Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Ever since I read the book so many years ago, I've always wondered what it would be like to have the ability to set things ablaze through nothing more complex than mere thought. You can keep your stinkin' fancy ass flamethrowing technology, U.S. Army. Now, I haven't been injected with the results of some clandestine government experiment -- that I know of -- but let's give it the ole' college try:

"Charlie don't play controversies!"

Browns coach Romeo Crennel made it clear Monday that he's considering benching Derek Anderson and starting Brady Quinn Sunday in Cincinnati.

"I think we'll definitely try to get the other guy [Quinn] ready to go and we'll see how it progresses from there," Crennel said Monday in his breakdown of Sunday's 28-10 loss to the Ravens that dropped the Browns to 0-3. "We'll probably give him a few more reps in practice right now."

Dammit! No smoke rising in the direction of stadium; nothing in fact but clear skies. Well, as clear as a major metropolitan area in the United States can be in 2008. Let's give it another shot.

"Charlie enjoys the taste of feet!"
When interviewed by CBS anchor Katie Couric yesterday, Biden condemned a recent Obama ad that poked fun at John McCain's "inability" to use a computer.

"I thought that was terrible by the way," he said. "If I'd have had anything to do with it, we never would have done it.

Stupid, metatarsal-munching Democrats! C'mon hairplugs, burn! Concentrate! Ow, my head! This is for my meltdown on Saturday, isn't it. Well played, brain.

"I'm not saying a word."

Third time's the charm!

"Charlie don't misunderestimate!"
Earlier Monday, President Bush warned Democrats not to load down the proposed rescue plan for the U.S. financial system with extra provisions, but Democratic leaders are insisting on some aid for homeowners and curbs on executive pay.

"There will be differences over some details, and we will have to work through them," Bush said as congressional staff and administration officials restarted meetings on the bill. "That is an understandable part of the policy-making process.

"But it would not be understandable if members of Congress sought to use this emergency legislation to pass unrelated provisions, or to insist on provisions that would undermine the effectiveness of the plan."

Nothing but another fucking migraine! Curse you Stephen King and your false advertising! I want my pyrokinesis! Now!

Oh no, the nefarious proprietors of unchecked consumerism have won! I've been infected with instant gratificationitis!


Shut up, brain, or I'll start killing you with beer.

"You don't even like beer."

I know.

"I'll be good."


Mary Ellen said...

I wonder if Bush was sober when they studied the Great Depression at Yale. I think he might have gotten it a bit mixed up and thought it was a good thing...after all, it was "Great", right?

To be honest, I don't trust ANYTHING Congress will do regarding this bailout. They've caved consistently to Bush and they will again. We're screwed.

Dusty said...

Randal, the Ravens are the old Browns...so that loss must of really busted yo chops eh?

Candace said...

Well Randal, thanks for trying.
I hear you can kill brain cells quicker with Gin. Oh wait. Maybe it's the liver. Whatever.

Border Explorer said...

Nice try. Sorry your powers lie in other areas. I'd loan you my Advil but I'm out. Check with Okjimm.

Dean Wormer said...

Forget "Firestarter." You want to be the guy from "Scanners."

Liberality said...

Shut up, brain, or I'll start killing you with beer.

"You don't even like beer."

I know.

"I'll be good."

mind control, eh?

Randal Graves said...

ME, reminds of me that bit in Back to School.

"Mr. Melon, can you tell us about The Great Gatsby?"

"Yeah, he was, uh, great!"

Exactly. They've had a good thing going for eight years, why change now?

dusty, not as bad as what happened in January 2001. ;-)

candace, I don't like liver anyway, so non-beer it is!

BE, I have powers? I wish I could become invisible. Oh, the havoc I could wreak upon my enemies!

dean, although I'm a big fan of exploding skulls, there's something visceral about fire.

Although when it comes to these jokers, either power is fine!

liberality, only way I know in controlling that little bastard.

DivaJood said...

Sigh. Don't bog down the federal bailout with details. If'n we had curbs on executive pay, they wouldn't be executives, they'd be workin folks like them homeowners who'r gonna lose they homes.

Dusty said...

Yeah, that one was pretty bad dude. ;p

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I can get smoke to come out of my ears, but no luck with any of this fire jazz.

So far.

puddy said...

a tie? a friggin' tie? this is bad fantasy football karma for both of us.

a tie.... reaaaally?

Jess Wundrun said...

If you don't want to kill your own brain with beer you could try mine. Go 'head, I don't mind.

Übermilf said...

You know what I like best about reading this blog today?

Now I can say, "Crazy, party of TWO" if we were grabbing a bite to eat. Or would it be "Party of THREE," counting the voices in your head?

Anajo/Anijo/JoAnn said...

Biden: I was against the ad before I was for it!

Yeah, and Biden was against the AIG bailout before he was for it.

on fire..

Tom Harper said...

Firestarter? How about that Twilight Zone episode with the demented kid who could make people disappear by sending them out to "the cornfield." Anybody who made him mad for the slightest reason -- Zap! And away they went.

Let's turn that kid's attention toward the White House and most of Congress.

American Hill BIlly said...

I don't see anything wrong with mentioning the fact McCain doesn't know how to use a computer, and I the fact Chimp's are more intelligent than Bush is worth mentioning as well!!

United In Peace And Freedom

susan said...

"instant gratificationitis"

There's a cure for that now - it's called deep poverty.

The Cunning Runt said...

I once lit my mustache on fire with a flaming shot. Does that count?

Oh, and I have a great compromise for congress to consider: Eat the goddam rich and fix the fucking mortgage foreclosures.

That is all.

Katie Schwartz said...

Can I live inside your head for like an hour? Would you mind?

Randal Graves said...

diva, shit, you're right, for without executives, who would create the jobs for us working stiffs?

dusty, which dude? There are a lot of bad dudes, many of them work at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. ;-)

UC, have you tried adding lighter fluid?

puddy, hey, don't feel so bad. In another yahoo league I'm in, one team started out 0-0-2. Not kidding.

jess, try your beer or try your mind? Your brain is too smart for this rube, I'd only become a vegetable.

übermilf, a stabbing we will go, a stabbing we will go, hi ho the merry-o, a stabbing we will go!

anajo, I think the plugs are in too deep.

tom, now that would be a cool power to have and that's exactly where I'd start.

AHB, perhaps Joe meant that the timing of the ad was bad. I'm sure McFossil knows how to send a computer letter by now after reading that E-mail For Dummies book.

susan, one step at a time, but we're heading there!

TCR, normally I would say yes, but since you're not a bastard running for office, I would call that more tragic than anything else.

I like your idea. Keep it simple. You guys fucked up? You're punished. Not fair? Welcome to the middle and lower classes, chumps.

katie, I wouldn't mind, but my mind might. He acts up, just kick his ass.

Anonymous said...

Go grab the beer Randal.. it's going to be a long Autumn.