Wednesday, September 3, 2008

You have my deepest regrets

"You missed my speech, Randal. Look at my Reaganesque hairdo. Once I let it grow out a bit more, I can do that very gay manly flip. Down with homersexuals, up with polygamy!"

It's so bloody slow at work and all this time, instead of surfing for porn, I could've been live blogging the Bush Family Valium and Whiskey Circus streaming on the tubes. Oh well, I've still got some minutes remaining.

9h25: lots of Country First signs. Except for Alaska, I guess. Wait, is that sexist? Some dude that looks like the long-lost cousin of Larry the Cable Guy is sporting a "More Cowbell" shirt.

9h32: stupid humans. Can't you see that I'm trying to not work? Huckster is living up to his name no doubt. Since there are no speakers on these terminals, and I can't read lips all that well, I don't know what he's saying, but I wager it has something to do with Jesus.

9h36: I find it comical that Huckster is speaking in front of a red background. Isn't red the color of Satan and Stalin? Hey, rearrange them, switch a letter, and they're the same.

Exactly like Osama bin Laden and Obama Biden. OMFG.

What's with the cornpone hats? Disaster change? Diver down? Huh?

Man, are all these people white.

9h38: the worst part about this is that you have to change the drinking game cues from verbal to visual and that's much more difficult. Plus I'm at work and probably shouldn't be drinking here.

9h40: even when Huckster is no doubt spewing forth some folksy hatred, he looks vaguely happy with that stupid smirk. This guy is boring. Where is Zell Miller? When are they going to let Cheney eat a live human?

Fucking cowboy hats.

He has a purple tie on. Good to see he's showing solidarity with the LGBT community.


9h42: God Boy wasn't on long. Who's this? Former boss of HP, Carly Fiorina. Wasn't that the planet in the Alien flicks?

9h44: The crowd isn't buzzing like they were for the Huckster. The Overlords may love the loot, but these knuckleheads must want the red meat. See? They just showed a bunch of fools getting up to take a whiz and get more beer. It's like the 7th inning.

9h47: hey, where did all the Real Energy Independence signs go? Come on, dammit, I want wedge issues. Man, is that dude white. Who the hell gets a Johnny Unitas cut anymore? That Women 4 McCain sign had a bunch of sparkly stars on it. Oops, is that sexist? No, just fucking stupid. What are you, in 5th grade, lady?

Holy fuck, the first black person sighting of the evening!

9h49: Colossal Nuremburg screen showing a pristine river. Is that kryptonite for Cheney or simply make him drool profusely? Just look at all that clean water, not a shred of mercury and industrial runoff. Where's my change, dammit! Give a hoot, pollute.

9h51: for the record, yes, it is still officially the Democrat party.

9h52: Lots of red Prosperity signs. They must be with the delegation from Lockheed-Martin.

9h53: now the Super Rally screen showed a snow-capped mountain. Chuckle. More fucking cowboy hats. Dude, it's Minnesota. Grab a longsword and go a-viking.

9h54: Cundy is wearing this FSM-awful lime number. She looks like a magically-animated Crayola. I'm guessing that was her. Or one of her robot decoys.

9h56: now they're waving Terrible Towels. Myron Cope must be rolling over in his grave. I don't care that there's no sound, this woman is monumentally boring. Aren't you goopers big Jesusheads? I want fire and brimstone, dammit. Where's my 9/11? C'mon Rudy! save the day.

10h00: hey, was that King of the Iditarod? Awww, there's the little nipper.

10h01: would someone eat a fucking mooseburger already? We've Struck Oil With Sarah. Yeah, she is pretty slippery.

10h02: I don't care what anyone says, the stereotype is true: white people cannot dance.

OH YEAH, THERE'S RUDY! 9/11! Now the background is extra dark and ominous. I wonder if it's because he's going to talk about 9/11.

10h04: he's sticking the finger out and pointing like crazy. Yep, 9/11. What's with the fucking gavel? Is he going to beat some Guantanamo prisoner's skull in?

10h07: Rudy! is getting angry. Come on, pop a blood vessel. Rudy! is pretty animated for a dude that was killed on 9/11 and resurrected through the power of 9/11.

10h09: hey, my former senator Mike DeWine. How's unemployment, motherfucker?

10h10: lots of clapping. Must've said 9/11.

10h11: must've said it again. Or told the ferret story.

10h13: a veritable plethora of pointing. 9/11! 9/11! 9/11!

No, that's not fair, I'm sure there was a mention of elitism. I wonder if they got around to mentioning that he's black.

10h15: you know, liveblogging silence isn't all that fun. I wouldn't try it at home kids, unless you were good and baked and/or drunk. Time to go home. Good night, kids. Ah, more pointing. Love ya, Rudy! you 9/11-ing 9/11-er.


Christopher said...

Willard de'Mormon looks like Lurch from the Adams Family.

He's so freaky and so creepy that I always wonder if engages in child-ritual sacrifice and feasts on afterbirths.

I can't look at him for prolonged periods. That means longer than 20 seconds.

FranIAm said...

I am laughing too hard to comment plus I need another drink.

American Hill BIlly said...


I hope your not referring to the RNC.. I am watching right now as well. The pride in having the copyright on American, well it makes me feel good!

Ya know, another thing where in the hell do those people outside get the idea that it's alright to be party poopers???? Go Lords in black...YEA kick their butts. YEA.


Must turn off tv, Must, brain being disrupted, Republican good....Ah need to reach clicker turn off control....before....Ah..must vote republican....need to kill bears for oil...oil is good....kill iraqi's for their own good....

United In Peace And Freedom

susan said...

I think doing it in silent mode wasn't enough; I recommend a blindfold as well.

Spartacus said...

You know Randal, I need to have a long talk with your wife about letting you hold the TV remote. All this convention watching is making you fucking loopy. I turned the convention off when that creepy looking former eBay CEO came on. Can there be a less dynamic speaker than that one? Her speech was the equivalent of 50mg of Ambien.

American Hill BIlly said...

Looks like there all pooping babies these days. McSames ole' lady is holding a little brat. I bet she can't wait for this show to be over. Sell that little kid off to white slavery! Yea Baby!!! Oh it's getting good. I am hearing about Rambo McSame in Vietnam

pissed off patricia said...

I slept through the whole damned thing and am all the better for doing so. However today I have seen clips of Ms Snide Sarcastic Asshole, and I'm not impressed. I don't think the ability to be snide, sarcastic and an ass hole are qualifications for being the vice president of the United States.

No fu*king cake for her!

Missy said...

I'm not EVEN going to read you your rights.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, I don't know about you, but I don't wonder about that; I'm sure that he does. It's how he stays so young!

fran, I really should have brought a flask to work.

AHB, one thing that struck me after the fact was how few American flags there were in the audience compared to the DNC. Isn't not waving one at these things a felony?

susan, but then I wouldn't have had a post.


spartacus, oh hell, that's why I did this at work. I'm not sure my wife would've let this be on the tube for fear of sanity loss.

She spoke too? And was worse than the chick I watched? Yikes.

AHB, just imagine the shitstorm if this exact same scenario had played out with Obama. Hannity's head would explode.

POP, oh sure they're qualifications. Worked for Bush for eight years.

"I was pretzeldint, heh heh."

Can we give them some Little Rascals cake full of mousetraps?

missy, that's okay, I can't hear you anyway.

Mary Ellen said...

Good thing I came here to get the lowdown, I didn't watch the convention, I was afraid there would be a close up of Lieberman and I'd get scared. I did, however,take a peek on the computer after I wrote today's post and it seems that Sarah Palin must have had a hell of a speech...a lot of pissed off Obama supporters.

Thanks for the RNC Convention updates. Did you see any cool hats we can get for the Diva/Nunly Convention? That's my favorite part about these things, the hats.

Randal Graves said...

Oh I'm sure her speech was chock full of that tasty red meat bullshit and that'd piss anyone off. Except the red meaters.

Hats? Hell no, tons of ten-gallons and those stupid ones that Jim Backus wore on Gilligan's Island. Lots of buzzcuts, too.

Übermilf said...

Why do you torture yourself?

Mary Ellen said...

Well, Randal, anytime you get bored today, just go over to my blog and drool over the Wonder Woman pictures. Just make sure you wipe off your keyboard so you don't short the damn thing out.

Dean Wormer said...

That is some seriously funny shit.

Border Explorer said...

Randal, if you were a speechwriter for the RNC, I think they'd be a whole lot better off.

At the very least they'd be entertaining. For once.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, aren't we who drift left supposed to hate ourselves and the world?

ME, don't worry, I bought a bib!

dean, thanks, though I think next time I need sound!

BE, "Of course we're liars and hypocrites and use wedge issues to gain votes because no one but the most loon would support our platform."

I don't think they'd hire me.

Tom Harper said...

How could you stand watching all that shit? I only watched a few clips on the news last night, and that was enough for me.

I guess I never paid much attention to Giuliani's appearance before. Has he always had that old-lady demeanor? Hunched-up posture, always clutching his hands and making those rapid finger-pointing gestures. America's Mayor? He looks more like an elderly schoolmarm scolding her 4th grade class.

Randal Graves said...

tom, I didn't sleep all that well, lemme tell ya. You're 100% right about Rudy! and I think that's why he was so good at playing dressup.

Sal Kilmister said...

I once watched an entire hour of Fox News...but nobody should be subjected to this.

dguzman said...

BRILLIANT! I think I burst my kidney from laughing right about here: "10h07: Rudy! is getting angry. Come on, pop a blood vessel. Rudy! is pretty animated for a dude that was killed on 9/11 and resurrected through the power of 9/11."

Again--brilliant, sir. You need your own radio show, man.

Randal Graves said...

I get nervous doing an oral presentation in front of a handful of people. The radio? You're on drugs, aintcha.

Snave said...

Lots of drugged-up talkers on the radio these days, all right. And speaking of such talkers, the image of Sean Hannity's head exploding is a very pleasant one.

I didn't watch much of any of the Democratic convention because it would be like the speakers were preaching to the choir. I didn't watch the GOP convention because it might have made MY head explode.

As for Palin's speech, the media was going to call it "great" and slobber all over it whether it was great or not, because having a fundamentalist Christian on the GOP ticket is energizing things somewhat. Conflict! Sensationalism! Will the people buy it? Then we will report it!

Who cares about some of the things Palin did or didn't do as governor or whether she could handle the call at 3 a.m.? All I care about is the interesting names she and her husband gave their kids, her prowess in piloting a snowmobile, the fact that she eats moose meat, and above all that she is a hockey mom.

If it looks like a Republican and talks like a Republican, then they will all vote like Republicans. I don't think Palin's speech will sway that many voters to vote GOP instead of Democrat.

As for Rude-y Juveniliani, he sounded quite a lot like a junior high kid taunting someone. I was able to take about five minutes of it, and than I had to turn it off. I didn't bother to watch Palin because I felt like I knew pretty much exactly what she would say... and from the sound bites I heard today and from what I read, I was right.

Utah Savage said...

It was the march of the fascists from beginning to end. Ya missed nothing. And Mormons aren't real big on Jesus just so you know. Mormon's are big on big love and money. Make that Big Paternal love and MONEY!!!! WAR!!! MONEY!!! DRILL BABY DRILL!!!! More Bullshit. Pimp those cute kids. Shotgun wedding boy's starting to look like he thinks this might be fun after all. Pimp those kids, lady.

Randal Graves said...

snave, so what you're saying is that everything went exactly as scripted? Dammit, I really was hoping for a human sacrifice to shake up the status quo.

utah, EVERYONE loves Jesus, dammit. I loved seeing all the Peace signs during McFossil's speechifying last night. There isn't a thing goopers won't pimp. Just ask Cundy.

Iheartfashion said...

Love it!