardless, (yes, I said that, in an effort to weasel my way into the Kool Republican Kids' Clique) our PILF-In-Waiting raised an important point with her moose-in-the-headlights looks the other night.

Well, at least it's important to me...

Tom Harper said...

Putin isn't looking into anybody's soul in that picture. He's ogling at Sarahpoleon and thinking "I vunder vat she look like naked."

Liberality said...

"It was close enough to steal because it was close enough to steal."

yep, and looks like history is gonna repeat itself if something don't happen here quick.

btw, that picture of Obama--hot! I'm stealing it from ya.

Beach Bum said...

Time to dust off my fallout shelter plans and start digging in the backyard.

susan said...

Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. These people are so over the top crazy I can't believe the daily news feeds. That and the fact we have to count on the innate intelligence of the American voting public to come out in great enough numbers to enact an overwhelming Democratic win.. well, you know.

Utah Savage said...

Jesus Randal, I looked and thought, it's a sports post, mosey on. No need to read further, but no. You bastard, you slipped in and posted on Vlad the impaler, and Sarah the mooseburger, deer in the headlights, grinding her teeth as if that will scare Charlie. You're a tease Randal.

And I'm pretty sure I win the prize for most typos in a comment.

Angie said...

I've bestowed a blogger award upon you because Putin told me to. I mean Palin told me to. Okay fine, I just really enjoy your blog my friend.

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

is it just me, or is Barack Obama fantasticaly Foyn, man? I mean, look at him. drutha a brutha anyday. slurp.

Also, anyone notice how much Palin's speaking resembles Miss South Carolina's except for the blondeness of course. Oh and she knows where Russia is, because shit you can even see it from some parts of Alaska!

Randal Graves said...

BE, okay, but don't tattle on me when I throw spitballs at her habit.

übermilf, ah, but that's the beauty. By throwing lots of crap in there, I make myself appear to be S-M-R-T. If I stuck to one thing, well, bad news.

TCR, it's funny, I think I had one of those deer-in-headlights looks myself upon watching that thing.

tom, ha! Speaking of Pooty-Poot, bad news, he's going to ninjafy the French. Everyone is kung fu fighting. America IS indeed alone in the world.

liberality, that's what worries me, not polls or lipstick or ads. If it's, in reality, within a point or two, say hello to President McFossil.

Go on and steal, just be sure to credit The Google.

BB, my advice when you start stocking your shelter? Don't fill it with cans of pork n' beans.

susan, you've just explained why I will always remain a cynic. I laughed when Obama said "John McCain thinks you're stupid."

Guess what? For once, McCain wasn't lying!

utah, that's how I keep 'em coming back, 'cause it sure as hell ain't the substance.

As for typos, should the non-capitalization of impaler and mooseburger be held against you?

angie, an award? I was really hoping it would be an awkward. (Sorry, LBR ;-)

JNRR, I hope this fills my beefcake quota and all you ladies will stop complaining that all I do is post pictures of scantily-clad ladies.

Once on a crystal clear day, I was on South Bass Island and I swear I could see the southermost tip of Pelee island, which is in Canada. Please, ask me a question about the Great White North.

puddy said...

once there was a woman from idaho

whose foreign policy experience was "uhm, i don't know"

then along came mccain

his vice pres nominee she became

and that's how sarah became uncle sam's yoko ono

man, that sucks. i'll try harder next time.